Grief for a newly grieving mama

It's hard to think of words to say to a mama who has lost her baby. And I've been there so you'd think that I would have some magic, cure all words. But here's the thing...there are miscarriages, still birth, complications after birth, SIDS, and so many different types of ways to lose a baby.  Not to mention there are mamas who have known for part or most of their pregnancy that they may lose their baby. There are people like me who are completely surprised to lose their baby. 

There are mamas who have awesome support whether it's their husbands, their family, their friends, or their church. And sadly there are mamas that have to do it all alone. There are mamas with no other kids. There are mamas that have already lost kids. There are mamas that have kids at home and have to help them also grieve. 

So many scenarios (and some that I'm not mentioning I'm sure). Throw in religion, beliefs, background, personalities, life experiences, and life situations... that how could there be an answer that is a perfect puzzle piece fit?The thing about greif is, there's no way for you to possibly know how someone is feeling. Even my husband and I who have the same story, have different grief. Sometimes things you say, even with the best intentions, hurt. 

 One thing that I hope people will get from this is that we need to help grieving people realize that their grief is their own and that may not look like anybody else's. 

That if they need to have their baby's blanket with them in their purse for the next month or year that's okay.  

That if they can't leave the house without something that reminds them of their baby that they lost, that's okay too they're not crazy. 

That if suddenly driving to the grocery store is more terrifying than you ever thought it could be... That's normal.

That if they need their husband to call or text as soon as he gets where he's going so you know he's safe... Normal too. 

Things will probably never get easier but they will get manageable...you will learn to navigate your own ocean of grief and know how to handle when the waves are crashing over you and know how to take advantage of the stillness in between the swells. 

That is a combination of things said to be that I found to be the most helpful in MY situation at the time they were said. 

Also, try not to forget the important dates for the grieving mama. I have found even a simple text or picture of something that reminds you of their situation is greatly appreciated. 

I guess it all boils down to... Try not to relate, instead listen, love, and say [do] what your heart (or the Holy Spirit, if you're a believer) leads you. 

Grief is hard, people... Losing a baby is hard. Expect hurricanes and tidal waves in the ocean of greif and enjoy the calm whenever it comes (for however long it lasts). 

After

Sometime who you become, after a major life event, sucks. Sometimes people around you, after a major life event, suck. 

I keep having a flash back lately (probably because it happened almost exactly two years ago) days after I went through a stillbirth I was at Walmart with my mom and a lady stops me, of all people, and says "will you lift this for me, I'm newly pregnant and I shouldn't lift heavy things" I could have punched her... I had just given birth and shouldn't be lifting heavy things either, but of course she didn't know that. Luckily my mom was with me and I didn't even have to talk to that lady or look at her. I still have horrible feelings towards that woman... 

Becoming such a fragile person, after being a somewhat tough person, is very hard to do. Sometimes I hate the person I've become. Sometimes I just hate the situation. Like when people have to go through my husband to figure out how to handle me (guess what stillbirth dads have emotions too). Or how people have to tip toe around me. Or how some people I just can't make myself even be fake friendly to... It's not fair. Not to me, not to the other people, not to my husband.

But what's the solution? Is there one? 

Today two years ago, we said our final goodbyes to our baby girl. We had a lovely little service for her and many people came showing their love and support. 

I can't believe it's been two years... 

Big life things are happening in our life...things that are exciting but don't quite compare to what my life was like before and definitely no where near where I thought they would be. 

"Memories"

It's strange to use the Facebook "memories" or "on this day" app. Crazy to see how one year a day could be a perfectly happy day and the next one of the hardest days of your life.

I was induced today, 3 years ago. 

4 years ago my roommates and I were serenaded by the boys of the house up the hill. 

Looking back is strange thinking of myself then. Having the time of my life, engaged to a great guy, planning a beautiful wedding, not suspecting at all that exactly a year later I would be broken completely. 

And then 1 year ago my wonderful nana passed away. I think of her so fondly. So many memories that include her. I'm so thankful for a nana that loved me so and was such a big part of my childhood and even into my adult life. 

Just reflections to ponder... One day can hold so many memories. 

2 years

It's strange when you don't really know how to feel. Today is 2 years since we heard "there's no heart beat" and yesterday (her baby shower anniversary) was harder than today. As time passes I don't know how to feel... Sad? yes. Mad? Often. Happy? I try. 

I don't want to MAKE myself sad today if I didn't wake up that way but also I feel I'm being too calloused if I'm not sad. 

Ah ha, there come the tears... 

This day, 2 years ago changed my life and me personally, as a human, forever. Much more sadness (though I've always been a somewhat pessimist), much more rawness. I don't care as much what people think of me any more. I look at people who have lost...differently. I look at people who haven't lost...differently. Basically I look at life and the whole world around me.. differently. 

Not all of those changes are bad things, though sometimes I feel like my life after is just pretty much dumb. In everything I do nothing seems to hold a flame to being a mom to Ember. What I should be doing is raising a toddler but instead I'm doing ______(whatever it is that I'm doing). 

It's still hard being around infants and kids that would be her age. I suspect I will always look at them and wonder what she would be like.

God allowed this to happen for a reason, though I may never know why, I have to trust. I have to believe that it was for a greater purpose. maybe someday I will have the courage to help hurting mamas, like so many hurt mamas before me, have helped me. But for now I just do the best that I can do to occupy my time and thoughts with meaningful things.... missing her always ❤️

Reinventing

Right now in life everything I'm doing feels like a reinvention of myself. Changing myself from the stay at home mom I planned on being to the person who has to go out in the world and make a purpose for herself. Coming up on two years since my life flipped drastically and it doesn't feel any easier than one year did. I look around at the [so many!!] babies her age, or what age she would be and my heart breaks a little each time. She'd be coming up on her "terrible twos" but I know she wouldn't have been terrible.

 I look at all the things I fill my time with and my heart hurts knowing that I should have been filling my time with Ember. Teaching her things. Showing her things. Making her things. And my heart breaks a little. 

I'm thankful for the things I have to fill my time with and I do know that God has me where he wants me it's just sometimes my heart needs a little extra convincing. 

Looking back

Timehop has been reminding me of my pregnancy with Ember a lot lately. Things that I have forgotten or not thought about for 2 years. It's interesting to see what day/memory brings up what emotions. Mostly I'm thankful to be reminded. Sonetimes it's hard to think back to my innocence then... My selfishness, my confident self. 

Sometimes I worry that people are thinking "get over it, it's been two years" but then I think "you talk about your kids all the time, give me break for mentioning what I can about my short time being a mom." These thoughts are not aimed at anyone person... Just thoughts. 

Sometimes I think "it's been two years, move on."

I feel emotionally drained for many reasons tonight and if I could I would turn myself into a cocoon, spend the whole weekend renewing and  be a completely new, refreshed, different being on Monday. 

A girl can wish, right? 

Forget-me-not

As time goes on, both without Ember and seemingly without children... I often feel like I never had a baby (these are times that stretch marks are handy! Proof that a baby grew in there!) I feel like maybe it was all a dream... Like my desires for children were made up and maybe I'll be just fine without living children. But then something will randomly hit me right in the gut and I'm left breathless or in tears. Thinking about what might have been. You know she'd be working on 2 years old here pretty soon. She'd be talking some, walking well... 

Forget-me-not 

Forget-her-not 

She existed (and exists in heaven). She wasn't a dream. 

I  obsessed with forget-me-nots this year. Such cheery little things. I can't wait till it warms up and I can plant a whole lot of them in honor of all the souls not forgotten in my life.