Husband's birthday

Tomorrow is Husband's birthday! Today I spent making him a cake and I have never had more fun frosting a cake than I did today (the cake is a surprise but I'll post pictures tomorrow). 

He conveniently has tomorrow off (without requesting it) and Thursday and Friday! Yay I love when he has days off. 

I was thinking today about how easy it is for us, as humans, to think that the life we have is because we make it that way e.g. We have a house because we have a job that earns us money that pays the rent etc. when in reality everything we have is ours because God allows it. This is not a new concept to me but I did spend time dwelling on it today. We have a house because God graciously gave my husband a job (and good health) to earn money (he's in sales and i believe each sale is from God too!) so we can pay rent, buy food, etc. the very breath I woke up breathing God graciously gives to me every moment to breath without trying because he created my body to do just that. 

Anyway all these thoughts came about from my prayers this morning thanking God for my husband.

Public shout out to my guy...you're the best! I'm so glad you were born sooooo long ago ;) and I'm so thankful for you.   It's been a crazy year but here's to growth, love, and healing *cheers* Love you! 

One year

Want to know something crazy? I have had something pressing on my heart tonight. 

It's husbands birthday soon and I have yet to buy him a gift. This may be TMI for some of you but, last year I gave him a pregnancy test with two pink lines on it for his birthday (well early because I couldn't keep it a secret a few days). How do you top a gift like that? You don't. But here's the kicker, it was today exactly a year ago that we found out.. I didn't even realize that until that thought kept coming back and back and back. "What kind of gift is better than news of having a baby?" Then I decided to look on a calendar and sure enough a year to the date. No wonder it's been on my mind so much today. 

I want to dwell only on the happiness we felt that night. The happy tears we cried. The excitement we shared. I decided then that there was no better secret on earth then the secret of a baby being created inside of me and only my husband, my creator, and myself knew about it. 

It was a exciting/nerve wracking feeling, knowing in mere months our lives would be forever changed. We went from carelessly living our day to day life to living with great anticipation of meeting our baby.

What a beautiful feeling that was. One year. Man how the time flies. 

Our baby

Tonight at a few different times husband and I talked about Embers birth kinda just like it was a normal birth. Talked about our memories of it, talked about the feelings we had during, and how thankful we were for our midwife, doula, and my mom. 

It feels good to talk about our baby. Our birth story. To know there were people there trying to make it tolerable. 

One thing I do know from this experience. A woman's birth story is something she can be proud of even in such a dark, trying time. She might even want to talk about it sometimes, even though the memories can be sad/painful simply because she did it. And guess what. She did it with out the reward of a crying living baby to take home and snuggle. She did it because no one else could do it for her. She did it because she had to. Without drugs. Without a c-section. In a place that terrified her. With strangers. With fear and sadness. 

I did that... I sometimes forget/can't believe that I (Me, My self, My body) did all that.

 I know that God designed the female body just perfectly able to birth babies but to actually go through it is entirely different than knowing. 

I will never forget that relief... Even in such grief/heartache the relief was a rush of joy that I needed to get through the next phase of mourning. 

I did that... Crazy. 

Pleasantly surprised

Today we received in the mail a beautiful gift from the hospital we had our baby in. Recently they had a memorial service for all the babies born still in their hospital and obviously we couldn't make it back. They sent us the candle they lit in her memory and a beautiful stained glass butterfly. 

Through all of this I have been shown the kindness that people have and even though I thought i would never choose a hospital birth I am so thankful for the positive story (inside the heartbreaking story) that I have. 

Change you're heart

I had every intention of starting this post out negatively. Complaining about everything that went wrong or that was hard today. But then I asked myself "why not try to focus on the positive?" To which my negative self said "what positive?" 

Then a list began to break out...

I have: a warm house/bed

A great husband 

A loving family 

Supportive friends 

My health/life (an ambulance was at the house down the road which really causes you to think about things sometimes.)

A church that is helping me grow spiritually

I'm still grumpy but a thankful grumpy if that's possible 

Emotion waves

Tonight, driving home, we heard Ember's song. The song husband and I sang to her moments before the nurse came in to take her body away from us forever. It's a very special moment to me and husband and I keep that song to ourselves. 

We both started singing with the song tonight, neither of us mentioning her but both knowing what the other was thinking. 

I started sobbing as the words came out, thinking about that feeling. Knowing the nurse was coming to take away our baby's body to lay her body down somewhere cold and sterile. Where we could never see her or touch her again (here on this earth). Horrible. I'll just say it how it was. Horrible. 

Even though we made the choice of when we gave her body up how could we ever be ready for it? 

The nurse was sweet and kind. I asked that I could leave her in her arms because how could I leave her alone on that stupid hospital baby cart bed thing? 

As quickly as the tears came tonight they left and I was fine (until I started blogging, then they started again). 

Grieving is a strange storm to be in. 

Sadness

Today started out pretty rough. I woke up early this morning to the birds chirping happily and all was well until I started wishing my baby was cradled in my arms next to me. I thought of what she'd be like now at 4 or 5 months old, thought about how all my restless nights would have been because of her not because my bad dreams or anxiety. I thought about how it's getting close to the time a year ago her little body formed "wrongly" inside of me. I thought about a future without her and how it doesn't seem fair. I thought about how people are getting to the point where it's time to "start moving on" "get over it" "stop dwelling on it" though no one has said any of those things directly I feel like people feel that way about me sometimes. 

Life is not at all what I thought it would be, and I know no ones life ever is but it still makes me sad. 

I think this holiday season might be harder than I anticipated, though I haven't thought much about it because I still take things days at a time.

 I am grateful she got to spend one holiday season with us here on earth even though she was my little secret last Thanksgiving and "our" little secret last Christmas she was still with us. Her first, and only holidays being secretly knitted together in my womb. 

Missing her..