The last time my body felt like this

The last time my body felt like this, I went home with empty arms. This time they're oh so full of love. 

The last time my body felt like this, I had no baby to give my milk. This time my body continues to amaze me as I provide nutrients to my baby.

The last time my body felt like this, sleep was my only relief. This time sleep is sparse but I don't even care. 

The last time my body felt like this, I longed to hear a cry. This time my baby's  cry is a continuous reminder, this baby is alive.

The last time my body felt like this, I felt betrayed by a broken body. This time I am thankful for the miracle that proves my body is just fine. 

The last time my body felt like this, the mirror reflected defeat. This time the mirror reflects hope. 

The last time my body felt like this the marks on my body reminded me of a battle fought with, mind, body, and soul. This time... Nothing's changed. 

(Tape residue and an IV stick wound)

The last time my body felt like this I mourned because my baby died. This time I rejoice because my baby is alive. 

We'll always miss you, Ember. 

Thank you

Today I got more baby love in the mail 😊❤️

Then I was reminded of this post that I've wanted to write for awhile now. A post giving my heartfelt "thank you" to everyone that has prayed for us, sent us gifts, given us gift cards, and expressed your love to us in different ways. We didn't have a "shower" this time, but we have most definitely been showered and it warms my heart. Even when I haven't been able to go to showers of other mamas or greet a newborn as easily as others, you have all shown grace to me and I am so thankful. 

This past weekend Husband took me out for dinner for my birthday and right behind him was a brand spankin' new baby. This was the first time in 3+ years that I've been able to look at a newborn and not be flooded with a cocktail of mixed emotions. 

3 years I've been dealing with loss and infertility and for the first time I'm feeling ok about babies and pregnant women. Now, I realize this is not an ideal way to handle what I've been through but the fact that you all have loved me through it amazes me. 

So thank you, all of you. Thank you for your excitement and thank you for your love. 

-Vanessa

Ps I'm aware that I'm not "in the clear" I know this baby could be taken from me at any moment because he's not mine he's Gods... But, that doesn't change the fact that I am thankful right now and wishing to express that ❤️