Tonight we went to a support group (for people who have lost babies). It did quite a lot in this broken heart of mine.
It awoken anger that I've been dealing with, anger that there were 30 ish people in this circle who were all hurting like me. Anger that these kinds of groups even have to exist, anger that I was one of the group, anger that I couldn't even say my name or my baby's name without crying, anger that I was too heart broken to speak. Anger that I'll never have a blissful pregnancy. Anger that people take for granted their pregnancies and babies. Anger that people kill their babies.
It awoken fear. Fear that it can and does happen to some more than once. Fear that if/when we have a live baby all these emotions will come flooding back.
I cried, I laughed, I missed my baby, I was thankful for others willing to share their stories, thankful that people don't crawl inside a hole after something devastating happens but instead reach out and love on others going through the same thing.
On the way home I wouldn't even talk to husband about the meeting. In my head I was going through all the reasons I was angry, then a song came on that I sang when I was pregnant. I thought about the words back then and thought "wow, do you really mean these words?" And tonight as I was singing it again I thought "wether I meant them or not they happened" ..."take my hopes, my dreams, my family... They're all yours God".
I cling so tightly to my husband ever since we lost our baby. Some days it's hard to even let him go to work because something could happen while I'm not with him. I know a lot of you won't understand that fear but it's very real for me. I don't want him taken away too.
These are my feelings right now. I am angry. And that's ok. It's part of grief.
I have a lot to work through and like I've had to do so many times in the past two and a half months I have to take things a day at a time.
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