7 years

Today I got ANOTHER timehop memory about being a doula. Yesterday I had one also and I remember vividly, those babies and those birth stories. Very different (the first birth was to an experienced couple with a few kids at home. The second was first time parents and you could tell, especially in that proud daddy) yet similar (doctor scares and epidurals even though not in the birth plan)... I was shadowing a very experienced doula and I lived over an hour away. They happened within 24 hours of each other. I was exhausted but high on birth adrenaline!

It's crazy to think all the hours of reading/class/workshop/conferences/shadowing I spent on advancing my knowledge and skill in pregnancy/birth/postpartum. Not to mention the births I went to on my own. I used to love pregnancy and birth. I used to love talking about it. I used to love bringing awareness to people, about taking control of your own birth story. I used to read about it for fun (I don't even wanna know how much money I had spent on it over the course of... 6/7 years. 

Now-I avoid it... 

Pregnant women.

Birth stories. 

New babies.

All parts of it.

I am getting a [little-tiny] bit better. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever go back, even just on a smaller scale, to the way I was before Ember and baby #2. 

It breaks my heart that one of my passions was taken from me... 

I lost so much more than a baby when I lost Ember. And this is one of them. Yes she was and is the hardest to lose. But I don't know if people realize how much more you lose in a situation like this. Dreams. Innocences. Parts of your personality. 

There are things you gain too.. Compassion. Experience. Wisdom. New personality traits. 

Just thoughts I'm having today.