2 years

It's strange when you don't really know how to feel. Today is 2 years since we heard "there's no heart beat" and yesterday (her baby shower anniversary) was harder than today. As time passes I don't know how to feel... Sad? yes. Mad? Often. Happy? I try. 

I don't want to MAKE myself sad today if I didn't wake up that way but also I feel I'm being too calloused if I'm not sad. 

Ah ha, there come the tears... 

This day, 2 years ago changed my life and me personally, as a human, forever. Much more sadness (though I've always been a somewhat pessimist), much more rawness. I don't care as much what people think of me any more. I look at people who have lost...differently. I look at people who haven't lost...differently. Basically I look at life and the whole world around me.. differently. 

Not all of those changes are bad things, though sometimes I feel like my life after is just pretty much dumb. In everything I do nothing seems to hold a flame to being a mom to Ember. What I should be doing is raising a toddler but instead I'm doing ______(whatever it is that I'm doing). 

It's still hard being around infants and kids that would be her age. I suspect I will always look at them and wonder what she would be like.

God allowed this to happen for a reason, though I may never know why, I have to trust. I have to believe that it was for a greater purpose. maybe someday I will have the courage to help hurting mamas, like so many hurt mamas before me, have helped me. But for now I just do the best that I can do to occupy my time and thoughts with meaningful things.... missing her always ❤️