Wednesday last year

Wednesday last year was the 5th and so even though tomorrow will be the date we celebrate Embers little life on earth, today is the day that is bringing up emotions in me. 

Scared to let go-

Feeling watched-

Feeling scared-

Pressured to preform- 

Scared of seeing my baby-

Things I never planned on feeling in a delivery situation... Never thought I would be on the brinks of buckling under the pressure to have a c-section... But my pitocin levels were getting to the max and I "wasn't progressing" (even though, of course I was). 

Scared. 

Weak. 

Drained.

Pretty soon (if you've placed yourself back in time a year with me) my lovely midwife/doula will suggest a bath as a last resort before c-section. I'll slide into the bath and into another world. It's dark, I'm finally alone. It's quiet. I can do this. An hour later I'll have my baby before the midwife can properly glove up (ha, not progressing my tushy). 

Still too afraid to see my baby. Asking my mom for details..." What is it???" I ask, A girl! A beautiful girl" "Ember Rose, I say "her name is Ember Rose." my mom encourages me to see my "beautiful baby girl". Perfectly formed the way God intended. (Spitting image of her dad)... 

We spend "all the time we want" with her. We weren't pressured to leave ever but honestly how could hours ever be all the time we need?

Hellos.

Pictures.

Holdings.

Goodbyes.

My Nana (aka great grandma aka Rose) passed away yesterday. My daughter (Ember Rose, named after her) a year ago today (except really the 5th, for some reason the day in the week has been more impact-full in my memories than the "date"). How fitting that our family should honor and remember two such beautiful (polar opposites on the age range scale) souls in the same week. 

I love(d) them both...

<3