A walk

Tonight Husband and I took Baby Brother and Little Sister for a walk. I love watching Baby Brother observe things. He's a year and one half and everything is new to him. Every sound is cool, every animal is a discovery, every plane flying over is exciting, and of course every ball/basket ball hoop is awesome! 

To be young, carefree, and excited about everything sounds so good. Faith like a child. Love without reserve. 

Missing my baby and the fact that I'll never watch her do these things. Thankful I have Baby Brother though. 

Today I stumbled across the realization that no one will come to me for parent advice, or questions. The only help I'll ever be is if someone goes through this horrible thing and that's unfortunate. That's not a fun thing to have experience in. 

Today

Baby brother found my phone today. Little sister said "ness! He has your phone!!" When I walked over to him he was looking at my lock screen (picture of Ember) saying "baby" then he brought the phone up to his lips and gently kissed the screen. Then he carried my phone around for a while looking at "the baby". 

It felt as if she was real to him and it made me happy. 

Later I was going to post a picture on Facebook of my latest sewing project but after seeing all the posts of all the different babies (not to discourage people from posting because I'm happy for those people that can and are posting pictures of their babies or call any certain person out cause there were lots of different people posting) I realized how lame a new craft was in comparison and how much more I'd rather be posting pictures of my baby too. 

I'm almost bitter at the "free time" I have to; learn to sew, do crafts, remodel a house, etc. because that's time that SHOULD (in a fair world) be spent on my brand new baby. 

But that's not what was supposed to happen in my life... My days are open, my arms are empty, my nights are sleepless and restless, and my heart is broken. 

I really am not trying to make anyone stop posting pictures of their baby, or make anyone "feel sorry for me" I'm just getting off my chest what I'm going through today. 

Husbands day off

Today we woke up and felt like it was going to be a good day. We watched a few episodes of our current favorite tv show then headed out to use some gift cards we received as moving away gifts. We ate lunch at Red Lobster (crab bisque yum) and buy some things for our bathroom at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. 

When we got home we finished our 

kitchen wall (I've been procrastinating the ombré wall even though it's the coolest wall!) 

(Pay no attention to our door frame, or lack thereof). 

Then I finished my curtains! 

And we painted our closet 

(Leftover paints and washi tape to make it funky) 

So it was a great, fun, productive day :) 

3 people text me today and told me they prayed for husband and I this morning and you know what? Prayer works :) 

Just a day

It's really unfair of me to only blog when I'm going through a rough day or have experienced a new sadness, but in reality my days that are"good" are pretty boring. 

 

Our bathroom is finished and I even unpacked our boxes into it! Whew that took me forever! We finished our last coat of living room paint!  Those things are done now so I can rest well tonight feeling pretty accomplished. 

Tomorrow starts "real" school, not just "getting in the groove". We (little sister and I) agreed upon a weekly theme that we pick a month at a time. First we do our "regular school" which is spelling, math etc. then we get to do the "fun stuff" This week is science experiment week. We both love science and though the experiments will be simple I'm sure we'll have fun. Next week is baking/cooking. 

Meeting new people and trying to be friendly is hard I've decided. I've never been very good at meeting new people then you throw in grief and its like psh, whatever. I need to take things slowly. I realize it's not good to get stuck, so I'll try to avoid that but...At the same time it's ok to take my time. Tricky balance. 

See, I told you. Boring.

:) 

A new perspective

Since I started this blog I kinda figured it was about 1-me releasing things to the world. 2-connecting with others like me. 3-helping people we've moved away from know what's going on.

Today I got a message from a friend that gave me another perspective. She said something along the lines of...thank you for being honest and open, helping me to know how to pray for you AND to have a greater understanding of what you and others in your situation are going through... I thought, "hey that's cool. Not only is this helping her know how to pray and help me but she is also able to apply it to others when the time comes." 

So I thought I'd just say, if you know of someone (a friend, aunt, grandma etc) who wants to know what their bereaved mama feels like so they can better minister to them by all means share my blog with them.

 Not that every one grieves the same way because they most certainly don't. But because mamas who loose their babies often go through similar things.  Things like:

-Freaking out that the house is gonna burn down and all tangible memories will be lost (which is why I got a fireproof box)

-worry about their spouses life being taken away 

-every car is out to get you and wreck into you

-keeping something that reminds you of your baby on you at all times

Just to name a few. 

Eventually I want to blog about some of the other things in more detail that I (and I know other mamas whom have lost) worry or think about. 

Anyway, it's just a thought I had today and I was encouraged at the thought of other people who haven't directly lost know how to help someone they care about. 

Rough night

Warning: my goal with this blog was to be honest and real with you and tonight I have a lot of honesty and realness to get out. 

Tonight we went to a support group (for people who have lost babies). It did quite a lot in this broken heart of mine. 

It awoken anger that I've been dealing with, anger that there were 30 ish people in this circle who were all hurting like me. Anger that these kinds of groups even have to exist, anger that I was one of the group, anger that I couldn't even say my name or my baby's name without crying, anger that I was too heart broken to speak. Anger that I'll never have a blissful pregnancy. Anger that people take for granted their pregnancies and babies. Anger that people kill their babies.

It awoken fear. Fear that it can and does happen to some more than once. Fear that if/when we have a live baby all these emotions will come flooding back. 

I cried, I laughed, I missed my baby, I was thankful for others willing to share their stories, thankful that people don't crawl inside a hole after something devastating happens but instead reach out and love on others going through the same thing. 

On the way home I wouldn't even talk to husband about the meeting. In my head I was going through all the reasons I was angry, then a song came on that I sang when I was pregnant. I thought about the words back then and thought "wow, do you really mean these words?" And tonight as I was singing it again I thought "wether I meant them or not they happened" ..."take my hopes, my dreams, my family... They're all yours God".

 I cling so tightly to my husband ever since we lost our baby. Some days it's hard to even let him go to work because something could happen while I'm not with him. I know a lot of you won't understand that fear but it's very real for me. I don't want him taken away too. 

These are my feelings right now. I am angry. And that's ok. It's part of grief. 

I have a lot to work through and like I've had to do so many times in the past two and a half months I have to take things a day at a time. 

 

More like home less like a fixer upper

We've made some good progress lately,  or at least I feel that way. This house is starting to feel more like a home. Not necessarily our home because due to all the "fixing up" it's much easier to keep things packed away. Any day now though I should be able to unpack things into my kitchen and the guest bathroom until our master bath is done. 

I'm so thankful for my parents because we wouldn't be able to have home cooked food if we were doing this process alone. 

I've decided to update you all on what it looks like so here goes...

Living room walls are neutral to balance out all my colors. 

Kitchen meet living room. 

Kitchen you are my favorite.

Bathroom still in progress. 

Anyway... I am starting to really like this house and I can't wait to unpack and really live life here :)

Today was a good day, I like when husband has the day off even if it is during the week instead of weekends. 

Oh and best news for last... Our apt. in Wi. rented out! Praise The Lord for that burden lifted!!!!