Looking back

Ever since our baby left us looking at pictures of my past is not the same. I look at myself years, months, even days before that day and think to myself "oh you poor girl, so happy and naive" or "you have no idea how your life will change". That's the thing about death, often it just blindsides you and your world is shaken. 

One of the hardest things for me is looking back and realizing I'll never be that carefree person, that innocent girl who's whole heart is intact. I'll never be her again because, I'll never have my whole heart back and I'll never be naive to the fact that babies do sometimes die before you're ready. Of course I KNEW that it happened, that babies died, but now that it's happened to me I realize it happens a lot more than the average person realizes, or at least then I realized. I don't know how to gracefully inform people (the kind of person that I used to be) that no it doesn't just happen to THOSE people, it can happen to ANYBODY. It's scary, but I think I'd like to find a way to help people not skip the chapter in their pregnancy book "when you come home empty handed". I skipped those chapters, cause guess what, that wasn't going to happen to me... I did things right, I was in touch with my body, I ate well, I was well informed and confident in my body. we read to our baby all the time, talked to her, embraced her... I did things right, I was healthy I didn't need those chapters. Oh sweet Vanessa of 2 months ago... If you only knew what was in front of you.