A year ago today I stayed home from church to hang out with my mom, little sister, and baby brother because they were about to make the long trek home. Mom and I got to talking about the baby inside me and how I hadn't felt it much lately. Mom and I both tried to hear the baby's heart and I tried everything to get baby to move. I called my husband whom was at church and he got someone to fill his spot so he could take me to see our midwife just to make sure. I felt silly and like I was going to look like a paranoid first time mom. I prayed the whole way there (45 minute drive) that baby would move and we could call our midwife and cancel. We got to our midwife (she was helping with a class away from her office) so in a back room on the ground she tried to hear with a fetalscope, then with a Doppler. After quite a while she calmly said something like "we should go to the hospital and get an ultrasound, just because I can't find it doesn't mean bad news. Don't worry yet." She called the midwives at the hospital and we all 3 loaded into my car to drive to the hospital (Aaron Shust was playing in the background). We got to the hospital and they also tried to hear with a Doppler then a ultrasound. I'll never ever forget the feeling of hearing the words I so dreaded "I'm sorry, there's no heart beat". Husband and I fell into each others Arms. I remember calling out loud to God, asking Him "why?" and saying "please God no!".
By Gods careful planing my mom was still in town and was with me as soon as she could be. That night and the days ahead feel like a dream, or a movie I was watching of someone else's life. Sometimes I still don't believe I really experienced it but I do have proof, however limited it may be.
Working on a shadow box for her in honor of her one year anniversary in Heaven.
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