one of those nights

Today was over all a pretty swell day. (It's a Friday first of all so how could it be bad??)
I woke up to a message from a parent about the fact that the chapel message I shared yesterday had really sunk in with their child which really blessed my heart (I had been nervous and felt ill prepared to share with all those young eternal souls, but I'm so glad I didn't say NO!)
My students all did well on tests (proud teacher moment!).
I was able to get some lesson planning done and set myself up to be prepared for next week (score!).
Lastly, it was ART day today (every Friday I teach Art at my school). 
Anywho...those are all ingredients to a good day and the start of a good weekend. 
Then driving home, listening to a song that Ember and I used to jam out to in the car, I broke down (emotionally). I started sobbing. I missed my baby. I hated everyone who didn't have to give their baby[ies] back like I did. I got confused all over again. I got angry all over again. And I didn't have anyone to talk to. It's the same old story. I know people are sick of it. I know people don't know how to relate or what to say, so I shut up. I wipe off my tears and I put a smile on my face and I finish my day. 
The truth is, I love my job, I love my house, I love my pets, they are all great distractions. But what I really want is my baby. I can't get over wanting to have a room full of her toys and clothes (instead of two spare rooms with just crap in them). 
I can't get over the fact that all my stupid pictures of my dogs/house/cat/self could be (should be, in my mind) of my children. I can't get over the fact that I should be teaching MY child...she would be 2 and 4 months right now... what would she be learning? I don't even want to think about it...
I can't stop feeling betrayed by my body.
I can't stop wondering, why? 
I can't handle the constant reminders EVERYWHERE.
I can't handle feeling that I'm not able to relate to ANYONE in life right now..
And yet as I type this there comes a silent nudging...

He knows. 

"the Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:14

So, I'm gonna go be silent for awhile now.
<3

Tainted

Stillbirth (and I might add, infertility) taints you. Or, at least, it did (does) me. 

No longer can I look joyfully at a newborn baby. No longer am I able to be excited about pregnancy announcements. No longer can I listen to people spew out the "norm" for pregnancy/labor/birth. Because the truth is... It doesn't always happen that way. The labor and delivery floor doesn't ALWAYS house the labor pains that are "worth the pain". I can pretty much assume that no still birth mama thinks the pain is worth it. It's a horrible time. (Though looking back (and even to some extent, during it) I can see beauty in it). It's a terrifying, confusing, heart wrenching time.. To be on a labor and delivery floor knowing there are many other families in the rooms next door welcoming living babies. Knowing the nursery is full of crying/breathing babies. And yet here you sit with you're heart breaking more and more every contraction, every moment you come closer to holding your lifeless baby. Be mindful of those mommas...

 I know I was guilty of it too. Before it happened to me I never thought "there might be a mom laboring to give birth to a baby that's already in heaven". I do now. I always will. 

Some are not as fortunate as others. 

Some never will be. 

Some will forever be, tainted. 

My husband

My husband was meant to be a father.

He's great with kids, very loving and caring. He's fun, willing to do whatever, and kids love him. 

Watching him interact with with kids is hard for me. Knowing his heart desires children of his own. My hearts desire is to watch him hold our babies. 

It's sometimes painful watching other dads interact with their children... Children that look like their dad, and act like their dad. Knowing my husband doesn't have that. 

He would be an amazing dad to living children (just as he has been an amazing bereaved father). 

We baby sat little brother tonight... These are two of my favorite living people and it's bittersweet to watch their relationship.

❤️ 

Ed Sheeran--Photograph

These last few days I've been somewhat obsessed with this song. I know it's about romantic love but there are more words in it that speak to me about my babies in heaven so I ignore those few phrases and keep the rest for my babies.
Some times the lyrics remind me of what my babies might say to me.
Sometimes the lyrics are what I want to say to them.
Sometimes the lyrics are about Tom and I without them

Tom and I

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

And time's forever frozen still

Baby

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet

Me

You won't ever be alone

Skip some lines...

Baby

You can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul

Skip some lines...
Me

And I won't ever let you go

...

"Wait for me to come home."

There it is. my discombobulated thoughts and feelings on this song... 

Maybe someone else feels this way too. 

(hugs)

***LATER***

Oh my goodness, in my rush to get thoughts down this morning I forgot one of my favorite parts of the song! 

                

                          Me

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know
I swear it will get easier, remember that with every piece of ya
And it's the only thing to take with us when we die

Can't believe I forgot that part. 

Time

2 years... still seems strange to say. It's been, already, a lifetime and yet only a moment. It's been "that must have been a dream" and a cold slap of reality. 

Life keeps marching on, even though at times it feels as if it is paused. I wonder, how long? 

How do you gracefully grow up? I don't want to be a person that always only thinks back to "the good ole days". I want to find joy, peace, beauty, and contentment in the here and now. I want to look forward with hopeful anticipation towards the future. 

Life is passing right before my eyes (no I'm not being dramatic for my age) it's true. I've spent so much of my time, this past two years especially , looking back to college age longing to go back. I also have a bad tendency to spend so much time dreading the future. I often forget that there's a present. Be still and know that he is God. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Present tense. [random verses that popped into my head as I am typing this.]

And still here I am, longing for past things and dreading future things. 

7 years

Today I got ANOTHER timehop memory about being a doula. Yesterday I had one also and I remember vividly, those babies and those birth stories. Very different (the first birth was to an experienced couple with a few kids at home. The second was first time parents and you could tell, especially in that proud daddy) yet similar (doctor scares and epidurals even though not in the birth plan)... I was shadowing a very experienced doula and I lived over an hour away. They happened within 24 hours of each other. I was exhausted but high on birth adrenaline!

It's crazy to think all the hours of reading/class/workshop/conferences/shadowing I spent on advancing my knowledge and skill in pregnancy/birth/postpartum. Not to mention the births I went to on my own. I used to love pregnancy and birth. I used to love talking about it. I used to love bringing awareness to people, about taking control of your own birth story. I used to read about it for fun (I don't even wanna know how much money I had spent on it over the course of... 6/7 years. 

Now-I avoid it... 

Pregnant women.

Birth stories. 

New babies.

All parts of it.

I am getting a [little-tiny] bit better. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever go back, even just on a smaller scale, to the way I was before Ember and baby #2. 

It breaks my heart that one of my passions was taken from me... 

I lost so much more than a baby when I lost Ember. And this is one of them. Yes she was and is the hardest to lose. But I don't know if people realize how much more you lose in a situation like this. Dreams. Innocences. Parts of your personality. 

There are things you gain too.. Compassion. Experience. Wisdom. New personality traits. 

Just thoughts I'm having today. 

Struggles

It's such a struggle trying to figure out where you fit in when your baby isn't with you, [most] everyone around you has kids, and it seems like you may never have a living child. 

It's hard when, your whole adult (16+) life you've wanted to be a midwife/doula/birth photographer/birth advocate and yet here you stand unable to even THINK about helping a woman through a live birth. 

It's crazy when you used to be the person that held a newborn any chance you got, and now it's been over two years since you've held a baby. 

It's frustrating when you have ALL of this experience with children from newborn all the way up to teens... All these great plans and dreams for "how your family will be" and yet your family consists of, no children.

People say "you'll have kids"

People say "You're young"

People say "there's time"

People say "it'll be ok"

People say...

I don't believe it, I mean I believe it will be ok, I'm already experiencing more and more "ok" as time goes on... But sometimes 2 years feels like an eternity. Sometimes it feels like you only get a few chances. Sometimes it feels like, nope.