Made it!

First Christmas dealing with grief and we made it through! 

We stayed the night at my parents house and all of us kids pulled out mattresses/sleeping bags and had a huge camp out (so we can all wake up at the same time) like we have every year for as long as I can remember. I'm grateful Husband doesn't think it's weird and participates in our tradition :) 

We had a great day. 

I didn't come up with anything special to do for Ember... But I will work on ideas for next year. 

I'm reassured so often that we made the right choice moving when we did. I'm thankful to be around my family. 

Thank you for your goodness to us, God! We are blessed. 

Ember's first Christmas ornament

Yay! Today it finally came!

With our baby registry we got a shutterfly gift card (for birth announcement or baby shower invites) but since I couldn't use it that way I chose to make a shutterfly Christmas ornament. Her first, and likely, only ornament. 

I was nervous it wouldn't make it on time but it came today! In time to put on the tree. 

Baby's first Christmas, in heaven with the one we celebrate today. 

Miss you, baby girl. Merry Christmas!

Xo

It's been awhile

It's been awhile. Holidays, little sisters birthday, and crafting has taken up a lot of my time lately (and all the available episodes of Alaska the Last Frontier on Netflix). I have been denying my self time to grieve by pushing it aside or distracting myself with other things. Well, I fear that recently it's catching up with me (probably doesn't help that I have a cold and can't sleep well). 

I miss my baby. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm fearful. 

I'm sad when I realize I'm not sad and sometimes I'm sad about being sad. I think sometimes I worry that if I'm not sad that means I'm forgetting Ember, or "getting over" her and that breaks my heart. Though I know it's not true, I know I'll always remember her and have a place for her...it saddens me that I go more and more days with being ok or not dwelling on losing her. 

This time last year Husband and I were secretly planning how next year would be our baby's first Christmas. And yet, here we find ourselves at Christmas time and no baby's first Christmas.

Socially awkward

Today I realized I now fit into the socially awkward group (if I didn't already before). I found myself in a situation meeting/talking to new people and I was terrified questions were going to lead to the "do you have children?" Category.. I've read that most people in my situation just take it as it comes and decide in the moment how they will answer. I almost started crying just THINKING about answering EITHER way. Lucky for me it didn't come up but I worry that in the process I came across as rude/stuck up/snobby/uninterested/ etc... 

I don't want to purposefully not claim my baby but I don't want to cry (or come across cold and uninterested) in front of strangers all the time either. What a strange, new place in life for me. 

On the other hand, my baby brother has only been told Embers name a handful of times, but he now has it memorized and recognizes her face in pictures (or my lock screen, that he so often kisses). I love that he loves her so. 

Half a year...

I can't believe it's been 6 months since our baby went to heaven. 

We remembered her tonight decorating her a personal little tree only 2 feet tall! With tiny pink ornaments, tiny pink garland, and a tiny pink tree topper (and normal size pink lights). 

Mama decorating

Daddy decorating

Finished and wrapped in a doily made by my grandma. 

~Wish you were with us, baby. 

Xo 

Ember's nest

Today we bought our Christmas tree! When Husband was unloading it from the truck he found a perfect little pine needle nest! 

It's very fragile but I'm going to try and preserve it and make it stronger. 

I initially thought "cool Montessori work!" But then thought wait a minute... It's an empty nest... In our first Christmas without Ember... It's Embers nest! So I'm going to try and preserve it best as I can for Ember. 

Thanks, God, for little gifts/reminders of my baby.