It's been awhile

It's been awhile. Holidays, little sisters birthday, and crafting has taken up a lot of my time lately (and all the available episodes of Alaska the Last Frontier on Netflix). I have been denying my self time to grieve by pushing it aside or distracting myself with other things. Well, I fear that recently it's catching up with me (probably doesn't help that I have a cold and can't sleep well). 

I miss my baby. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm fearful. 

I'm sad when I realize I'm not sad and sometimes I'm sad about being sad. I think sometimes I worry that if I'm not sad that means I'm forgetting Ember, or "getting over" her and that breaks my heart. Though I know it's not true, I know I'll always remember her and have a place for her...it saddens me that I go more and more days with being ok or not dwelling on losing her. 

This time last year Husband and I were secretly planning how next year would be our baby's first Christmas. And yet, here we find ourselves at Christmas time and no baby's first Christmas.