Today started out pretty rough. I woke up early this morning to the birds chirping happily and all was well until I started wishing my baby was cradled in my arms next to me. I thought of what she'd be like now at 4 or 5 months old, thought about how all my restless nights would have been because of her not because my bad dreams or anxiety. I thought about how it's getting close to the time a year ago her little body formed "wrongly" inside of me. I thought about a future without her and how it doesn't seem fair. I thought about how people are getting to the point where it's time to "start moving on" "get over it" "stop dwelling on it" though no one has said any of those things directly I feel like people feel that way about me sometimes.
Life is not at all what I thought it would be, and I know no ones life ever is but it still makes me sad.
I think this holiday season might be harder than I anticipated, though I haven't thought much about it because I still take things days at a time.
I am grateful she got to spend one holiday season with us here on earth even though she was my little secret last Thanksgiving and "our" little secret last Christmas she was still with us. Her first, and only holidays being secretly knitted together in my womb.
Missing her..
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