Sneak Attack

Today I experienced a sneak attack. This happens from time to time and from what I've read and heard of its common. Certain things set you off, make a good day nose dive into the sea of emotions surrounding you. I had one this morning. 

We went to church, I was in a fine mood and felt like it would be a Good day (this to me means less emotional), Until we were asked to fill out a card so the church could know more about us (our names etc.) then at the very end it asked Children's names (and birthdays)...How do we answer that? This is something we hadn't discussed, and during worship wasn't the time. The rest of service it was left blank until the end right before we had to give it back. I thought about not turning the card in, sticking it in my Bible and pretending we never filled it out. I thought about turning it in without our baby's name on it, after all she isn't "ours" any longer. Then with seconds to spare I wrote her beautiful name, Ember, followed by her earthly date of birth. I couldn't leave her out. After all she was OUR baby, our child and she does deserve the honor of being mentioned. 

It broke my heart. 

I knew the time would come, I know more times will come when we'll be asked "do you have kids?" Or "when will you guys start having kids?" And I imagine my answer will greatly depend on my strength that day. 

Luckily this happened right at the end of church so I quickly went and sat in the car to hide my tears. My baby, how could we deny her at least the mention of her name?  Someone that spent 7 short yet impactful months with us. 

It's hard when something catches you off guard like that, puts you in an awkward place. 

There's no way to prepare for some of the things mamas like me have to come up against, and there certainly is no way of knowing ahead of time how we'll react. It stinks, it really does and to be honest I hate it. Not even I know how I'll react to something so little to the majority of the world yet to me so important. I don't like not knowing how I'll react at any given time but that's just where I'm at right now. Maybe down the road there will be more stability and predictions to how I'll handle things but for now I have to walk lightly, waiting for another sneak attack to catch me off guard. 

I'm happy to say my day turned around and I still had a "good day". We got quite a bit done at the house, Husband and I went on a lovely date and then watched Thor with my family. 

I am blessed.