Made it!

First Christmas dealing with grief and we made it through! 

We stayed the night at my parents house and all of us kids pulled out mattresses/sleeping bags and had a huge camp out (so we can all wake up at the same time) like we have every year for as long as I can remember. I'm grateful Husband doesn't think it's weird and participates in our tradition :) 

We had a great day. 

I didn't come up with anything special to do for Ember... But I will work on ideas for next year. 

I'm reassured so often that we made the right choice moving when we did. I'm thankful to be around my family. 

Thank you for your goodness to us, God! We are blessed. 

Ember's first Christmas ornament

Yay! Today it finally came!

With our baby registry we got a shutterfly gift card (for birth announcement or baby shower invites) but since I couldn't use it that way I chose to make a shutterfly Christmas ornament. Her first, and likely, only ornament. 

I was nervous it wouldn't make it on time but it came today! In time to put on the tree. 

Baby's first Christmas, in heaven with the one we celebrate today. 

Miss you, baby girl. Merry Christmas!

Xo

It's been awhile

It's been awhile. Holidays, little sisters birthday, and crafting has taken up a lot of my time lately (and all the available episodes of Alaska the Last Frontier on Netflix). I have been denying my self time to grieve by pushing it aside or distracting myself with other things. Well, I fear that recently it's catching up with me (probably doesn't help that I have a cold and can't sleep well). 

I miss my baby. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm fearful. 

I'm sad when I realize I'm not sad and sometimes I'm sad about being sad. I think sometimes I worry that if I'm not sad that means I'm forgetting Ember, or "getting over" her and that breaks my heart. Though I know it's not true, I know I'll always remember her and have a place for her...it saddens me that I go more and more days with being ok or not dwelling on losing her. 

This time last year Husband and I were secretly planning how next year would be our baby's first Christmas. And yet, here we find ourselves at Christmas time and no baby's first Christmas.

Socially awkward

Today I realized I now fit into the socially awkward group (if I didn't already before). I found myself in a situation meeting/talking to new people and I was terrified questions were going to lead to the "do you have children?" Category.. I've read that most people in my situation just take it as it comes and decide in the moment how they will answer. I almost started crying just THINKING about answering EITHER way. Lucky for me it didn't come up but I worry that in the process I came across as rude/stuck up/snobby/uninterested/ etc... 

I don't want to purposefully not claim my baby but I don't want to cry (or come across cold and uninterested) in front of strangers all the time either. What a strange, new place in life for me. 

On the other hand, my baby brother has only been told Embers name a handful of times, but he now has it memorized and recognizes her face in pictures (or my lock screen, that he so often kisses). I love that he loves her so. 

Half a year...

I can't believe it's been 6 months since our baby went to heaven. 

We remembered her tonight decorating her a personal little tree only 2 feet tall! With tiny pink ornaments, tiny pink garland, and a tiny pink tree topper (and normal size pink lights). 

Mama decorating

Daddy decorating

Finished and wrapped in a doily made by my grandma. 

~Wish you were with us, baby. 

Xo 

Ember's nest

Today we bought our Christmas tree! When Husband was unloading it from the truck he found a perfect little pine needle nest! 

It's very fragile but I'm going to try and preserve it and make it stronger. 

I initially thought "cool Montessori work!" But then thought wait a minute... It's an empty nest... In our first Christmas without Ember... It's Embers nest! So I'm going to try and preserve it best as I can for Ember. 

Thanks, God, for little gifts/reminders of my baby. 

Firsts

This is the start of firsts for us. Firsts that we had anticipated but that are drastically different than we had planned. We had our first Thanksgiving without our baby and though we both thought about her God graciously gave us sweet times with my family. I so wished she could have been with us, I'm positive my baby brother would love her so (I know he does actually. Every time he gets ahold of my phone and sees her picture he kisses it and says baby). I think about how they would interact often. 

We went to a renaissance festival today and for some reason felt compelled to buy her some things (even though she doesn't care and it's for our sake not hers). 

(A wooden rose)

Ironically just recently I had been thinking how I wanted a lasting rose (inspired by a friends engagement rose) and saw this today and thought it would work perfectly.

Then later we came across an artist making these pictures and my mom thought it'd be cool to have one made for Ember 

It was fascinating to watch the artist work, he made it look so easy! The cool thing is; all he knew was the name and that the name was the name of my daughter (I didn't say anything about her being still born). he just naturally made it so rainbow-y. I thought it was awesome how the 'E' is made up of  3 dolphins (a mama a daddy and a baby). There are also roses and a butterfly. He made it perfect without knowing. 

God is awesome. 

Cake!

Here are the pictures of the "most fun I ever had decorating a cake" cake.

 Swiss meringue 

Torched

Cut open!

So fun and so yummy! I got the idea from Pinterest it's true... I mixed 3 ideas into one, I was worried about the flavors all going together but it actually turned out quite well. 

Husbands birthday was fun 

Starbucks 

Greek lunch 

Fish shopping

Dessert appetizer at my fams house followed by dinner a movie then cake and gifts

Now tomorrow is prep for thanksgiving day. What an eventful/foodful week :) 

Husband's birthday

Tomorrow is Husband's birthday! Today I spent making him a cake and I have never had more fun frosting a cake than I did today (the cake is a surprise but I'll post pictures tomorrow). 

He conveniently has tomorrow off (without requesting it) and Thursday and Friday! Yay I love when he has days off. 

I was thinking today about how easy it is for us, as humans, to think that the life we have is because we make it that way e.g. We have a house because we have a job that earns us money that pays the rent etc. when in reality everything we have is ours because God allows it. This is not a new concept to me but I did spend time dwelling on it today. We have a house because God graciously gave my husband a job (and good health) to earn money (he's in sales and i believe each sale is from God too!) so we can pay rent, buy food, etc. the very breath I woke up breathing God graciously gives to me every moment to breath without trying because he created my body to do just that. 

Anyway all these thoughts came about from my prayers this morning thanking God for my husband.

Public shout out to my guy...you're the best! I'm so glad you were born sooooo long ago ;) and I'm so thankful for you.   It's been a crazy year but here's to growth, love, and healing *cheers* Love you! 

One year

Want to know something crazy? I have had something pressing on my heart tonight. 

It's husbands birthday soon and I have yet to buy him a gift. This may be TMI for some of you but, last year I gave him a pregnancy test with two pink lines on it for his birthday (well early because I couldn't keep it a secret a few days). How do you top a gift like that? You don't. But here's the kicker, it was today exactly a year ago that we found out.. I didn't even realize that until that thought kept coming back and back and back. "What kind of gift is better than news of having a baby?" Then I decided to look on a calendar and sure enough a year to the date. No wonder it's been on my mind so much today. 

I want to dwell only on the happiness we felt that night. The happy tears we cried. The excitement we shared. I decided then that there was no better secret on earth then the secret of a baby being created inside of me and only my husband, my creator, and myself knew about it. 

It was a exciting/nerve wracking feeling, knowing in mere months our lives would be forever changed. We went from carelessly living our day to day life to living with great anticipation of meeting our baby.

What a beautiful feeling that was. One year. Man how the time flies. 

Our baby

Tonight at a few different times husband and I talked about Embers birth kinda just like it was a normal birth. Talked about our memories of it, talked about the feelings we had during, and how thankful we were for our midwife, doula, and my mom. 

It feels good to talk about our baby. Our birth story. To know there were people there trying to make it tolerable. 

One thing I do know from this experience. A woman's birth story is something she can be proud of even in such a dark, trying time. She might even want to talk about it sometimes, even though the memories can be sad/painful simply because she did it. And guess what. She did it with out the reward of a crying living baby to take home and snuggle. She did it because no one else could do it for her. She did it because she had to. Without drugs. Without a c-section. In a place that terrified her. With strangers. With fear and sadness. 

I did that... I sometimes forget/can't believe that I (Me, My self, My body) did all that.

 I know that God designed the female body just perfectly able to birth babies but to actually go through it is entirely different than knowing. 

I will never forget that relief... Even in such grief/heartache the relief was a rush of joy that I needed to get through the next phase of mourning. 

I did that... Crazy. 

Pleasantly surprised

Today we received in the mail a beautiful gift from the hospital we had our baby in. Recently they had a memorial service for all the babies born still in their hospital and obviously we couldn't make it back. They sent us the candle they lit in her memory and a beautiful stained glass butterfly. 

Through all of this I have been shown the kindness that people have and even though I thought i would never choose a hospital birth I am so thankful for the positive story (inside the heartbreaking story) that I have. 

Change you're heart

I had every intention of starting this post out negatively. Complaining about everything that went wrong or that was hard today. But then I asked myself "why not try to focus on the positive?" To which my negative self said "what positive?" 

Then a list began to break out...

I have: a warm house/bed

A great husband 

A loving family 

Supportive friends 

My health/life (an ambulance was at the house down the road which really causes you to think about things sometimes.)

A church that is helping me grow spiritually

I'm still grumpy but a thankful grumpy if that's possible 

Emotion waves

Tonight, driving home, we heard Ember's song. The song husband and I sang to her moments before the nurse came in to take her body away from us forever. It's a very special moment to me and husband and I keep that song to ourselves. 

We both started singing with the song tonight, neither of us mentioning her but both knowing what the other was thinking. 

I started sobbing as the words came out, thinking about that feeling. Knowing the nurse was coming to take away our baby's body to lay her body down somewhere cold and sterile. Where we could never see her or touch her again (here on this earth). Horrible. I'll just say it how it was. Horrible. 

Even though we made the choice of when we gave her body up how could we ever be ready for it? 

The nurse was sweet and kind. I asked that I could leave her in her arms because how could I leave her alone on that stupid hospital baby cart bed thing? 

As quickly as the tears came tonight they left and I was fine (until I started blogging, then they started again). 

Grieving is a strange storm to be in. 

Sadness

Today started out pretty rough. I woke up early this morning to the birds chirping happily and all was well until I started wishing my baby was cradled in my arms next to me. I thought of what she'd be like now at 4 or 5 months old, thought about how all my restless nights would have been because of her not because my bad dreams or anxiety. I thought about how it's getting close to the time a year ago her little body formed "wrongly" inside of me. I thought about a future without her and how it doesn't seem fair. I thought about how people are getting to the point where it's time to "start moving on" "get over it" "stop dwelling on it" though no one has said any of those things directly I feel like people feel that way about me sometimes. 

Life is not at all what I thought it would be, and I know no ones life ever is but it still makes me sad. 

I think this holiday season might be harder than I anticipated, though I haven't thought much about it because I still take things days at a time.

 I am grateful she got to spend one holiday season with us here on earth even though she was my little secret last Thanksgiving and "our" little secret last Christmas she was still with us. Her first, and only holidays being secretly knitted together in my womb. 

Missing her.. 

Reflection

Lately I've been uninspired by the project headlines. I have, however, been doing some of my own reflection and I've learned that, I like the person my baby's life has turned me into (for the most part, more about that later).

The Lord has taken this event and changed me in ways I didn't even realize I could be changed. I'm aware I have a long way to go and who knows in a couple weeks I could be very unhappy with the person I'm becoming. But right now I'm pleased. 

I appreciate people more (though I still do a poor job showing it). 

I appreciate God more and notice more of the "little things". 

I have compassion (sometimes more than others). 

If we go on to have living children I [think] I will slow down and show them the little things more. 

I'm more open to different future possibilities. Before my dream (and therefore concrete plan) was to be a mom and have children. Now I realize that's not the only dream/plan available to me. 

The list goes on. 

---

There are things I want to work on and that is my fear and anxiety. Though I struggled with them before Ember the problem has increased. since I've become a "statistic" I realize that I can't and won't always be the "normal/average/chances are everything will be fine" person. At some point everyone, in some way, is the "minority/rarely/statistic that scares you" person. And that's just life here on earth. 

To live [or to die] will be an awfully big adventure (To paraphrase Peter Pan). And I am certainly glad that on this adventure I have my family, friends and most of all an Unchanging God. 

Day 23-jewelry

I have been blessed with lots of tokens to wear in Ember's memory/honor. 

I always have something on me that signifies her. The hospital also gave Neva tiny ring that was still huge on her little fingers that she wore for pictures (Not pictured above). 

Also the clothes that everyone was wearing the day she was born I have memorized. Whenever they wear them I think of her. Maybe I'll ask for them and make a quilt out of them if we have another baby in the future.., 

Day 20-hope

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name. On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand" 

I'm not even sure what to hope for but I know Jesus has it under control. 

Day 19

Support 

I have been blessed to have so much support from so many people. 

My husband has been such a support to me every step of the way, every tear, every doubt. 

I'm blessed to have a husband like him. 

17/18

Day 17 time 

It has been over 4 months since our baby left this world and while 4 months is not that long, in some ways it feels like an eternity. 

Day 18- release 

I'd really like to start letting go of the fear I have now. I know it's a trust thing and I'm working on it every day (trusting God). 

Some additional thoughts. 

Today while we were at the bank our banker asked us about our matching bracelets (first time someone's inquired about them) and husband told her they were for our baby girl that we lost. She grabbed my hand and asked all about her and we talked about lots of things and she cried with me. It was very sweet of her. She told us she'd be praying and if we needed anything she'd take care if us. Such a sweet encounter with a random (pretty sure Christian) woman. 

I also realized today that I like pink so much more nowadays remembering my baby girl that, had she been born alive, probably wouldn't have worn pink that often at all. 

Day 16- seasons

We found out I was pregnant late last fall. I carried our baby through winter and spring we spent our first married summer grieving. 

We haven't had many holidays without her yet. I'm sure they'll be hard though since all our dreams and plans included baby's first ______. 

Day 15- remember

I just unpacked my personal journal that I kept up with very poorly in my transition from Singleness to married. My last entry was 3-20-13 and part of my entry said 

"This baby needs a strong mom, I am not strong." Referring to that hormonal/emotional transitional time in my life and how I felt spiritually.

Thank you, Ember, for showing me my strength. For showing me there's strength in weakness, strength in letting others care for you. Thank you for helping me realize so much more than I ever did before that I need Jesus. 

Your daddy and I are lighting a candle tonight to remember you. It's the candle that we got in your special box in the hospital. we haven't lit it yet, today will be the first time. 

You have shown us so much and grown us in such strange ways that I never anticipated growing in. We miss you every day but know that you're happy and just where you're supposed to be. Love you, our spark burning low. 

Remembering Ember Rose (in Texas) 

Day 14- family

Day 14-Family 

Our family now is us. Husband and I. Some day maybe God will bless us with more to add to our earthly "us" but we are figuring out our life as a couple again after months of planning and rearranging for our baby and becoming a family. 

Last night we got out Embers things and I looked at her pictures because I felt like I was forgetting who she was... It's hard sometimes to find a balance. Going too long without looking through her stuff makes me feel guilty but looking through her stuff brings back a flood of emotions that I can't handle every day... 

I miss her. 

I wonder what she'd be like about 2 1/2 months old. 

Would it be going as I planned? 

What things would be hard for me? 

How would our family be different? 

Life is a vapor, a mist, so easily taken for granted. 

(That's not a picture from today, I didn't feel like photographing myself today) 

Day 13- books

The one book I actually finished is still packed so I can't take a picture of it. The title is I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. Mostly I found books about stillbirth or infant loss to be too sad in a time of my own sadness. Eventually I'll get them back out again and read them more. 

This is my smash book of memories of my pregnancy that I'm putting together. That's painful to do sometimes too so I haven't worked on it much... 

Day 10-11

Day 10 was Belief

I believe in Jesus. I believe in The Holy Bible. I believe in heaven and hell. I believe that Ember is in heaven with Jesus. 

One day I will go be with Jesus and Ember. I know that Jesus made it possible for a sinner like me to spend eternity there (in heaven) and for that I am eternally thankful. 

Day 11-emotional triggers 

Oddly enough I had one tonight... 

Husband took me out to dinner and I thought about how four months ago I was looking forward thinking "soon it will never be just "us" it will be us and baby" thinking date nights would be different, alone time would be scarce. 

I felt guilty tonight, for selfishly thinking about that then, but how would I have known... 

Other triggers are babies her "should be" age, baby things in general, pregnant bellies... I have a lot of triggers sometimes they pull sometimes they're fine it's hard to know when they'll go off.  

Day 9- song

When I was pregnant with Ember "Just Give Me A Reason" by Pink featuring Nate Ruess was SUPER over played but I liked it just the same... I kind of thought of it as our song just cause I (and therefore we [Ember and I]) would jam out to it in the car after dropping Husband off at work. 

After Ember died I started kind of making up my own meaning and interpretation to the song. 

I wanted a reason as to why this pain was happening even if it was just a glimpse of Gods purpose. 

My body and my heart weren't broken just bent and in the future maybe I could learn to love another pregnancy and baby again. It's in the stars (I take this to mean God in heaven has it under control and written in his plan). It's been written on the scars in my heart... Ember will always be on my heart but some day I hope to love again. Not in place of, just again. 

I realize this is quite a stretch to such an obvious song about a completely different situation but for some reason this is what comes to me... Odd but true. 

Day 8- color

Ember's color is dark, bright pink. I never thought I'd be such a pink fan for a baby girl but right away I knew it couldn't be soft pink representing her she was far too  tough for that, too much fight in her. So fuchsia it was and I think it's perfect for her. Her uncle (my brother) bought me these roses after she died

 They were perfect, baby fuchsia roses. 

Day 7

7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

Everyday is different, but I do feel as if I've come a long way. Though it's only been 4 months I feel as if it's been an eternity. 

If I'm going to be honest (which I told you I would) I wrestle with body image. I know most women do, but this is a new different kind than before. 

How do I answer the last question? That's so complicated. My heart is heavy for my husband and I as we're the ones left here to deal with sadness and grief. My heart is lighter that my baby girl's in a place with no pain or sadness. Sometimes I'm jealous that Ember never had to hear about sad/mean things in this life. Sometimes I'm sad that she'll never experience things here though such as: falling in love, sand on her toes or the taste of chocolate. But me being human can't fully grasp the pleasures of Heaven and all she's experiencing there. 

So how do I answer the last question? I don't know. 

A picture to show where I am in my grief now? 

Slowly trudging along (upside down sometimes apparently) determined to get somewhere even though it takes time. Baby steps (or what ever it is that snails do besides step) 

Day 6- rituals

I sleep with this baby blanket by me every night. 

We look through her fireproof box when we need to.

We have a shelf of Ember things hanging in our living room. 

As the milestones and years continue we hope to have balloon releases every born to earth birth days and incorporate something Ember into family photos. 

It still hasn't been long enough to have started many rituals but I'm sure some will develop as we go.  

Day 5-memory

Wow--day 5 happens to be Embers 4 month milestone and the local walk to remember pregnancy/infant loss and balloon release. A lot going on in one day. My sweet husband bought me this amazing picture today---

(Not my picture of the day) 

There was so much going on at the walk I had a hard time actually being very emotional which is ok with me, I don't like being emotional in front of so many strangers. 

Day 5 is Memory... And honestly the first thing I think of when I think of my baby is- her sweet movements and life inside of me. I loved feeling her move, knowing she was there growing inside of me. I don't have a picture to go with today's "capture your grief" so I'll use an old belly pic 

I do love and treasure those memories. 

Day 4-Legacy

Ember is and always will be: 

Our first baby

My parents first grandchild 

She helped me to see others love 

She helped me to have more empathy and compassion for mamas and daddy's who have walked a similar path 

She gave her daddy and I a desire to come along side grieving parents in the future, to be what we've been so blessed to have in our grief

She made me a mama 

Day 3- myths about grief

I've heard many times in many different ways "You'll never get over it, it never gets better" etc. right after it happened and I was in the deepest part of grief, that wasn't helpful to me. To me that meant I'd always feel the way I did just then.  I realize that is a miscommunication that what people are trying to say is "she'll never be replaced" or "you'll miss her always" but when you can hardly get through a day without sobbing or when you can't imagine going through tomorrow the way you feel today (like I did at first) getting through weeks or days without sobbing IS better asking a friend about her baby IS better. 

I do have a hope, a faith, and a trust in The Lord. Without those I'm not sure where I'd be in my walk of grief. 

I have rough days, I still can't look at babies very long, or talk about them much. But it's getting better. 

Identity

2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

Ember Rose was chosen before I was ever even in a relationship. Luckily Husband liked it too. My middle name is Rose (after my nana) and I wanted that continued. 

Ember means just what an ember is a spark burning low. I was hesitant when I was pregnant (before we knew if she was a boy or girl) that a daughter named Ember might be a rambunctious spit fire of a child. Little did I know Ember meant my little baby was a spark burning low, fighting for life from around 3 weeks on.

She was born June 5th, this year about 3 days after her body stopped. She was born breech, in a hospital completely opposite of what I ever imagined in a birth story for me. 2lbs 10ozs 12 3/4 inches long.

She looked exactly like her daddy, in fact watching her dad sleep now sometimes reminds me of her. I'm still obsessed with her button nose. 

She hated chicken but loved BBQ and soup. She had a personality that husband and I knew very well. We keep a lot of her memories stored up for just us three. She was ours for 7 months but the memories are ours forever. 

October

October is Stillbirth/infant loss awareness month and I so wanted to participate in a photo a day through grief challenge but the first one was sunrise and I completely forgot today was October 1st! At sunrise I was still deeply sleeping soooo I guess I'll skip that one and start tomorrow. I did wear my Ember's pendant plus the other things I wear all the time in her honor. And I'm hoping to get to the craft store and buy some supplies to make pink and blue para cord bracelets for the whole family to wear this month.

Hoping I can remember to keep up with this photo challenge! 

1 year

1 year

12 months

52 weeks

365 days

8,765 hours

525,948 minutes

31,556,926 seconds 

 

A lot can change in that amount of time. And for husband and I, it did. 

My last name changed

Where I lived changed

My job changed

My church changed 

We found out we were to be parents (around the same time as 3 of my best friends got pregnant too!) 

We got a bigger car

We got a bigger appartment 

Tom got another job (to make up for the money I wouldn't be contributing since I'd be staying at home)

Our baby died

We moved again (3rd time!)

Tom got a new job

... Just to name the major ones in OUR personal family 

That's a lot to handle in the first year of marriage and yet, here we are. One year (and one day) later. Our relationship is stronger with each other and our personal relationships with Jesus are stronger.

We've grown in so many ways and I'm so thankful for having such a great man to walk beside in this life. 

Life goes in such different directions then we plan sometimes. But God is good all the time. 

Sewing

Today I literally only stopped sewing to eat meals and then for the night once husband got off work. It was quite fun and my day FLEW by :) so excited to be learning this new, practical, skill. 

Creating is one of my favorite things to do. I am in another realm. Ask little sister, she's the opposite of me, talking away while she's crafting, trying to get a simple yes or no from me and I tell her "I'm crafting right now, I can't create and talk at the same time." I don't mean to be rude, I'm just happily inside my head trying to make my fingers and hands create the things my mind sees. 

I'm very excited about what I made today but it's a gift so I can't post pictures of it yet. 

Speaking of gifts... My anniversary is coming in a week!!! I have no clue what to get husband. Year 1. Crazy! I should figure that out soon! 

A thought

"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"-- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say "If The Lord wills, we will live and do this or that" James 4:13-15

This passage is one I dwell on a lot in life nowadays. I'm a planner. I like to know what's next. But in reality when do we ever really know what's next? Those of us who have trusted Christ can be sure of one thing, but on this earth it's unpredictable. I don't like definite plans anymore. I don't like saying "this and that will happen" because I truly don't know. I can hope, I can trust, and I can believe that whatever does happen happens for a reason even if I don't know that reason now (or maybe ever). 

This is a strange entry, more like a journal entry than talking to you (reader). But something non the less I wanted to say. 

If The Lord wills. 

Baby girl's shelf. 

Breakdown

I can't describe to you what it's like to have something so... Irreplaceable, so, valuable yet worthless to the rest of the world. I've written on this blog before about my fireproof box. Full of the few tangible things I have to remember my daughter and her birth. 

This new pendant is made of glass... I'm on edge wearing it, it could break so easily and yet it's purpose is to be on me, be with me always. 

And so I'm faced with a choice, guard it in a box as safely as I can, but where no one else can see it/know about it, or I can wear it boldly, trusting it will get through another day undamaged. 

And please don't tell me it's just a necklace, just an earthly possession because no. It's not. It's part of my own flesh and blood. And it's scary to walk around with that out on display. 

Just another thing a grieving mama has to go through... 

Be Kind

Today the quote "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Has really been on my mind. 

Grief (or at least in my experience of grief) makes you pretty selfish for a period of time. I don't think it's bad, I think it's necessary to take time and focus on yourself and possibly those closest to you. But it is easy to get caught up in it and not realize others are fighting some sort of battle. A battle which to you in the midst of your current battle might seem like nothing but to them in the midst of their battle is extremely exhausting, frustrating, and overwhelming. 

I look back at some of the battles I've fought in my past and feel like this is the hardest one (I'm sure I'll always feel like it's up there on my toughest battles) but looking back I know in the midst of other battles I felt like I was in a hard fight. 

Some battles are secret, some are common but all are trying. I know I could be better at showing people grace and mercy and I'm reminded of my short comings and thankful for a Savior overflowing with grace and mercy. 

I wish I was not so short fused. 

On a completely different note, I got my pendant today (2 months later than assured I would have it by). It's a pink, glass pendant with some of my daughters ashes in it. It might seem weird to some but after carrying my baby for 7 months to not having her at all it's nice to have her with me again. Though I do know she is not WITH me, you know what I mean...

Baby things

Today we went shopping and I saw so many baby girl things that I wanted to buy for Ember's shelf. The only thing is realism sunk in and I thought "you know, she never touched this doll, or held this bear, or wore this outfit. If I bought it "for her" really it would just be an item sitting on a shelf that would remind me that she wasn't here." So I didn't buy anything. But I often think I want to buy her cute things, stuffed animals, little shoes, and snuggly blankets. I just never can make myself. I know some people continue to buy things in honor of their babies but I haven't reached that point. 

Back to reality

We had dinner in our home for the first time tonight! I know, I know, some of you are thinking "wow, you've been there forever" but the reality is... Things take time when you're remodeling/moving/grieving all at once. I was excited, to cook dinner for Husband and I. Spaghetti with zucchini and summer squash-yum! 

Afterwards though, I got to thinking... This is our new reality. In a new home, making new memories without our baby. 

We were so pleasantly surprised to discover I was pregnant with Ember so quickly after we got married. We started thinking about how "wow, we're gonna spend our 1 year anniversary opening our wedding memory box with a baby!" Now as our anniversary approaches I realize that "plan" we made is different now too. I just can't get over how many plans/dreams changed with that positive pregnancy test and how drastically they were shattered with the words "no heart beat". Life is crazy, unpredictable, and so out of my control. 

Hoping to turn our day back into a good, exciting day watching a movie and eating Rocky Road ice cream-yum!

 But first I had to get some thoughts out and now I have to go look through some of her things to remember her. 

I'm a mama, not a mom

I'm a mama, not a mom

I can tell you what it feels like to find out you have another life inside you, but I can't tell you what it's like to raise that baby up. I'm a mama, not a mom.

I can tell you what it feels like to feel that baby squirm and squiggle inside you, But I can't tell you what it's like to watch her learn to crawl. I'm a mama, not a mom.

I can tell you what it's like to dream of what they'll look like, but I can't tell you what it's like to watch them as they grow. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell you what it's like to have people touch your belly, happily asking "when are you due?", but I can't tell you what it's like to hear them ask "how many months is she?". I'm a mama, not a mom.

I can tell you what it's like to go to the hospital, go through labor and through birth, but I can't tell you what it's like to stay up all night due to a fussy baby. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell you what it's like to hear the words "it's a girl!", but I can't tell you what it's like to hear her cry her first. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell you what it's like to make milk to give your child, but I can't tell you how to nurse. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell you what it's like to hold your baby for the first time, but I can't tell you what it's like to take her home. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell what it's like to have your heart outside of you, but I can't tell you what it's like to worry over sicknesses. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell you all about a little baby girl, but I can't watch you as you hold her, tell me she looks like me. I can't tell you when she got her teeth, or how to handle colic, or how she goes to sleep. I can't tell you what to do when you just need time alone. I can't tell you, I don't know 'cause I'm a mama, not a mom.

Something new

I was given a sketching journal by a dear friend/mentor and I've recently started illustrating Bible verses. I find it to be very helpful in a few ways: 1-I'm paying closer attention to the verse to find what word pictures are in it. 2-I'm thinking about the verse more. 3-I look forward/enjoy doing it.

I wouldn't say this life event has taken me further from God. No, I wouldn't say that at all. Actually I would say the opposite, I have been leaning on/trusting Him (and his people) more and more through it. I have had a very hard time though, being deep in His Word, only reading bits and pieces here and there. 

I'm very thankful that I have a desire lately to get back into Scripture, to study it. I have a strong suspicion a few people have been praying for that, which is exactly what I needed.   

Thank you. 

Always Remembering

I wear this Always Remembering bracelet all the time. I've thought all along how coincidental it is that the name I've loved for so long is hidden in the word RemEMBER. Ember-Spark burning low. 

I knew (before I was even talking to the man I married) my first daughter would be Ember Rose. I thought about how beautiful that would sound calling her to the table for dinner, telling her good night. I never thought about Remember Ember. I'm sad I don't get to use her name as often as I had planned... Nor in the ways I imagined. I'm sad that at this point her name brings me sadness more often than joy. I know in the future I will be able to find joy more and more in talking about my baby, remember the short time I had on this earth with my spark burning low. 

3 months

I finally remembered a milestone today! Which makes me feel like a better mom. I wasn't too sad all day either. 

We went to the beach, last time we went there I was 5 months pregnant with my baby girl. So weird how life changes things and you end up completely different than you planned. 

We wrote in the sand for her, I was sad when the tide washed her name away but also a little relieved. For some reason anytime someone else walked by it and read it I was uncomfortable, and i surely didn't want it there after we left. 

Husband and I talked about the fact that some days it really seems like my pregnancy was just a dream... And it's true, some days it really does feel that way. My body feels a little different, and I have stretch marks to prove it if I ever REALLY start to doubt it. But other than that a person watching husband and I walking down the beach would have NO idea what this summer has been like for us, and that, my friends, is bizarre.

Baby Brother is a ray of sunshine for sure, I'm so grateful his mom chose life and in doing so blessed this family more than she could ever know. Watching him enjoy the beach today was so much fun. 

Thank you God, for a beautiful way to spend the day. Trusting my baby girl had a great day in eternity with you. 

Busy Day

Whew!! Today was a productive day. After school Mom, Little Sister, and I rearranged somethings so we could have a separate school room!! I think it's gonna be great! We're trying to think of a name for our school :) 

One corner is our sewing station which is exciting 'cause Baby Brother can't get into our stuff now and projects can stay out. 

Then Husband and I set some more things up at our house and unpacked a few boxes. We're excited because He has two days off in a row!! Wahoo! Tomorrow we're headed to the beach with the fam. 

I'm hoping all of my busy work will help me to have deep sleep and by-pass the bad dreams tonight.

Today's beautiful thing- God's creation of butterflies. Every time I read about them I'm amazed at the details God puts into life. 

Fear of Fear

I'm realizing the constant state of fearing fear I'm living in. For example "how scary would it be if someone broke into our house while I'm sleeping?" Or "What if that semi truck crashes into us, the fear that I would have for the few seconds would be crippling!".

Anyway I'm always coming up with these fearful scenarios, I think because "how horrible would it be to hear the words 'no heartbeat'" recently happened in my life... 

It doesn't matter how much I bring to my mind the scripture on fear and not worrying  that I've memorized, that fear is still there. Haunting even my dreams, making my nights restless and my sleep light. The lack of sleep causes me to be even more sad, irritable, and unmotivated than I would be in this circumstance.

This is my struggle today. 

The beauty I find in today is the love and endurance people have, past their breaking point. The ability to keep pouring love out. 

What am I finding?

I've come to the realization that I'm not trying to find beauty in the ashes. When I named this blog that was my desire, to find beauty in these ashes. And yet, I realize, I'm negative. I'm stuck in a pity party rut... Guess what? I don't really want to/feel like I have strength to climb out of it either. 

But I'm gonna try.

I want to start by spending more time with my husband. I miss him all day while he's at work then he gets home and we just watch a movie or get on Facebook (or writing this blog lol!) so as soon as this is done I'm gonna suggest a board game (or maybe I'll have him read my blog and that'll be my way of suggesting it).

Then I want to find something beautiful in my life each day... Maybe I'll blog about it. Maybe it'll be a secret. But either way I want to try. 

Wish me luck (even though I don't believe in luck). 

A walk

Tonight Husband and I took Baby Brother and Little Sister for a walk. I love watching Baby Brother observe things. He's a year and one half and everything is new to him. Every sound is cool, every animal is a discovery, every plane flying over is exciting, and of course every ball/basket ball hoop is awesome! 

To be young, carefree, and excited about everything sounds so good. Faith like a child. Love without reserve. 

Missing my baby and the fact that I'll never watch her do these things. Thankful I have Baby Brother though. 

Today I stumbled across the realization that no one will come to me for parent advice, or questions. The only help I'll ever be is if someone goes through this horrible thing and that's unfortunate. That's not a fun thing to have experience in. 

Today

Baby brother found my phone today. Little sister said "ness! He has your phone!!" When I walked over to him he was looking at my lock screen (picture of Ember) saying "baby" then he brought the phone up to his lips and gently kissed the screen. Then he carried my phone around for a while looking at "the baby". 

It felt as if she was real to him and it made me happy. 

Later I was going to post a picture on Facebook of my latest sewing project but after seeing all the posts of all the different babies (not to discourage people from posting because I'm happy for those people that can and are posting pictures of their babies or call any certain person out cause there were lots of different people posting) I realized how lame a new craft was in comparison and how much more I'd rather be posting pictures of my baby too. 

I'm almost bitter at the "free time" I have to; learn to sew, do crafts, remodel a house, etc. because that's time that SHOULD (in a fair world) be spent on my brand new baby. 

But that's not what was supposed to happen in my life... My days are open, my arms are empty, my nights are sleepless and restless, and my heart is broken. 

I really am not trying to make anyone stop posting pictures of their baby, or make anyone "feel sorry for me" I'm just getting off my chest what I'm going through today. 

Husbands day off

Today we woke up and felt like it was going to be a good day. We watched a few episodes of our current favorite tv show then headed out to use some gift cards we received as moving away gifts. We ate lunch at Red Lobster (crab bisque yum) and buy some things for our bathroom at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. 

When we got home we finished our 

kitchen wall (I've been procrastinating the ombré wall even though it's the coolest wall!) 

(Pay no attention to our door frame, or lack thereof). 

Then I finished my curtains! 

And we painted our closet 

(Leftover paints and washi tape to make it funky) 

So it was a great, fun, productive day :) 

3 people text me today and told me they prayed for husband and I this morning and you know what? Prayer works :) 

Just a day

It's really unfair of me to only blog when I'm going through a rough day or have experienced a new sadness, but in reality my days that are"good" are pretty boring. 

 

Our bathroom is finished and I even unpacked our boxes into it! Whew that took me forever! We finished our last coat of living room paint!  Those things are done now so I can rest well tonight feeling pretty accomplished. 

Tomorrow starts "real" school, not just "getting in the groove". We (little sister and I) agreed upon a weekly theme that we pick a month at a time. First we do our "regular school" which is spelling, math etc. then we get to do the "fun stuff" This week is science experiment week. We both love science and though the experiments will be simple I'm sure we'll have fun. Next week is baking/cooking. 

Meeting new people and trying to be friendly is hard I've decided. I've never been very good at meeting new people then you throw in grief and its like psh, whatever. I need to take things slowly. I realize it's not good to get stuck, so I'll try to avoid that but...At the same time it's ok to take my time. Tricky balance. 

See, I told you. Boring.

:) 

A new perspective

Since I started this blog I kinda figured it was about 1-me releasing things to the world. 2-connecting with others like me. 3-helping people we've moved away from know what's going on.

Today I got a message from a friend that gave me another perspective. She said something along the lines of...thank you for being honest and open, helping me to know how to pray for you AND to have a greater understanding of what you and others in your situation are going through... I thought, "hey that's cool. Not only is this helping her know how to pray and help me but she is also able to apply it to others when the time comes." 

So I thought I'd just say, if you know of someone (a friend, aunt, grandma etc) who wants to know what their bereaved mama feels like so they can better minister to them by all means share my blog with them.

 Not that every one grieves the same way because they most certainly don't. But because mamas who loose their babies often go through similar things.  Things like:

-Freaking out that the house is gonna burn down and all tangible memories will be lost (which is why I got a fireproof box)

-worry about their spouses life being taken away 

-every car is out to get you and wreck into you

-keeping something that reminds you of your baby on you at all times

Just to name a few. 

Eventually I want to blog about some of the other things in more detail that I (and I know other mamas whom have lost) worry or think about. 

Anyway, it's just a thought I had today and I was encouraged at the thought of other people who haven't directly lost know how to help someone they care about. 

Rough night

Warning: my goal with this blog was to be honest and real with you and tonight I have a lot of honesty and realness to get out. 

Tonight we went to a support group (for people who have lost babies). It did quite a lot in this broken heart of mine. 

It awoken anger that I've been dealing with, anger that there were 30 ish people in this circle who were all hurting like me. Anger that these kinds of groups even have to exist, anger that I was one of the group, anger that I couldn't even say my name or my baby's name without crying, anger that I was too heart broken to speak. Anger that I'll never have a blissful pregnancy. Anger that people take for granted their pregnancies and babies. Anger that people kill their babies.

It awoken fear. Fear that it can and does happen to some more than once. Fear that if/when we have a live baby all these emotions will come flooding back. 

I cried, I laughed, I missed my baby, I was thankful for others willing to share their stories, thankful that people don't crawl inside a hole after something devastating happens but instead reach out and love on others going through the same thing. 

On the way home I wouldn't even talk to husband about the meeting. In my head I was going through all the reasons I was angry, then a song came on that I sang when I was pregnant. I thought about the words back then and thought "wow, do you really mean these words?" And tonight as I was singing it again I thought "wether I meant them or not they happened" ..."take my hopes, my dreams, my family... They're all yours God".

 I cling so tightly to my husband ever since we lost our baby. Some days it's hard to even let him go to work because something could happen while I'm not with him. I know a lot of you won't understand that fear but it's very real for me. I don't want him taken away too. 

These are my feelings right now. I am angry. And that's ok. It's part of grief. 

I have a lot to work through and like I've had to do so many times in the past two and a half months I have to take things a day at a time. 

 

More like home less like a fixer upper

We've made some good progress lately,  or at least I feel that way. This house is starting to feel more like a home. Not necessarily our home because due to all the "fixing up" it's much easier to keep things packed away. Any day now though I should be able to unpack things into my kitchen and the guest bathroom until our master bath is done. 

I'm so thankful for my parents because we wouldn't be able to have home cooked food if we were doing this process alone. 

I've decided to update you all on what it looks like so here goes...

Living room walls are neutral to balance out all my colors. 

Kitchen meet living room. 

Kitchen you are my favorite.

Bathroom still in progress. 

Anyway... I am starting to really like this house and I can't wait to unpack and really live life here :)

Today was a good day, I like when husband has the day off even if it is during the week instead of weekends. 

Oh and best news for last... Our apt. in Wi. rented out! Praise The Lord for that burden lifted!!!! 

First day of school!

Today we started school. As most of you know I'll be homeschooling my 9 year old sister this year and we're both excited about it (I think mom's excited too, for a little break after doing it for 20 years). Mostly it was just getting adjusted, organizing things, and getting "into the groove". 

Also baby brother is showing DEFINITE signs of potty training at 18 months all on his own! So he and I are working on that. I'm feeling very grateful for all this busy work. 

Today at the library baby brother was playing with some other kiddos his age and all the moms/grandmas were talking about what ages what kid started doing what and I started tearing up knowing I'll never be able to talk about my baby and her accomplishments. But I am thankful for baby brother and how much fun it is too watch him learn new things EVERYDAY. He's amazing, and I don't think I'm just being biased... Well maybe a little. 

Side note:

I'm getting sick of painting. I hope to knock most of it out tomorrow. Tuesday is husbands new Saturday so we'll get a lot done tomorrow if all goes as I plan in my head, which rarely do things go as I plan but we'll see. 

Sneak Attack

Today I experienced a sneak attack. This happens from time to time and from what I've read and heard of its common. Certain things set you off, make a good day nose dive into the sea of emotions surrounding you. I had one this morning. 

We went to church, I was in a fine mood and felt like it would be a Good day (this to me means less emotional), Until we were asked to fill out a card so the church could know more about us (our names etc.) then at the very end it asked Children's names (and birthdays)...How do we answer that? This is something we hadn't discussed, and during worship wasn't the time. The rest of service it was left blank until the end right before we had to give it back. I thought about not turning the card in, sticking it in my Bible and pretending we never filled it out. I thought about turning it in without our baby's name on it, after all she isn't "ours" any longer. Then with seconds to spare I wrote her beautiful name, Ember, followed by her earthly date of birth. I couldn't leave her out. After all she was OUR baby, our child and she does deserve the honor of being mentioned. 

It broke my heart. 

I knew the time would come, I know more times will come when we'll be asked "do you have kids?" Or "when will you guys start having kids?" And I imagine my answer will greatly depend on my strength that day. 

Luckily this happened right at the end of church so I quickly went and sat in the car to hide my tears. My baby, how could we deny her at least the mention of her name?  Someone that spent 7 short yet impactful months with us. 

It's hard when something catches you off guard like that, puts you in an awkward place. 

There's no way to prepare for some of the things mamas like me have to come up against, and there certainly is no way of knowing ahead of time how we'll react. It stinks, it really does and to be honest I hate it. Not even I know how I'll react to something so little to the majority of the world yet to me so important. I don't like not knowing how I'll react at any given time but that's just where I'm at right now. Maybe down the road there will be more stability and predictions to how I'll handle things but for now I have to walk lightly, waiting for another sneak attack to catch me off guard. 

I'm happy to say my day turned around and I still had a "good day". We got quite a bit done at the house, Husband and I went on a lovely date and then watched Thor with my family. 

I am blessed. 

Rainbows

Today I was driving through an insane rainstorm, over a bridge that's crosses a lake. So basically I was surrounded by water. I'm extra paranoid these days and I was positive I was going to fall off the bridge to my sure death. Plus I was driving my dads truck which makes me ten times more paranoid because I don't want to wreck that beautiful thing! Anyway it was a stressful bridge crossing, then all of a sudden it stopped completely and was fine. The last bit of the bridge was completely dry and as I was waiting to turn an a stop light right in front of me formed a beautiful full rainbow! I could see the bottom of it even (I looked for gold but alas it must have been on the other end). I was ok with no gold though because I loved the symbolism I drew from it. Hope that after a scary stretch of stormyness comes beauty. Hope that God will show Himself to me if I've lost sight of Him. Hope, just hope is enough. 

Rainbows have started to mean so much more to me than they did previously. I've talked about them a lot on Facebook and God has been gracious to me in showing me at least one a week ever since my baby left my body. I'm grateful for them. In my head they connect me to her a little bit, my little symbol that Gods got her but He's also watching out for me and letting me know it'll be alright. 

Hope. 

Looking back

Ever since our baby left us looking at pictures of my past is not the same. I look at myself years, months, even days before that day and think to myself "oh you poor girl, so happy and naive" or "you have no idea how your life will change". That's the thing about death, often it just blindsides you and your world is shaken. 

One of the hardest things for me is looking back and realizing I'll never be that carefree person, that innocent girl who's whole heart is intact. I'll never be her again because, I'll never have my whole heart back and I'll never be naive to the fact that babies do sometimes die before you're ready. Of course I KNEW that it happened, that babies died, but now that it's happened to me I realize it happens a lot more than the average person realizes, or at least then I realized. I don't know how to gracefully inform people (the kind of person that I used to be) that no it doesn't just happen to THOSE people, it can happen to ANYBODY. It's scary, but I think I'd like to find a way to help people not skip the chapter in their pregnancy book "when you come home empty handed". I skipped those chapters, cause guess what, that wasn't going to happen to me... I did things right, I was in touch with my body, I ate well, I was well informed and confident in my body. we read to our baby all the time, talked to her, embraced her... I did things right, I was healthy I didn't need those chapters. Oh sweet Vanessa of 2 months ago... If you only knew what was in front of you.

New home

Tonight marks a beginning for us. The beginning of living in Texas. Sure we've been here a few weeks now but up until tonight we have lived with my family and as a result we both felt like this was maybe just a vacation. Nope, it's not, it's real life! 

I love paint. Paint can turn ugly, plain, boring rooms into a place that makes me happy just to be in. We picked green for our bedroom because supposedly green is the color that brings happiness. 

This house still needs a lot of work but that is part of the reason we wanted it. Distraction, something to work on, keep our minds busy, and it doesn't hurt that I can let my creativity run wild. "Homes are for free expressions, not good impressions". 

I had my first ever sewing (machine) lesson today and started some cafe curtains for my kitchen. I would have finished them but I didn't measure my window... Duh. ⬇

Anyway, I'm very excited to hang them up when I'm done! I've always wanted to learn how to sew and I'm eager to make lots of things already! Now, what box is my sewing machine packed in?? 

Milestones

Well, I missed another one. It's been two months and two days and I didn't even think about her "two month" on the 5th. I'm not sure why they pass me by. I feel a little guilty afterwards. 
Today I downloaded the "lilypie" ticker to keep track of how long we've been without her and only then did I realize that I missed it. 
I think subconsciously I remember because I always get really angry and sad right around the significant day(s). 
We have been pretty busy, getting our house ready to move into, Husband getting a job and getting used to that new, crazy, different, schedule, and I have been getting things ready to teach my little sister. But it's still sad to me that I'm forgetting such things. 
A friend on Facebook shared this verse tonight just when I needed it "God makes all things beautiful in His own time." Ecclesiastes 3:11. It's hard for me to think of my situation as beautiful, but I do believe I've already had moments of seeing beauty in these ashes.