10,000 reasons

We sang 10,000 reasons today in church. 

I've written about this song before (and this probably won't be the last time I write about it). 

"The sun comes up it's a new day dawning, it's time to sing your song again, whatEVER may pass, and whatEVER lies before me... Let me be singing when the evening comes.

Bless the Lord O' my soul..."

Do you realize, while you're singing those words, the future of THAT day could hold something drastic in it? Your baby could die or your spouse. Some other loved one. You could be in a severe accident that leaves you paralyzed for life. You could find out someone close to you has cancer... 

Will you be able to sing "bless the Lord" after something like that happens? 

That song ALWAYS makes me think and I hope it makes you think too. Don't just follow along with the words... 

It's hard for me to sing those words because I don't know what could happen at the end of any day. Trusting is hard. Even when you know God has a plan for it all. After your world has turned upside down you realize how anything can happen to anyone at anytime. 

I've been there before and I have faith that if/when I'm ever there again these words will be brought to the front of my mind...

"Bless the Lord O' my soul,

 O' my soul, 

worship His holy name,

Sing like never before,

O' my soul,

I'll worship your holy name."

Courage

 I've been avoiding this post for a long time now but I don't think I can avoid it much longer.

Scanning Pinterest, trying to unwind from my week, I saw this. 

And I thought to myself "this needs to be my motto". Then I decided to look up courage for the EXACT definition...

cour·age

ˈkərij/

noun

noun: courage

1. the ability to do something that frightens one.

   "she called on all her courage to face the ordeal"

   • strength in the face of pain or grief.

     "he fought his illness with great courage"

     synonyms:

     bravery, courageousness, pluck, pluckiness, valor, fearlessness, intrepidity, nerve, daring, audacity, boldness, grit, true grit, hardihood, heroism, gallantry;  informalguts, spunk, moxie, cojones, balls "the courage of firefighters is just awesome"

     antonyms:

     cowardice

     
     

     "Strength in the face of pain or grief."

     "The ability to do something that frightens one."

     
     

     Yup, this will be my motto 

     for the next 5 months (and probably long after).

     See, I didn't intend on sharing this news on social media because of the heart break that this type of news has caused me over and over and over again. I don't know how many people (including people dearest to my heart) I have "unfollowed" on social media because I can't handle this news. 

     And the LAST thing I want to do is cause that pain to someone else...even though I know from experience it's not ME causing the pain. So with tears in my eyes and a humble spirit I ask you to forgive me if my news hurts you like I've been hurt before. That's not my intent.

      My intent is to let you all in on the continuation of my path that started with Ember. I suppose I can't involve you all for two years of grief and not include you on the rest of my journey.  

     Nothing is for sure, I don't EVER count my chickens (or eggs?) before they hatch anymore because I KNOW that "plans" can change in an instant. But what I also know is I have a miracle happening inside me... And whether that miracle lives on earth or gets to bypass this sinful/broken/hurtful earth and go straight to heaven I need to enjoy every moment I have. And rejoice in the fact that I get to have a life in me again after 2 years of infertility.

     This is a scary, nerve wracking path I'm on. I still deal with grief often and I anticipate that for the rest of my life. This is not my first baby.

     I've been here before... And I know what can happen. People tell me all the time this time it will be different but... My due date is only weeks apart and many don't know what can happen like I do. God doesn't promise healthy living babies.

      

     So now you know. I'm 16 weeks along and soon we will know if this baby has what Ember had. 

     I'd appreciate it if you would not give me fluffy words and if you not ask many questions. I'll share what I want to share as I have the strength to. 

     ❤️

     P.S if this news hurts you try to remember, I know that pain and I completely understand if you "unfollow" me. Take care of you. ❤️

Bitter

The other day my brother and I went to see our friends do a show.

On the drive home he played a song called "Bitter" and all the words were hitting a nerve deep within me but this line has stuck with me since... 

"Sometimes things just happen in life that don't make any sense, but, bitterness is a choice" 

See, I've been dealing with bitterness for a large portion of my sailing in the ocean of grief. I don't really know when I started  letting bitterness  steer me but it's been a struggle to not let it just take over completely. 

Bitterness is a choice...

It's so much easier for me to be bitter than it is for me to find the positive and growth. 

It's a struggle trying to take back over the battle between bitterness and joy... I know it's a long road but this song gives me a bit of gumption to try... 

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/andymineo/bitter.html

I'm not who I was

One day, it's inevitable, you will wake up and realize "I'm not who I was". Or at least I assume it's inevitable in that we are ever changing human beings. Some times you sit back and remember/realize...

This is who I was. 

This is who I was striving to be. 

This is who I am. 

If I continue down this path this is who I will be come. 

If I make these changes can I still be who I wanted to be?

I'm really reflecting (this past week) on who I have become. Sometimes it feels as if the person I am right now was forced on me, though, I know that I have [some] control over it.

I see a lot of things in my self that I DO NOT like... Things I never thought I would be. And yet, there are things about me that I never thought I could be, nor did I realize these areas that I was/am lacking in. 

There's a lot of dancing around with my words I realize it. I don't really want to say all that I'm thinking because "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything". 

All that being said. 

Who am I becoming? 

Bitter? 

Angry? 

Self centered? 

Stuck in my ways?

Scared? 

Unsatisfiable? 

Sad? 

I don't want those to be titles that I relate with. 

This is a daily struggle for me. 

I want to be who I was... I want to find that person again. Even in the midst of navigating the ocean of grief...I believe I can find her or at least parts of her. 

one of those nights

Today was over all a pretty swell day. (It's a Friday first of all so how could it be bad??)
I woke up to a message from a parent about the fact that the chapel message I shared yesterday had really sunk in with their child which really blessed my heart (I had been nervous and felt ill prepared to share with all those young eternal souls, but I'm so glad I didn't say NO!)
My students all did well on tests (proud teacher moment!).
I was able to get some lesson planning done and set myself up to be prepared for next week (score!).
Lastly, it was ART day today (every Friday I teach Art at my school). 
Anywho...those are all ingredients to a good day and the start of a good weekend. 
Then driving home, listening to a song that Ember and I used to jam out to in the car, I broke down (emotionally). I started sobbing. I missed my baby. I hated everyone who didn't have to give their baby[ies] back like I did. I got confused all over again. I got angry all over again. And I didn't have anyone to talk to. It's the same old story. I know people are sick of it. I know people don't know how to relate or what to say, so I shut up. I wipe off my tears and I put a smile on my face and I finish my day. 
The truth is, I love my job, I love my house, I love my pets, they are all great distractions. But what I really want is my baby. I can't get over wanting to have a room full of her toys and clothes (instead of two spare rooms with just crap in them). 
I can't get over the fact that all my stupid pictures of my dogs/house/cat/self could be (should be, in my mind) of my children. I can't get over the fact that I should be teaching MY child...she would be 2 and 4 months right now... what would she be learning? I don't even want to think about it...
I can't stop feeling betrayed by my body.
I can't stop wondering, why? 
I can't handle the constant reminders EVERYWHERE.
I can't handle feeling that I'm not able to relate to ANYONE in life right now..
And yet as I type this there comes a silent nudging...

He knows. 

"the Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:14

So, I'm gonna go be silent for awhile now.
<3

Tainted

Stillbirth (and I might add, infertility) taints you. Or, at least, it did (does) me. 

No longer can I look joyfully at a newborn baby. No longer am I able to be excited about pregnancy announcements. No longer can I listen to people spew out the "norm" for pregnancy/labor/birth. Because the truth is... It doesn't always happen that way. The labor and delivery floor doesn't ALWAYS house the labor pains that are "worth the pain". I can pretty much assume that no still birth mama thinks the pain is worth it. It's a horrible time. (Though looking back (and even to some extent, during it) I can see beauty in it). It's a terrifying, confusing, heart wrenching time.. To be on a labor and delivery floor knowing there are many other families in the rooms next door welcoming living babies. Knowing the nursery is full of crying/breathing babies. And yet here you sit with you're heart breaking more and more every contraction, every moment you come closer to holding your lifeless baby. Be mindful of those mommas...

 I know I was guilty of it too. Before it happened to me I never thought "there might be a mom laboring to give birth to a baby that's already in heaven". I do now. I always will. 

Some are not as fortunate as others. 

Some never will be. 

Some will forever be, tainted. 

My husband

My husband was meant to be a father.

He's great with kids, very loving and caring. He's fun, willing to do whatever, and kids love him. 

Watching him interact with with kids is hard for me. Knowing his heart desires children of his own. My hearts desire is to watch him hold our babies. 

It's sometimes painful watching other dads interact with their children... Children that look like their dad, and act like their dad. Knowing my husband doesn't have that. 

He would be an amazing dad to living children (just as he has been an amazing bereaved father). 

We baby sat little brother tonight... These are two of my favorite living people and it's bittersweet to watch their relationship.

❤️