Courage

 I've been avoiding this post for a long time now but I don't think I can avoid it much longer.

Scanning Pinterest, trying to unwind from my week, I saw this. 

And I thought to myself "this needs to be my motto". Then I decided to look up courage for the EXACT definition...

cour·age

ˈkərij/

noun

noun: courage

1. the ability to do something that frightens one.

   "she called on all her courage to face the ordeal"

   • strength in the face of pain or grief.

     "he fought his illness with great courage"

     synonyms:

     bravery, courageousness, pluck, pluckiness, valor, fearlessness, intrepidity, nerve, daring, audacity, boldness, grit, true grit, hardihood, heroism, gallantry;  informalguts, spunk, moxie, cojones, balls "the courage of firefighters is just awesome"

     antonyms:

     cowardice

     
     

     "Strength in the face of pain or grief."

     "The ability to do something that frightens one."

     
     

     Yup, this will be my motto 

     for the next 5 months (and probably long after).

     See, I didn't intend on sharing this news on social media because of the heart break that this type of news has caused me over and over and over again. I don't know how many people (including people dearest to my heart) I have "unfollowed" on social media because I can't handle this news. 

     And the LAST thing I want to do is cause that pain to someone else...even though I know from experience it's not ME causing the pain. So with tears in my eyes and a humble spirit I ask you to forgive me if my news hurts you like I've been hurt before. That's not my intent.

      My intent is to let you all in on the continuation of my path that started with Ember. I suppose I can't involve you all for two years of grief and not include you on the rest of my journey.  

     Nothing is for sure, I don't EVER count my chickens (or eggs?) before they hatch anymore because I KNOW that "plans" can change in an instant. But what I also know is I have a miracle happening inside me... And whether that miracle lives on earth or gets to bypass this sinful/broken/hurtful earth and go straight to heaven I need to enjoy every moment I have. And rejoice in the fact that I get to have a life in me again after 2 years of infertility.

     This is a scary, nerve wracking path I'm on. I still deal with grief often and I anticipate that for the rest of my life. This is not my first baby.

     I've been here before... And I know what can happen. People tell me all the time this time it will be different but... My due date is only weeks apart and many don't know what can happen like I do. God doesn't promise healthy living babies.

      

     So now you know. I'm 16 weeks along and soon we will know if this baby has what Ember had. 

     I'd appreciate it if you would not give me fluffy words and if you not ask many questions. I'll share what I want to share as I have the strength to. 

     ❤️

     P.S if this news hurts you try to remember, I know that pain and I completely understand if you "unfollow" me. Take care of you. ❤️

Bitter

The other day my brother and I went to see our friends do a show.

On the drive home he played a song called "Bitter" and all the words were hitting a nerve deep within me but this line has stuck with me since... 

"Sometimes things just happen in life that don't make any sense, but, bitterness is a choice" 

See, I've been dealing with bitterness for a large portion of my sailing in the ocean of grief. I don't really know when I started  letting bitterness  steer me but it's been a struggle to not let it just take over completely. 

Bitterness is a choice...

It's so much easier for me to be bitter than it is for me to find the positive and growth. 

It's a struggle trying to take back over the battle between bitterness and joy... I know it's a long road but this song gives me a bit of gumption to try... 

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/andymineo/bitter.html