Soul searching

I'm dealing with a lot of raw emotions again. I think, after soul searching, these emotions are coming from some hidden hope I had that "one year" would make a difference. And you know? It did in a lot of ways. I was able to nanny all summer which led to me being able to accept a full time job this school year (something I definitely didn't have strength for any sooner), I've made progress with being AROUND (still not holding) babies, and many other things. But these last few weeks I've started sliding back down hill at a fast pace. As I said before I think I've identified it to having high hopes of feeling better after a year... I guess it's going to take longer. 

Things aren't how I planned/hoped/dreamed they would be and you know, I don't think they ever will. I'm not saying that pessimistically I'm saying it realist-y. 

That realization doesn't help my (sometimes overwhelming) sadness. It just helps me realize I have a lot more work to do... Anger, disappointment, jealousy, bitterness, and sadness to work through. 

Add to all this, all the news of Christian persecution (nothing new I know but way more talked about lately), the continued battle for the end to murdering babies, and the sudden posts of suicide and depression... How does one find joy in such a dark and depressing world? 

Sometimes you don't feel like a city on a hill. 

Missing them

I'm always telling my little sister to be happy with what she has. Example, she says "I want to stay at my best friends house all day" to which I respond "you just spent all morning with her, be appreciative of what you have!"

Maybe I should start telling myself that and let my sister be a kid. 

One of my dear friends visited me this weekend and I find myself wanting ALL of my friend family back in Iowa. Selfish.

I want things when it's obviously not my time to have them. I'm not sure why I want them but I do.  

Why can't I be happy with what God has given me? 

Selfish.

I keep coming back to that quote something like "remember the things you have now are once things you wished you had" I can't remember how it goes and frankly I don't care enough right now to look up the quote. I'm trying to be thankful for what I have. Sometimes it's hard to be satisfied when it feels like so many people have what you want. 

Right now I miss my dear friends. Miss the relationships that we had pre-still birth. Miss the closeness that we all shared. The ability to just be us. 

Movie theaters

Tonight we went to a movie in the theater. Now I'll be honest with you, I have a slight fear of movie theaters (ever since the shooting in Colorado). I know most of you will just roll your eyes at me or say "that's dumb, do you know the chances of that happening to you?" Well guess what, it doesn't matter I still have a nervousness. Mix that in with not liking crowds, not liking to pay 9.75 or whatever a ticket costs these days, and the slight guilty feeling of wasting 2 hours watching a movie. 

Tonight, in our row, but the opposite side, a young guy had a seizure during the movie. At first of course no one knew what was going on and panic ensued. Someone jumped out of her seat and ran past us crying, someone jumped over a seat and then shortly someone yelled seizure and a nurse in the theater went over to help him while someone ran and got the cop on duty and others called 911. It was a very eventful probably 2-5 minutes of panic and unknown-ness (meanwhile the movie is still rolling and the lights are still dimmed). I sat by, unable to do anything feeling somewhat helpless and realized "I can Pray!" So that's what I did! 

The young man started relaxing and coming back to as the EMS got there and they wheeled him out, I'm pretty sure he'll be ok. 

What an eventful movie showing, I think I'm done with theaters. 

Life is beautiful

Why is it so hard for people to see the beauty in life? 

And furthermore how can people deny a Creator? 

I LOVE studying living things. I love marveling at how everything is perfectly CREATED to work in just a way that causes said living thing to live. 

From the life cycle of a worm to the development of a baby in utero it's all BEAUTIFUL and causes my heart to worship my God, The Creator of LIFE. I pray that you, dear reader, know and worship with me tonight the Creator of Beauty... The Creator of Life! 

Anxiously waiting for this beauty to appear! 

"Home"

I'm in Colorado for a SUPER short visit (my great grandmas memorial/celebration of her life lived on earth). 

I grew up in Colorado (southern for the first half of my childhood northern for the second half). It's been over two years since I've been back here (northern). 

I wasn't married last time I was here, actually my (now) husband was meeting my family for the first time! 

I LOVE Colorado. I always tell people geographically its the best place to live. But The strange thing is I don't think I'd ever live here again. There's less and less for me here. I moved almost 7 years ago and when I left I was leaving life as I knew it. My family, my best friends, my job, my church, the familiarity of roads, knowing where I was... Everything. Now I come back and there's almost nothing here except memories. 

My immediate family moved, my friends moved (or we fell apart), and now just a few family members live here. 

No one knows me here... 

Isn't life weird? 

I can't believe it's been so long since I moved.  A COMPLETELY different person drive off for college nearly 7 years ago. 

I think going through this last year has made me forget a lot of positive memories I had (which is sad to me) I'm trying to find some while I'm "home". 

Nostalgia sets in- yet I am thankful for where God has me now. 

Candid

*funny story* for the longest time I thought candid meant something along the lines of funny because of Candid Camera and I always thought that show was hilarious so I related the two--ha!

I'm dealing with anger, in a lot of ways. I need prayer because sometimes i don't know how to handle it, or process it. I have never been a very angry person really and I know anger goes with grief, I'm trying to handle it Biblically but I don't particularly like this underlying feeling...

I just miss the innocence of life before all this. Everything now feel dangerous, everything feels scary. I tend to see the bad more than the good, the what might be's not the what most likely will be's. 

I've also never been an optimist which has dropped from a realist to probably more of a pessimist. 

I then struggle with "Vanessa, your life has not even been THAT hard at all toughen up" to "Vanessa, process and handle these emotions they are what you're feeling." 

I appreciate the prayers of my praying friends, I know they've helped me in the past and trust they will help me now. I also appreciate bible verses you feel led to share with me. 

Xo

Angry

Today we walked by and through the baby section at Target. Most of the time I can tough through it...today I got mad and sad. 

A lot of the time I don't bother myself with "what would have been" because frankly it just isn't so why dwell on it? But today I saw the little girl swim suits and had a flash thought of my Ember splashing in the pool, how she'd probably love the water since I was a fish as a child. I got angry because so many people take simple things like buying their baby a swim suit for granted. I got angry because I will never buy Ember a swim suit. I got angry because the baby row at Target existed.