Achy heart

Grief is very odd right now...

I feel like I'm living in a two faced state of being... I smile, I laugh, I live life... But something inside always aches. Some days more than others. 

Today would be an achy breaky heart day. 

Something can easily trigger me.. A photo, a thread online, a story, etc And I'm back to square one. 

Here's the thing though, I don't even know if I will post this because, no I don't want to talk about it, and no I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't like being the person people have to tip toe around because you could hurt my feelings..

I really feel a sense of not belonging right now. I have babies but I don't have children... I should be a stay at home mommy. I should be teaching my 1 1/2 year old all the exciting things of life... 

Life is not at all going how I expected it to. 

It sucks. It's hard. It's not fair. 

And yet this is where I am. 

"Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain"

I hope some day I'll know why I'm in this "rain".

Remembering

It's very strange some days, for me at least, to think "I had a baby (speaking of Ember since I felt her move, heard her heart multiple times, and held her little self in my arms)". A lot of the time honestly it feels like maybe a movie I watched or a really well written book I read that made me feel part of it... Or maybe a dream. I struggle with selfish things at times too. For example "it would be easier to not remember" because honestly, some days go by and (though I never forget about Ember) I don't dwell on the fact she's not here. Yes it's hard when people catch you off guard with hurtful comments or painful questions. Yes it's sometimes hard when I hear of babies her (supposed to be) age and what they're accomplishing. But a lot of days pass with out sad memories, but then days when I'm expected to remember I actually sit back and re-live moments... Emotions... Horrible feelings and I think "maybe I don't want to remember".

But I will continue to participate in things to remember her, so others don't forget, so awareness is raised, so that her little life is continued to be meaningful.  

Perhaps there will come a Remembrance Day when I can think more about the positive memories... That's what I'll strive for.

Life is good...

...sometimes I forget that. Most the times actually. I find something to complain about, something to worry about, something to be angry about. In reality, my life isn't [that] bad.

Today it rained. No, it poured. It was beautiful. 

I journaled in my Bible. I enjoyed it.

I made my husband a treat because he's working so hard. Because I love him and he loves when I think of him.

Delicious smells are coming from my kitchen (Indian food). God showers us with many good gifts.

Life is good. 

Tomorrow I could forget it, but today I'm enjoying it.

Soul searching

I'm dealing with a lot of raw emotions again. I think, after soul searching, these emotions are coming from some hidden hope I had that "one year" would make a difference. And you know? It did in a lot of ways. I was able to nanny all summer which led to me being able to accept a full time job this school year (something I definitely didn't have strength for any sooner), I've made progress with being AROUND (still not holding) babies, and many other things. But these last few weeks I've started sliding back down hill at a fast pace. As I said before I think I've identified it to having high hopes of feeling better after a year... I guess it's going to take longer. 

Things aren't how I planned/hoped/dreamed they would be and you know, I don't think they ever will. I'm not saying that pessimistically I'm saying it realist-y. 

That realization doesn't help my (sometimes overwhelming) sadness. It just helps me realize I have a lot more work to do... Anger, disappointment, jealousy, bitterness, and sadness to work through. 

Add to all this, all the news of Christian persecution (nothing new I know but way more talked about lately), the continued battle for the end to murdering babies, and the sudden posts of suicide and depression... How does one find joy in such a dark and depressing world? 

Sometimes you don't feel like a city on a hill. 

Missing them

I'm always telling my little sister to be happy with what she has. Example, she says "I want to stay at my best friends house all day" to which I respond "you just spent all morning with her, be appreciative of what you have!"

Maybe I should start telling myself that and let my sister be a kid. 

One of my dear friends visited me this weekend and I find myself wanting ALL of my friend family back in Iowa. Selfish.

I want things when it's obviously not my time to have them. I'm not sure why I want them but I do.  

Why can't I be happy with what God has given me? 

Selfish.

I keep coming back to that quote something like "remember the things you have now are once things you wished you had" I can't remember how it goes and frankly I don't care enough right now to look up the quote. I'm trying to be thankful for what I have. Sometimes it's hard to be satisfied when it feels like so many people have what you want. 

Right now I miss my dear friends. Miss the relationships that we had pre-still birth. Miss the closeness that we all shared. The ability to just be us. 

Movie theaters

Tonight we went to a movie in the theater. Now I'll be honest with you, I have a slight fear of movie theaters (ever since the shooting in Colorado). I know most of you will just roll your eyes at me or say "that's dumb, do you know the chances of that happening to you?" Well guess what, it doesn't matter I still have a nervousness. Mix that in with not liking crowds, not liking to pay 9.75 or whatever a ticket costs these days, and the slight guilty feeling of wasting 2 hours watching a movie. 

Tonight, in our row, but the opposite side, a young guy had a seizure during the movie. At first of course no one knew what was going on and panic ensued. Someone jumped out of her seat and ran past us crying, someone jumped over a seat and then shortly someone yelled seizure and a nurse in the theater went over to help him while someone ran and got the cop on duty and others called 911. It was a very eventful probably 2-5 minutes of panic and unknown-ness (meanwhile the movie is still rolling and the lights are still dimmed). I sat by, unable to do anything feeling somewhat helpless and realized "I can Pray!" So that's what I did! 

The young man started relaxing and coming back to as the EMS got there and they wheeled him out, I'm pretty sure he'll be ok. 

What an eventful movie showing, I think I'm done with theaters. 

Life is beautiful

Why is it so hard for people to see the beauty in life? 

And furthermore how can people deny a Creator? 

I LOVE studying living things. I love marveling at how everything is perfectly CREATED to work in just a way that causes said living thing to live. 

From the life cycle of a worm to the development of a baby in utero it's all BEAUTIFUL and causes my heart to worship my God, The Creator of LIFE. I pray that you, dear reader, know and worship with me tonight the Creator of Beauty... The Creator of Life! 

Anxiously waiting for this beauty to appear! 

"Home"

I'm in Colorado for a SUPER short visit (my great grandmas memorial/celebration of her life lived on earth). 

I grew up in Colorado (southern for the first half of my childhood northern for the second half). It's been over two years since I've been back here (northern). 

I wasn't married last time I was here, actually my (now) husband was meeting my family for the first time! 

I LOVE Colorado. I always tell people geographically its the best place to live. But The strange thing is I don't think I'd ever live here again. There's less and less for me here. I moved almost 7 years ago and when I left I was leaving life as I knew it. My family, my best friends, my job, my church, the familiarity of roads, knowing where I was... Everything. Now I come back and there's almost nothing here except memories. 

My immediate family moved, my friends moved (or we fell apart), and now just a few family members live here. 

No one knows me here... 

Isn't life weird? 

I can't believe it's been so long since I moved.  A COMPLETELY different person drive off for college nearly 7 years ago. 

I think going through this last year has made me forget a lot of positive memories I had (which is sad to me) I'm trying to find some while I'm "home". 

Nostalgia sets in- yet I am thankful for where God has me now. 

Candid

*funny story* for the longest time I thought candid meant something along the lines of funny because of Candid Camera and I always thought that show was hilarious so I related the two--ha!

I'm dealing with anger, in a lot of ways. I need prayer because sometimes i don't know how to handle it, or process it. I have never been a very angry person really and I know anger goes with grief, I'm trying to handle it Biblically but I don't particularly like this underlying feeling...

I just miss the innocence of life before all this. Everything now feel dangerous, everything feels scary. I tend to see the bad more than the good, the what might be's not the what most likely will be's. 

I've also never been an optimist which has dropped from a realist to probably more of a pessimist. 

I then struggle with "Vanessa, your life has not even been THAT hard at all toughen up" to "Vanessa, process and handle these emotions they are what you're feeling." 

I appreciate the prayers of my praying friends, I know they've helped me in the past and trust they will help me now. I also appreciate bible verses you feel led to share with me. 

Xo

Angry

Today we walked by and through the baby section at Target. Most of the time I can tough through it...today I got mad and sad. 

A lot of the time I don't bother myself with "what would have been" because frankly it just isn't so why dwell on it? But today I saw the little girl swim suits and had a flash thought of my Ember splashing in the pool, how she'd probably love the water since I was a fish as a child. I got angry because so many people take simple things like buying their baby a swim suit for granted. I got angry because I will never buy Ember a swim suit. I got angry because the baby row at Target existed. 

Another happy Remembrance Day

Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a loss daddy. Mamas and daddy grieve very differently (even more different than the different grief from mama to mama) and I am not a man so I won't pretend to know how that feels. 

Even though it is a more silent grief (in our case anyway), I know my husband grieves. So this post is for him, other loss daddy's, and people who have lost their dad. 

Happy remembing day! My prayer is that it's not a negative day but a day filled with some of the happy memories you have with your loved one and/or hope for the future and thankfulness for life.

"Not all wounds are so obvious. walk gently in the lives of others." -unknown

Love to my dear husband 

And to anyone else that might need a little extra today. 

P.S-I would also like to acknowledge daddy's who have had their babies taken in the name of "woman's choice". I know many of you and though I don't have words to say, know that my prayers are with daddy's of all kinds today. 

1 year gone

Our day celebrating/remembering Ember was great. Lunch at Embers American Grille, fairy garden shopping, wish release, balloon release, and cake. Many loved ones celebrated/remembered with us and sent/tagged photos of the candles they burned. I'm so grateful for all the love people show us.

As the day comes to a close emotions start coming more to the surface. This morning I shed a few tears thinking about how there would be no traditional first cake free for all... No cake with the birthday girl pictures and no happy birthday songs. I just couldn't bring myself to allow happy birthday to be sing today. 

The rest of the day was tear free until now. 

I look back, I look forward and I'm not sure what I'm feeling. 

I think I set standards in my head that one year was my allotted time. Now it's time to use my experience and heart break to minister to others. I pray I can use my loss to reach people that can't be reached by others. So now it's time to start taking steps towards that. I hope I'm strong enough. 

If I could send a message to Ember it would go something like this. 

Baby Ember,

I hope in heaven there's some sort of entrance to heaven celebration. 1 year there, eternity to go! 

I sure do wish we could have celebrated your life here with us, although that's mighty selfish of me. 

I hope you know how loved you are/would have been here with all of us. 

There's no way we will ever forget you. Thank you for fighting so hard to stay with me the 7 months your little body could manage. Can't wait to meet you! 

Love you to the moon, 

Your Mama 

Wednesday last year

Wednesday last year was the 5th and so even though tomorrow will be the date we celebrate Embers little life on earth, today is the day that is bringing up emotions in me. 

Scared to let go-

Feeling watched-

Feeling scared-

Pressured to preform- 

Scared of seeing my baby-

Things I never planned on feeling in a delivery situation... Never thought I would be on the brinks of buckling under the pressure to have a c-section... But my pitocin levels were getting to the max and I "wasn't progressing" (even though, of course I was). 

Scared. 

Weak. 

Drained.

Pretty soon (if you've placed yourself back in time a year with me) my lovely midwife/doula will suggest a bath as a last resort before c-section. I'll slide into the bath and into another world. It's dark, I'm finally alone. It's quiet. I can do this. An hour later I'll have my baby before the midwife can properly glove up (ha, not progressing my tushy). 

Still too afraid to see my baby. Asking my mom for details..." What is it???" I ask, A girl! A beautiful girl" "Ember Rose, I say "her name is Ember Rose." my mom encourages me to see my "beautiful baby girl". Perfectly formed the way God intended. (Spitting image of her dad)... 

We spend "all the time we want" with her. We weren't pressured to leave ever but honestly how could hours ever be all the time we need?

Hellos.

Pictures.

Holdings.

Goodbyes.

My Nana (aka great grandma aka Rose) passed away yesterday. My daughter (Ember Rose, named after her) a year ago today (except really the 5th, for some reason the day in the week has been more impact-full in my memories than the "date"). How fitting that our family should honor and remember two such beautiful (polar opposites on the age range scale) souls in the same week. 

I love(d) them both...

<3

Memories of last year

A year ago today I stayed home from church to hang out with my mom, little sister, and baby brother because they were about to make the long trek home. Mom and I got to talking about the baby inside me and how I hadn't felt it much lately. Mom and I both tried to hear the baby's heart and I tried everything to get baby to move. I called my husband whom was at church and he got someone to fill his spot so he could take me to see our midwife just to make sure. I felt silly and like I was going to look like a paranoid first time mom. I prayed the whole way there (45 minute drive) that baby would move and we could call our midwife and cancel. We got to our midwife (she was helping with a class away from her office) so in a back room on the ground she tried to hear with a fetalscope, then with a Doppler. After quite a while she calmly said something like "we should go to the hospital and get an ultrasound, just because I can't find it doesn't mean bad news. Don't worry yet." She called the midwives at the hospital and we all 3 loaded into my car to drive to the hospital (Aaron Shust was playing in the background). We got to the hospital and they also tried to hear with a Doppler then a ultrasound. I'll never ever forget the feeling of hearing the words I so dreaded "I'm sorry, there's no heart beat". Husband and I fell into each others Arms. I remember calling out loud to God, asking Him "why?" and saying "please God no!". 

By Gods careful planing my mom was still in town and was with me as soon as she could be. That night and the days ahead feel like a dream, or a movie I was watching of someone else's life. Sometimes I still don't believe I really experienced it but I do have proof, however limited it may be. 

Working on a shadow box for her in honor of her one year anniversary in Heaven.

Missing kicks

A year ago today I felt my baby move for the last time... I can't remember if it was in the car ride home from her baby shower or at a bonfire that night. I guess I didn't really pay much attention cause I thought there would be so many more to feel. I regret that. I regret not savoring each tiny movement I could. I loved feeling her move, I cherished it. Some how I feel like I could have savored it more had i known it would have been taken so quickly from me. 

If I could tell pregnant women one thing it would be to savor and appreciate those movements and feelings... Only you can feel that baby so intimately. 

Maybe one of the saddest things about an unknown future is the possibility of never feeling that again. 

I can't believe it's almost been a year. 

Reflecting

A year ago today I was anxiously awaiting my baby shower with all my great friends. Mom, little sister, and baby brother drove 18 hours to be a part of it/help host it. We were all tuckered out from a day shopping and preparing what we could. 

It's so weird trying to look back and remember how my "innocent" self felt. Plans and hopes for the future, excitement, nerves... Happiness. 

Ironically I remember being so nervous for everyone else that was pregnant along side me "I hope their pregnancies go well" or "I hope their baby is healthy" I thought those things because; wouldn't I'd be horrible to be pregnant along side so many friends and loose your baby or have something go wrong? Little did I know in just a few short days I'd be the one hearing those life changing words. 

Weird how life goes so opposite of what we "plan" sometimes.

I scrapbooked the few pictures I have of Embers time on earth. Not enough to fill a scrap book or a baby book and yet such a huge part of my life... 

Progress. Or maybe a random "strong" day

It happened again today. I was treated to a pedicure (which was amazing and relaxing) and during her small talk conversation she asked if I had children, I responded with "not living" and she said she was sorry but guess what? I didn't cry! I had a tiny tear in my eye but not even enough to wipe away or try to hide. Then later when she said it was funny I picked the same color I was able to say "ever since my daughter died I've done my nails this color" with out tears. Since this is so close to Embers earthly birth anniversary I was surprised at my ability to do this. 

I'm thankful, though, that I was able to talk about her somewhat without crying. 

Ember toes. 

~ missing my baby ~

Mother's Day

Here I sit on the eve of Mother's Day doing some contemplating. "What is the perfect thing to say to a grieving mama on Mother's Day?" I ask myself and I'm left a little confused myself... You see tomorrow wont be a "happy" Mother's Day for me I won't want to hear that I know. 

I'm sad that this day is tainted, I've always enjoyed showing my mom extra appreciation on Mother's Day, but tomorrow I will be hiding from the world. And that's ok. My phone will be off, I'll not be on the Internet, I'll not be interacting with people much. 

Tomorrow is a "happy" Remembrance Day for me, a "happy" hopeful day for me. Though I'm imagining tomorrow I won't FEEL very happy I know there are babies waiting for me in heaven and there is a hope that there are living children in my future. I can and I will try to be thankful tomorrow. 

So something I would say to women who have lost (baby/children/or their own mom)? Happy remembrance day! 

To women who are having trouble conceiving? Happy hopeful day! 

But above all loss Mamas and women who want to be mamas let's not forget it is a Happy Mother's Day because all of us wouldn't be here if it wasn't for a mama... 

Issues

This past week or so has brought up a lot of bubbling emotions... Lets just say it's been rough. 

I've been battling with a lot of things, one that I'd like to release and get out "on paper" is this: losing my daughter changed friendships. You've probably heard that losing a baby is so much more than losing a child. It's loosing dreams, plans, hopes etc. but what I've struggled with lately is it changed a lot of friendships... I think mostly because it changed me. But partially I think it's because some people don't know how or what to say (and rightfully so because I don't even know what I would want people to do or say). 

Also Easter was this weekend, it should have been Ember's first instead I found myself taking pictures of a puppy (we recently got a puppy if you didn't know) and while often I'm happy with our puppy, on Easter I found myself resenting the fact that I was taking pictures of a puppy and not my baby's first Easter. 

The last thing I want to vent is. Mother's Day is coming soon and guess what? I'm gonna come right out and say it.. I HATE the thought of what that day is gonna be like. I might punch someone in the face if they wish me a happy mothers day or I might punch someone if they totally ignore the fact that I had two babies. So perhaps i will delete my Facebook for the weekend, hide in my bed that Sunday and throw my phone off a cliff that way no one can offended me either way. 

I cry every time I think about it and yet here it comes ready or not..and soon after that is the one year date... Ugh, emotions beware, I'm beginning to think this might be a lot harder than all the other milestones so far. 

Thankful

This morning one of my best friends text me told me that her and her husband were talking about my Ember Rose last night. It made me so happy to know that they think of her and what it would have been like for our babies to grow up together (I'm pretty sure they would have gotten married *wink wink*).

I was happy/touched all day. So thankful for friends who pray for me regularly and support me in many different ways. God is good. 

Birds

I like to think my daughter taught me to love birds. 

I never paid much attention to them until I was pregnant with her. 

Since she has gone I appreciate birds even more they're one of the reminders I think that God gives to me. 

Tonight there is an owl hooting right outside my bedroom window. I like to think God sent it there to sing for me a song of rememberance. 

A scattered, hard to follow post

I've been quite apprehensive about writing on this thing lately because I don't want people to only hear my down days but goodness... That's when I need to write. I hope you know, dear reader, my life isn't horrible and I do have positive days and even my down days are better than they once were. 

Sunday we sang a song at church and I honestly don't know that I'll ever be able to sing it with dry eyes again. It starts like this...

"Bless the Lord, O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning

It's time to sing Your song again

Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes"

The part where I start crying is "whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me... Let me be singing when the evening comes"

 I used to so easily sing this song. Not that I sang it without thinking about what it meant but it was definitely easy to sing at that time. I still sing it but now I'm painfully aware that sometimes "whatever may pass and whatever lies before me" is not something I'm excited to be going through. 

It's so hard to know sometimes, why you're going through the trials that you are. Life wants so much to drag you down. 

But then the next line of the song pops up...

"You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger

Your name is great, and Your heart is kind

For all Your goodness I will keep on singing

Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find"

And it's true, I KNOW there are so many reasons to be thankful. He is good, He does have a plan even if I can't see it right now. But sometimes even though I KNOW it, it's hard to FEEL it.

I'm not an optimistic person. it's a battle I have to fight, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And some days (like today) I feel like I'm losing the battle. 

There will be trials in this life, that is a guarantee, sometimes they feel like more than we can handle.

 Then the song ends...

"And on that day when my strength is failing

The end draws near and my time has come

Still my soul will sing Your praise unending

Ten thousand years and then forevermore...

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name

I'll worship Your holy name"

Good days

This morning, when I woke up, I knew it was gonna be a good day and you know what? It was! For the most part it was pretty uneventful. I went to my moms while husband worked (like I usually do) hung out with them awhile and then retreated to the craft room to spend a significant amount of time sewing. I made a few felt things, a gift, and a color matching work for baby brother (I've been trying to get him to learn his colors, he'd doing a great job). 

This evening I went to a Stampin' Up (I believe that's what it was called) party and made a beautiful card. Got to see some ladies from church.

Lastly I came home to a clean kitchen (thanks to my awesome husband) and we watched a few Dick Van Dyke episodes and then played trivia.

Like I said nothing extremely special or significant, but a good day just the same. Thank you God, I needed one of those (well I suppose NEED is a strong word... I desired a good mood day). 

Thanks for continued prayer.

Come on Spring!!! We need your kiss of new life! 

Today I was texting one of my best friends when all of a sudden my soul just started pouring out tons of stuff that has been festering inside of me. Struggles and burdens I've been dealing with. 

She challenged me (without even really meaning to) to find things to be thankful for. Some of you might remember I was doing that awhile back but in the past month or so stopped the "habit". I have a lot to be thankful for. So I'm going to try again...

Today I'm thankful for 

1-best friends

2-the mind that God gave me and the ability to use my mind and hands together to create things

3-my family making it home safely (even though in haven't seen them yet)

4-texting :) 

Winter

Last night the Internet was down, it was super cold, we had already played a board game, and husband and I were emotional. But since we couldn't escape to a show on Netflix we talked about our feelings, reminisced about Ember, and discussed how life is different than we planned/hoped. 

It was good for us. 

No we don't hide from our emotions all the time by watching Netflix. I just feel like we might have last night had the option been available. 

Today it's cold (for here) and I was complaining to myself thinking "it's been cold/winter forever!" [Midwest friends don't judge] but then I realized, it's been EMOTIONALLY winter for 7+ months THAT'S the issue. I'm ready for my emotional SPRING! And I feel like it's slowly coming. I'm thankful for that. 

Long post!

Here I go, about to pour my heart out to a blank screen because I just need someone to listen. I'm not looking for advice, or condolences, or well meaning words. I just want someone to hear my pain/my heart. And that's what this screen will do, listen. 

One of my favorite things about being pregnant is never being alone. Always having someone right there with me. 

The loneliness is overwhelming when that is taken from you. The emptiness, rather. 

Husband and I said goodbye to baby #2 last week.

Such a strange mix of emotions. Before I lost the baby I was sad and burdened for Ember at times. I wanted Ember to know I wasn't forgetting about her even though I was excited for a new hope. But I was excited and I was confident in this pregnancy, it was going great no signs of losing this one. 

But it happened.

Losing a baby so early on was completely different, I think my emotions are just now catching up with me. 

We knew better this time then to use phrases like "when the baby comes" instead we used "if this baby lives". But there was still a peace I had, this was my unexpected rainbow baby, I thought. 

I used to think it unfair that women get to be the pregnant ones, carry the baby, and then feed the baby. But after losing two babies I think it unfair that the woman has every physical task in having babies and even more unfair that some women have to be reminded daily, physically that there was a baby growing inside of them and then quite painfully and unexpectedly there isn't any more and you're left with a healing body, empty arms, and a broken heart. Each cramp of your body restoring itself to "prebaby" a painful reminder.

I'm sad this time too but it's different. It's even more dream like than Ember because this one was so early. With this baby we have no gender, no name, no kicks, no stories. Nothing tangible. 

But... In all of this, I'm ready to start "paying it forward". I had a great support team and so many blessings and tangible gifts to remember her by while in the hospital with Ember. I'm hoping  to put together care packages for hospitals... If you have any unique ideas of things you or someone you know received after losing a baby that was a great comfort to them message me and I'll consider putting it my care package. I'm excited to start! 

I heard this song today and re-fell in love with it... Something Beautiful 

        In your ocean, I'm ankle deep

     I feel the waves crashin' on my feet

       It's like I know where I need to be

     But I can't figure out, yeah I can't     

                       figure out

  Just how much air I will need to breathe

       When your tide rushes over me

       There's only one way to figure out

               Will ya let me drown, 

                will ya let me drown

            Hey now, this is my desire

             Consume me like a fire,

                 'cause I just want 

     something beautiful To touch me,                

               I know that I'm in reach

        'Cause I am down on my knees,

       I'm waiting for something beautiful

            Oh, something beautiful

                -NEEDTOBREATH-

Our tree

Today I took down our Christmas tree because it was sooo dry and dad had a burn pile going out at our place anyway. I had my brother cut a bit of the trunk off for me to save (husband and I did that with our first tree too). I didn't really pay much attention to it, set it aside to dry but then I picked it up to put it with my Christmas stuff and noticed something 

It has a perfect heart in the middle of it... Our tree gave us an empty nest for Ember and a heart stump for us to remember all the love we experienced this year and how our marriage grew too. 

What a blessing this tree was to me! Thank you, God, for another reminder from your creation just for me.