Reflection

Lately I've been uninspired by the project headlines. I have, however, been doing some of my own reflection and I've learned that, I like the person my baby's life has turned me into (for the most part, more about that later).

The Lord has taken this event and changed me in ways I didn't even realize I could be changed. I'm aware I have a long way to go and who knows in a couple weeks I could be very unhappy with the person I'm becoming. But right now I'm pleased. 

I appreciate people more (though I still do a poor job showing it). 

I appreciate God more and notice more of the "little things". 

I have compassion (sometimes more than others). 

If we go on to have living children I [think] I will slow down and show them the little things more. 

I'm more open to different future possibilities. Before my dream (and therefore concrete plan) was to be a mom and have children. Now I realize that's not the only dream/plan available to me. 

The list goes on. 

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There are things I want to work on and that is my fear and anxiety. Though I struggled with them before Ember the problem has increased. since I've become a "statistic" I realize that I can't and won't always be the "normal/average/chances are everything will be fine" person. At some point everyone, in some way, is the "minority/rarely/statistic that scares you" person. And that's just life here on earth. 

To live [or to die] will be an awfully big adventure (To paraphrase Peter Pan). And I am certainly glad that on this adventure I have my family, friends and most of all an Unchanging God. 

Day 23-jewelry

I have been blessed with lots of tokens to wear in Ember's memory/honor. 

I always have something on me that signifies her. The hospital also gave Neva tiny ring that was still huge on her little fingers that she wore for pictures (Not pictured above). 

Also the clothes that everyone was wearing the day she was born I have memorized. Whenever they wear them I think of her. Maybe I'll ask for them and make a quilt out of them if we have another baby in the future.., 

Day 20-hope

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name. On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand" 

I'm not even sure what to hope for but I know Jesus has it under control. 

Day 19

Support 

I have been blessed to have so much support from so many people. 

My husband has been such a support to me every step of the way, every tear, every doubt. 

I'm blessed to have a husband like him. 

17/18

Day 17 time 

It has been over 4 months since our baby left this world and while 4 months is not that long, in some ways it feels like an eternity. 

Day 18- release 

I'd really like to start letting go of the fear I have now. I know it's a trust thing and I'm working on it every day (trusting God). 

Some additional thoughts. 

Today while we were at the bank our banker asked us about our matching bracelets (first time someone's inquired about them) and husband told her they were for our baby girl that we lost. She grabbed my hand and asked all about her and we talked about lots of things and she cried with me. It was very sweet of her. She told us she'd be praying and if we needed anything she'd take care if us. Such a sweet encounter with a random (pretty sure Christian) woman. 

I also realized today that I like pink so much more nowadays remembering my baby girl that, had she been born alive, probably wouldn't have worn pink that often at all. 

Day 16- seasons

We found out I was pregnant late last fall. I carried our baby through winter and spring we spent our first married summer grieving. 

We haven't had many holidays without her yet. I'm sure they'll be hard though since all our dreams and plans included baby's first ______. 

Day 15- remember

I just unpacked my personal journal that I kept up with very poorly in my transition from Singleness to married. My last entry was 3-20-13 and part of my entry said 

"This baby needs a strong mom, I am not strong." Referring to that hormonal/emotional transitional time in my life and how I felt spiritually.

Thank you, Ember, for showing me my strength. For showing me there's strength in weakness, strength in letting others care for you. Thank you for helping me realize so much more than I ever did before that I need Jesus. 

Your daddy and I are lighting a candle tonight to remember you. It's the candle that we got in your special box in the hospital. we haven't lit it yet, today will be the first time. 

You have shown us so much and grown us in such strange ways that I never anticipated growing in. We miss you every day but know that you're happy and just where you're supposed to be. Love you, our spark burning low. 

Remembering Ember Rose (in Texas) 

Day 14- family

Day 14-Family 

Our family now is us. Husband and I. Some day maybe God will bless us with more to add to our earthly "us" but we are figuring out our life as a couple again after months of planning and rearranging for our baby and becoming a family. 

Last night we got out Embers things and I looked at her pictures because I felt like I was forgetting who she was... It's hard sometimes to find a balance. Going too long without looking through her stuff makes me feel guilty but looking through her stuff brings back a flood of emotions that I can't handle every day... 

I miss her. 

I wonder what she'd be like about 2 1/2 months old. 

Would it be going as I planned? 

What things would be hard for me? 

How would our family be different? 

Life is a vapor, a mist, so easily taken for granted. 

(That's not a picture from today, I didn't feel like photographing myself today) 

Day 13- books

The one book I actually finished is still packed so I can't take a picture of it. The title is I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. Mostly I found books about stillbirth or infant loss to be too sad in a time of my own sadness. Eventually I'll get them back out again and read them more. 

This is my smash book of memories of my pregnancy that I'm putting together. That's painful to do sometimes too so I haven't worked on it much... 

Day 10-11

Day 10 was Belief

I believe in Jesus. I believe in The Holy Bible. I believe in heaven and hell. I believe that Ember is in heaven with Jesus. 

One day I will go be with Jesus and Ember. I know that Jesus made it possible for a sinner like me to spend eternity there (in heaven) and for that I am eternally thankful. 

Day 11-emotional triggers 

Oddly enough I had one tonight... 

Husband took me out to dinner and I thought about how four months ago I was looking forward thinking "soon it will never be just "us" it will be us and baby" thinking date nights would be different, alone time would be scarce. 

I felt guilty tonight, for selfishly thinking about that then, but how would I have known... 

Other triggers are babies her "should be" age, baby things in general, pregnant bellies... I have a lot of triggers sometimes they pull sometimes they're fine it's hard to know when they'll go off.  

Day 9- song

When I was pregnant with Ember "Just Give Me A Reason" by Pink featuring Nate Ruess was SUPER over played but I liked it just the same... I kind of thought of it as our song just cause I (and therefore we [Ember and I]) would jam out to it in the car after dropping Husband off at work. 

After Ember died I started kind of making up my own meaning and interpretation to the song. 

I wanted a reason as to why this pain was happening even if it was just a glimpse of Gods purpose. 

My body and my heart weren't broken just bent and in the future maybe I could learn to love another pregnancy and baby again. It's in the stars (I take this to mean God in heaven has it under control and written in his plan). It's been written on the scars in my heart... Ember will always be on my heart but some day I hope to love again. Not in place of, just again. 

I realize this is quite a stretch to such an obvious song about a completely different situation but for some reason this is what comes to me... Odd but true. 

Day 8- color

Ember's color is dark, bright pink. I never thought I'd be such a pink fan for a baby girl but right away I knew it couldn't be soft pink representing her she was far too  tough for that, too much fight in her. So fuchsia it was and I think it's perfect for her. Her uncle (my brother) bought me these roses after she died

 They were perfect, baby fuchsia roses. 

Day 7

7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

Everyday is different, but I do feel as if I've come a long way. Though it's only been 4 months I feel as if it's been an eternity. 

If I'm going to be honest (which I told you I would) I wrestle with body image. I know most women do, but this is a new different kind than before. 

How do I answer the last question? That's so complicated. My heart is heavy for my husband and I as we're the ones left here to deal with sadness and grief. My heart is lighter that my baby girl's in a place with no pain or sadness. Sometimes I'm jealous that Ember never had to hear about sad/mean things in this life. Sometimes I'm sad that she'll never experience things here though such as: falling in love, sand on her toes or the taste of chocolate. But me being human can't fully grasp the pleasures of Heaven and all she's experiencing there. 

So how do I answer the last question? I don't know. 

A picture to show where I am in my grief now? 

Slowly trudging along (upside down sometimes apparently) determined to get somewhere even though it takes time. Baby steps (or what ever it is that snails do besides step) 

Day 6- rituals

I sleep with this baby blanket by me every night. 

We look through her fireproof box when we need to.

We have a shelf of Ember things hanging in our living room. 

As the milestones and years continue we hope to have balloon releases every born to earth birth days and incorporate something Ember into family photos. 

It still hasn't been long enough to have started many rituals but I'm sure some will develop as we go.  

Day 5-memory

Wow--day 5 happens to be Embers 4 month milestone and the local walk to remember pregnancy/infant loss and balloon release. A lot going on in one day. My sweet husband bought me this amazing picture today---

(Not my picture of the day) 

There was so much going on at the walk I had a hard time actually being very emotional which is ok with me, I don't like being emotional in front of so many strangers. 

Day 5 is Memory... And honestly the first thing I think of when I think of my baby is- her sweet movements and life inside of me. I loved feeling her move, knowing she was there growing inside of me. I don't have a picture to go with today's "capture your grief" so I'll use an old belly pic 

I do love and treasure those memories. 

Day 4-Legacy

Ember is and always will be: 

Our first baby

My parents first grandchild 

She helped me to see others love 

She helped me to have more empathy and compassion for mamas and daddy's who have walked a similar path 

She gave her daddy and I a desire to come along side grieving parents in the future, to be what we've been so blessed to have in our grief

She made me a mama 

Day 3- myths about grief

I've heard many times in many different ways "You'll never get over it, it never gets better" etc. right after it happened and I was in the deepest part of grief, that wasn't helpful to me. To me that meant I'd always feel the way I did just then.  I realize that is a miscommunication that what people are trying to say is "she'll never be replaced" or "you'll miss her always" but when you can hardly get through a day without sobbing or when you can't imagine going through tomorrow the way you feel today (like I did at first) getting through weeks or days without sobbing IS better asking a friend about her baby IS better. 

I do have a hope, a faith, and a trust in The Lord. Without those I'm not sure where I'd be in my walk of grief. 

I have rough days, I still can't look at babies very long, or talk about them much. But it's getting better. 

Identity

2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

Ember Rose was chosen before I was ever even in a relationship. Luckily Husband liked it too. My middle name is Rose (after my nana) and I wanted that continued. 

Ember means just what an ember is a spark burning low. I was hesitant when I was pregnant (before we knew if she was a boy or girl) that a daughter named Ember might be a rambunctious spit fire of a child. Little did I know Ember meant my little baby was a spark burning low, fighting for life from around 3 weeks on.

She was born June 5th, this year about 3 days after her body stopped. She was born breech, in a hospital completely opposite of what I ever imagined in a birth story for me. 2lbs 10ozs 12 3/4 inches long.

She looked exactly like her daddy, in fact watching her dad sleep now sometimes reminds me of her. I'm still obsessed with her button nose. 

She hated chicken but loved BBQ and soup. She had a personality that husband and I knew very well. We keep a lot of her memories stored up for just us three. She was ours for 7 months but the memories are ours forever. 

October

October is Stillbirth/infant loss awareness month and I so wanted to participate in a photo a day through grief challenge but the first one was sunrise and I completely forgot today was October 1st! At sunrise I was still deeply sleeping soooo I guess I'll skip that one and start tomorrow. I did wear my Ember's pendant plus the other things I wear all the time in her honor. And I'm hoping to get to the craft store and buy some supplies to make pink and blue para cord bracelets for the whole family to wear this month.

Hoping I can remember to keep up with this photo challenge!