Grief for a newly grieving mama

It's hard to think of words to say to a mama who has lost her baby. And I've been there so you'd think that I would have some magic, cure all words. But here's the thing...there are miscarriages, still birth, complications after birth, SIDS, and so many different types of ways to lose a baby.  Not to mention there are mamas who have known for part or most of their pregnancy that they may lose their baby. There are people like me who are completely surprised to lose their baby. 

There are mamas who have awesome support whether it's their husbands, their family, their friends, or their church. And sadly there are mamas that have to do it all alone. There are mamas with no other kids. There are mamas that have already lost kids. There are mamas that have kids at home and have to help them also grieve. 

So many scenarios (and some that I'm not mentioning I'm sure). Throw in religion, beliefs, background, personalities, life experiences, and life situations... that how could there be an answer that is a perfect puzzle piece fit?The thing about greif is, there's no way for you to possibly know how someone is feeling. Even my husband and I who have the same story, have different grief. Sometimes things you say, even with the best intentions, hurt. 

 One thing that I hope people will get from this is that we need to help grieving people realize that their grief is their own and that may not look like anybody else's. 

That if they need to have their baby's blanket with them in their purse for the next month or year that's okay.  

That if they can't leave the house without something that reminds them of their baby that they lost, that's okay too they're not crazy. 

That if suddenly driving to the grocery store is more terrifying than you ever thought it could be... That's normal.

That if they need their husband to call or text as soon as he gets where he's going so you know he's safe... Normal too. 

Things will probably never get easier but they will get manageable...you will learn to navigate your own ocean of grief and know how to handle when the waves are crashing over you and know how to take advantage of the stillness in between the swells. 

That is a combination of things said to be that I found to be the most helpful in MY situation at the time they were said. 

Also, try not to forget the important dates for the grieving mama. I have found even a simple text or picture of something that reminds you of their situation is greatly appreciated. 

I guess it all boils down to... Try not to relate, instead listen, love, and say [do] what your heart (or the Holy Spirit, if you're a believer) leads you. 

Grief is hard, people... Losing a baby is hard. Expect hurricanes and tidal waves in the ocean of greif and enjoy the calm whenever it comes (for however long it lasts).