Reinventing

Right now in life everything I'm doing feels like a reinvention of myself. Changing myself from the stay at home mom I planned on being to the person who has to go out in the world and make a purpose for herself. Coming up on two years since my life flipped drastically and it doesn't feel any easier than one year did. I look around at the [so many!!] babies her age, or what age she would be and my heart breaks a little each time. She'd be coming up on her "terrible twos" but I know she wouldn't have been terrible.

 I look at all the things I fill my time with and my heart hurts knowing that I should have been filling my time with Ember. Teaching her things. Showing her things. Making her things. And my heart breaks a little. 

I'm thankful for the things I have to fill my time with and I do know that God has me where he wants me it's just sometimes my heart needs a little extra convincing. 

Looking back

Timehop has been reminding me of my pregnancy with Ember a lot lately. Things that I have forgotten or not thought about for 2 years. It's interesting to see what day/memory brings up what emotions. Mostly I'm thankful to be reminded. Sonetimes it's hard to think back to my innocence then... My selfishness, my confident self. 

Sometimes I worry that people are thinking "get over it, it's been two years" but then I think "you talk about your kids all the time, give me break for mentioning what I can about my short time being a mom." These thoughts are not aimed at anyone person... Just thoughts. 

Sometimes I think "it's been two years, move on."

I feel emotionally drained for many reasons tonight and if I could I would turn myself into a cocoon, spend the whole weekend renewing and  be a completely new, refreshed, different being on Monday. 

A girl can wish, right? 

Forget-me-not

As time goes on, both without Ember and seemingly without children... I often feel like I never had a baby (these are times that stretch marks are handy! Proof that a baby grew in there!) I feel like maybe it was all a dream... Like my desires for children were made up and maybe I'll be just fine without living children. But then something will randomly hit me right in the gut and I'm left breathless or in tears. Thinking about what might have been. You know she'd be working on 2 years old here pretty soon. She'd be talking some, walking well... 

Forget-me-not 

Forget-her-not 

She existed (and exists in heaven). She wasn't a dream. 

I  obsessed with forget-me-nots this year. Such cheery little things. I can't wait till it warms up and I can plant a whole lot of them in honor of all the souls not forgotten in my life. 

come as you are (David Crowder)

On the way home tonight I was listening to the new Crowder cd (well, new to me). Come as You are is a very emotional song and tonight it struck a very raw nerve.
Here are the lyrics with  my thoughts/feelings in parenthesis

Come out of sadness
From wherever you've been

(This is me... Afraid and hiding in sadness, sometimes too nervous to even THINK about hoping)

Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin

(very broken)

Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal

(is this true? can heaven really heal this sorrow? earth side)

Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame

(I am full of burdens, and often shame)

All who are broken
Lift up our face

(So broken, all parts of me)

oh wander come home
You're not too far
So lay down your hurt

(am  I willing to lay down my hurt?)

Lay down your heart

(Can I lay down my heart?)

Come as you are

There's hope for the hopeless

(where is my hope?)

And all who have strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There's rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't cure


I love this song, but tonight my heart asked the question, How does a perfect, powerful God that can create something with a word from his mouth...relate to a woman who desperately wants to create a child but cannot?
He created me with:
the DESIRE to have children
the passion to raise children
the love of teaching children
the calling of nurturing children

and yet...
here I am.

I'm not asking this question disrespectfully, I know God is all knowing... so I'm sure there is a way for Him to know. But today (and lately in general) I feel like no one can relate to me, no one knows how I'm feeling, no one can say the right thing... I feel very much alone.
I know I'm not alone, but I feel desperately alone.

Praying

I'm not good at praying. I'm being honest here. I feel like, since Ember died, what's the point. God will accomplish His will, life will happen, and my prayers don't mean much... This is me being honest. 

But then, you hear horrible things happening all over the world... And (in another honest moment) I often try to put it out of my mind... Persecution terrifies me, it does. But, it's all over. I can't ignore it... What can I do? Pray? 

The Bible tells me to. But sometimes I ask, how? Or...why? 

I'm trying to get better at it, I am. My heart breaks for all these people... My heart is anxious for what the future could hold here, or in my personal life. 

There is no conclusion to my post today because there is no conclusion in my thoughts... 

January 15th

Here I sit on the year anniversary of baby #2 date. 

Losing a baby so early along after losing a baby so far along has been a very odd thing for me. I have always valued life from conception but this baby felt and still feels a lot less real to me. In fact many times I look at the calendar and say "why is the 15th marked?" Then I read why it's marked and feel guilty again. I rarely think about this baby, about how, if he/she had been born it would be only 5 months old... My life would be vastly different. And yet this might be the first time I've actually thought of it. 

I thought I'd take a moment to write about and remember baby #2. 

Baby, you shaped me in ways I probably don't even realize. I wish I could have known you more. Missing you, tonight. Xo 

Joy

This year I'm going to try and find joy in my life. More often anyway (because I know that it would be unrealistic of me to expect myself to be joyful always...)

So I'm trying to focus on 

Jesus

Others

Yourself (me!)

In that order... I have many ambitions for myself this year, I love a new year (like a  a new journal, or new canvas) all sorts of new possibilities! 

As most of you know last year I started sharing my Bible Journaling and found encouragement in all the positive feedback I was getting. I was nervous to share at first but I will continue to because of so many of you being encouraged by it. I'd love it if you started doing it in your own Bible too!! 

Well during the holidays I got in a funk and started believing a lie.. When I went to do my first entry of the year I opened to this page and these words stuck right out at me. 

What a great way to start the new year! may I stop believing the lie that---just because things aren't going my way God is against me. 

Have a JOY-ful new year friends!