Struggles

It's such a struggle trying to figure out where you fit in when your baby isn't with you, [most] everyone around you has kids, and it seems like you may never have a living child. 

It's hard when, your whole adult (16+) life you've wanted to be a midwife/doula/birth photographer/birth advocate and yet here you stand unable to even THINK about helping a woman through a live birth. 

It's crazy when you used to be the person that held a newborn any chance you got, and now it's been over two years since you've held a baby. 

It's frustrating when you have ALL of this experience with children from newborn all the way up to teens... All these great plans and dreams for "how your family will be" and yet your family consists of, no children.

People say "you'll have kids"

People say "You're young"

People say "there's time"

People say "it'll be ok"

People say...

I don't believe it, I mean I believe it will be ok, I'm already experiencing more and more "ok" as time goes on... But sometimes 2 years feels like an eternity. Sometimes it feels like you only get a few chances. Sometimes it feels like, nope. 

Grief for a newly grieving mama

It's hard to think of words to say to a mama who has lost her baby. And I've been there so you'd think that I would have some magic, cure all words. But here's the thing...there are miscarriages, still birth, complications after birth, SIDS, and so many different types of ways to lose a baby.  Not to mention there are mamas who have known for part or most of their pregnancy that they may lose their baby. There are people like me who are completely surprised to lose their baby. 

There are mamas who have awesome support whether it's their husbands, their family, their friends, or their church. And sadly there are mamas that have to do it all alone. There are mamas with no other kids. There are mamas that have already lost kids. There are mamas that have kids at home and have to help them also grieve. 

So many scenarios (and some that I'm not mentioning I'm sure). Throw in religion, beliefs, background, personalities, life experiences, and life situations... that how could there be an answer that is a perfect puzzle piece fit?The thing about greif is, there's no way for you to possibly know how someone is feeling. Even my husband and I who have the same story, have different grief. Sometimes things you say, even with the best intentions, hurt. 

 One thing that I hope people will get from this is that we need to help grieving people realize that their grief is their own and that may not look like anybody else's. 

That if they need to have their baby's blanket with them in their purse for the next month or year that's okay.  

That if they can't leave the house without something that reminds them of their baby that they lost, that's okay too they're not crazy. 

That if suddenly driving to the grocery store is more terrifying than you ever thought it could be... That's normal.

That if they need their husband to call or text as soon as he gets where he's going so you know he's safe... Normal too. 

Things will probably never get easier but they will get manageable...you will learn to navigate your own ocean of grief and know how to handle when the waves are crashing over you and know how to take advantage of the stillness in between the swells. 

That is a combination of things said to be that I found to be the most helpful in MY situation at the time they were said. 

Also, try not to forget the important dates for the grieving mama. I have found even a simple text or picture of something that reminds you of their situation is greatly appreciated. 

I guess it all boils down to... Try not to relate, instead listen, love, and say [do] what your heart (or the Holy Spirit, if you're a believer) leads you. 

Grief is hard, people... Losing a baby is hard. Expect hurricanes and tidal waves in the ocean of greif and enjoy the calm whenever it comes (for however long it lasts). 

After

Sometime who you become, after a major life event, sucks. Sometimes people around you, after a major life event, suck. 

I keep having a flash back lately (probably because it happened almost exactly two years ago) days after I went through a stillbirth I was at Walmart with my mom and a lady stops me, of all people, and says "will you lift this for me, I'm newly pregnant and I shouldn't lift heavy things" I could have punched her... I had just given birth and shouldn't be lifting heavy things either, but of course she didn't know that. Luckily my mom was with me and I didn't even have to talk to that lady or look at her. I still have horrible feelings towards that woman... 

Becoming such a fragile person, after being a somewhat tough person, is very hard to do. Sometimes I hate the person I've become. Sometimes I just hate the situation. Like when people have to go through my husband to figure out how to handle me (guess what stillbirth dads have emotions too). Or how people have to tip toe around me. Or how some people I just can't make myself even be fake friendly to... It's not fair. Not to me, not to the other people, not to my husband.

But what's the solution? Is there one? 

Today two years ago, we said our final goodbyes to our baby girl. We had a lovely little service for her and many people came showing their love and support. 

I can't believe it's been two years... 

Big life things are happening in our life...things that are exciting but don't quite compare to what my life was like before and definitely no where near where I thought they would be. 

"Memories"

It's strange to use the Facebook "memories" or "on this day" app. Crazy to see how one year a day could be a perfectly happy day and the next one of the hardest days of your life.

I was induced today, 3 years ago. 

4 years ago my roommates and I were serenaded by the boys of the house up the hill. 

Looking back is strange thinking of myself then. Having the time of my life, engaged to a great guy, planning a beautiful wedding, not suspecting at all that exactly a year later I would be broken completely. 

And then 1 year ago my wonderful nana passed away. I think of her so fondly. So many memories that include her. I'm so thankful for a nana that loved me so and was such a big part of my childhood and even into my adult life. 

Just reflections to ponder... One day can hold so many memories. 

2 years

It's strange when you don't really know how to feel. Today is 2 years since we heard "there's no heart beat" and yesterday (her baby shower anniversary) was harder than today. As time passes I don't know how to feel... Sad? yes. Mad? Often. Happy? I try. 

I don't want to MAKE myself sad today if I didn't wake up that way but also I feel I'm being too calloused if I'm not sad. 

Ah ha, there come the tears... 

This day, 2 years ago changed my life and me personally, as a human, forever. Much more sadness (though I've always been a somewhat pessimist), much more rawness. I don't care as much what people think of me any more. I look at people who have lost...differently. I look at people who haven't lost...differently. Basically I look at life and the whole world around me.. differently. 

Not all of those changes are bad things, though sometimes I feel like my life after is just pretty much dumb. In everything I do nothing seems to hold a flame to being a mom to Ember. What I should be doing is raising a toddler but instead I'm doing ______(whatever it is that I'm doing). 

It's still hard being around infants and kids that would be her age. I suspect I will always look at them and wonder what she would be like.

God allowed this to happen for a reason, though I may never know why, I have to trust. I have to believe that it was for a greater purpose. maybe someday I will have the courage to help hurting mamas, like so many hurt mamas before me, have helped me. But for now I just do the best that I can do to occupy my time and thoughts with meaningful things.... missing her always ❤️