Long post!

Here I go, about to pour my heart out to a blank screen because I just need someone to listen. I'm not looking for advice, or condolences, or well meaning words. I just want someone to hear my pain/my heart. And that's what this screen will do, listen. 

One of my favorite things about being pregnant is never being alone. Always having someone right there with me. 

The loneliness is overwhelming when that is taken from you. The emptiness, rather. 

Husband and I said goodbye to baby #2 last week.

Such a strange mix of emotions. Before I lost the baby I was sad and burdened for Ember at times. I wanted Ember to know I wasn't forgetting about her even though I was excited for a new hope. But I was excited and I was confident in this pregnancy, it was going great no signs of losing this one. 

But it happened.

Losing a baby so early on was completely different, I think my emotions are just now catching up with me. 

We knew better this time then to use phrases like "when the baby comes" instead we used "if this baby lives". But there was still a peace I had, this was my unexpected rainbow baby, I thought. 

I used to think it unfair that women get to be the pregnant ones, carry the baby, and then feed the baby. But after losing two babies I think it unfair that the woman has every physical task in having babies and even more unfair that some women have to be reminded daily, physically that there was a baby growing inside of them and then quite painfully and unexpectedly there isn't any more and you're left with a healing body, empty arms, and a broken heart. Each cramp of your body restoring itself to "prebaby" a painful reminder.

I'm sad this time too but it's different. It's even more dream like than Ember because this one was so early. With this baby we have no gender, no name, no kicks, no stories. Nothing tangible. 

But... In all of this, I'm ready to start "paying it forward". I had a great support team and so many blessings and tangible gifts to remember her by while in the hospital with Ember. I'm hoping  to put together care packages for hospitals... If you have any unique ideas of things you or someone you know received after losing a baby that was a great comfort to them message me and I'll consider putting it my care package. I'm excited to start! 

I heard this song today and re-fell in love with it... Something Beautiful 

        In your ocean, I'm ankle deep

     I feel the waves crashin' on my feet

       It's like I know where I need to be

     But I can't figure out, yeah I can't     

                       figure out

  Just how much air I will need to breathe

       When your tide rushes over me

       There's only one way to figure out

               Will ya let me drown, 

                will ya let me drown

            Hey now, this is my desire

             Consume me like a fire,

                 'cause I just want 

     something beautiful To touch me,                

               I know that I'm in reach

        'Cause I am down on my knees,

       I'm waiting for something beautiful

            Oh, something beautiful

                -NEEDTOBREATH-