Ed Sheeran--Photograph

These last few days I've been somewhat obsessed with this song. I know it's about romantic love but there are more words in it that speak to me about my babies in heaven so I ignore those few phrases and keep the rest for my babies.
Some times the lyrics remind me of what my babies might say to me.
Sometimes the lyrics are what I want to say to them.
Sometimes the lyrics are about Tom and I without them

Tom and I

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

And time's forever frozen still

Baby

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet

Me

You won't ever be alone

Skip some lines...

Baby

You can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul

Skip some lines...
Me

And I won't ever let you go

...

"Wait for me to come home."

There it is. my discombobulated thoughts and feelings on this song... 

Maybe someone else feels this way too. 

(hugs)

***LATER***

Oh my goodness, in my rush to get thoughts down this morning I forgot one of my favorite parts of the song! 

                

                          Me

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know
I swear it will get easier, remember that with every piece of ya
And it's the only thing to take with us when we die

Can't believe I forgot that part. 

Time

2 years... still seems strange to say. It's been, already, a lifetime and yet only a moment. It's been "that must have been a dream" and a cold slap of reality. 

Life keeps marching on, even though at times it feels as if it is paused. I wonder, how long? 

How do you gracefully grow up? I don't want to be a person that always only thinks back to "the good ole days". I want to find joy, peace, beauty, and contentment in the here and now. I want to look forward with hopeful anticipation towards the future. 

Life is passing right before my eyes (no I'm not being dramatic for my age) it's true. I've spent so much of my time, this past two years especially , looking back to college age longing to go back. I also have a bad tendency to spend so much time dreading the future. I often forget that there's a present. Be still and know that he is God. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Present tense. [random verses that popped into my head as I am typing this.]

And still here I am, longing for past things and dreading future things. 

7 years

Today I got ANOTHER timehop memory about being a doula. Yesterday I had one also and I remember vividly, those babies and those birth stories. Very different (the first birth was to an experienced couple with a few kids at home. The second was first time parents and you could tell, especially in that proud daddy) yet similar (doctor scares and epidurals even though not in the birth plan)... I was shadowing a very experienced doula and I lived over an hour away. They happened within 24 hours of each other. I was exhausted but high on birth adrenaline!

It's crazy to think all the hours of reading/class/workshop/conferences/shadowing I spent on advancing my knowledge and skill in pregnancy/birth/postpartum. Not to mention the births I went to on my own. I used to love pregnancy and birth. I used to love talking about it. I used to love bringing awareness to people, about taking control of your own birth story. I used to read about it for fun (I don't even wanna know how much money I had spent on it over the course of... 6/7 years. 

Now-I avoid it... 

Pregnant women.

Birth stories. 

New babies.

All parts of it.

I am getting a [little-tiny] bit better. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever go back, even just on a smaller scale, to the way I was before Ember and baby #2. 

It breaks my heart that one of my passions was taken from me... 

I lost so much more than a baby when I lost Ember. And this is one of them. Yes she was and is the hardest to lose. But I don't know if people realize how much more you lose in a situation like this. Dreams. Innocences. Parts of your personality. 

There are things you gain too.. Compassion. Experience. Wisdom. New personality traits. 

Just thoughts I'm having today.