1 year

1 year

12 months

52 weeks

365 days

8,765 hours

525,948 minutes

31,556,926 seconds 

 

A lot can change in that amount of time. And for husband and I, it did. 

My last name changed

Where I lived changed

My job changed

My church changed 

We found out we were to be parents (around the same time as 3 of my best friends got pregnant too!) 

We got a bigger car

We got a bigger appartment 

Tom got another job (to make up for the money I wouldn't be contributing since I'd be staying at home)

Our baby died

We moved again (3rd time!)

Tom got a new job

... Just to name the major ones in OUR personal family 

That's a lot to handle in the first year of marriage and yet, here we are. One year (and one day) later. Our relationship is stronger with each other and our personal relationships with Jesus are stronger.

We've grown in so many ways and I'm so thankful for having such a great man to walk beside in this life. 

Life goes in such different directions then we plan sometimes. But God is good all the time. 

Sewing

Today I literally only stopped sewing to eat meals and then for the night once husband got off work. It was quite fun and my day FLEW by :) so excited to be learning this new, practical, skill. 

Creating is one of my favorite things to do. I am in another realm. Ask little sister, she's the opposite of me, talking away while she's crafting, trying to get a simple yes or no from me and I tell her "I'm crafting right now, I can't create and talk at the same time." I don't mean to be rude, I'm just happily inside my head trying to make my fingers and hands create the things my mind sees. 

I'm very excited about what I made today but it's a gift so I can't post pictures of it yet. 

Speaking of gifts... My anniversary is coming in a week!!! I have no clue what to get husband. Year 1. Crazy! I should figure that out soon! 

A thought

"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"-- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say "If The Lord wills, we will live and do this or that" James 4:13-15

This passage is one I dwell on a lot in life nowadays. I'm a planner. I like to know what's next. But in reality when do we ever really know what's next? Those of us who have trusted Christ can be sure of one thing, but on this earth it's unpredictable. I don't like definite plans anymore. I don't like saying "this and that will happen" because I truly don't know. I can hope, I can trust, and I can believe that whatever does happen happens for a reason even if I don't know that reason now (or maybe ever). 

This is a strange entry, more like a journal entry than talking to you (reader). But something non the less I wanted to say. 

If The Lord wills. 

Baby girl's shelf. 

Breakdown

I can't describe to you what it's like to have something so... Irreplaceable, so, valuable yet worthless to the rest of the world. I've written on this blog before about my fireproof box. Full of the few tangible things I have to remember my daughter and her birth. 

This new pendant is made of glass... I'm on edge wearing it, it could break so easily and yet it's purpose is to be on me, be with me always. 

And so I'm faced with a choice, guard it in a box as safely as I can, but where no one else can see it/know about it, or I can wear it boldly, trusting it will get through another day undamaged. 

And please don't tell me it's just a necklace, just an earthly possession because no. It's not. It's part of my own flesh and blood. And it's scary to walk around with that out on display. 

Just another thing a grieving mama has to go through... 

Be Kind

Today the quote "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Has really been on my mind. 

Grief (or at least in my experience of grief) makes you pretty selfish for a period of time. I don't think it's bad, I think it's necessary to take time and focus on yourself and possibly those closest to you. But it is easy to get caught up in it and not realize others are fighting some sort of battle. A battle which to you in the midst of your current battle might seem like nothing but to them in the midst of their battle is extremely exhausting, frustrating, and overwhelming. 

I look back at some of the battles I've fought in my past and feel like this is the hardest one (I'm sure I'll always feel like it's up there on my toughest battles) but looking back I know in the midst of other battles I felt like I was in a hard fight. 

Some battles are secret, some are common but all are trying. I know I could be better at showing people grace and mercy and I'm reminded of my short comings and thankful for a Savior overflowing with grace and mercy. 

I wish I was not so short fused. 

On a completely different note, I got my pendant today (2 months later than assured I would have it by). It's a pink, glass pendant with some of my daughters ashes in it. It might seem weird to some but after carrying my baby for 7 months to not having her at all it's nice to have her with me again. Though I do know she is not WITH me, you know what I mean...

Baby things

Today we went shopping and I saw so many baby girl things that I wanted to buy for Ember's shelf. The only thing is realism sunk in and I thought "you know, she never touched this doll, or held this bear, or wore this outfit. If I bought it "for her" really it would just be an item sitting on a shelf that would remind me that she wasn't here." So I didn't buy anything. But I often think I want to buy her cute things, stuffed animals, little shoes, and snuggly blankets. I just never can make myself. I know some people continue to buy things in honor of their babies but I haven't reached that point. 

Back to reality

We had dinner in our home for the first time tonight! I know, I know, some of you are thinking "wow, you've been there forever" but the reality is... Things take time when you're remodeling/moving/grieving all at once. I was excited, to cook dinner for Husband and I. Spaghetti with zucchini and summer squash-yum! 

Afterwards though, I got to thinking... This is our new reality. In a new home, making new memories without our baby. 

We were so pleasantly surprised to discover I was pregnant with Ember so quickly after we got married. We started thinking about how "wow, we're gonna spend our 1 year anniversary opening our wedding memory box with a baby!" Now as our anniversary approaches I realize that "plan" we made is different now too. I just can't get over how many plans/dreams changed with that positive pregnancy test and how drastically they were shattered with the words "no heart beat". Life is crazy, unpredictable, and so out of my control. 

Hoping to turn our day back into a good, exciting day watching a movie and eating Rocky Road ice cream-yum!

 But first I had to get some thoughts out and now I have to go look through some of her things to remember her. 

I'm a mama, not a mom

I'm a mama, not a mom

I can tell you what it feels like to find out you have another life inside you, but I can't tell you what it's like to raise that baby up. I'm a mama, not a mom.

I can tell you what it feels like to feel that baby squirm and squiggle inside you, But I can't tell you what it's like to watch her learn to crawl. I'm a mama, not a mom.

I can tell you what it's like to dream of what they'll look like, but I can't tell you what it's like to watch them as they grow. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell you what it's like to have people touch your belly, happily asking "when are you due?", but I can't tell you what it's like to hear them ask "how many months is she?". I'm a mama, not a mom.

I can tell you what it's like to go to the hospital, go through labor and through birth, but I can't tell you what it's like to stay up all night due to a fussy baby. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell you what it's like to hear the words "it's a girl!", but I can't tell you what it's like to hear her cry her first. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell you what it's like to make milk to give your child, but I can't tell you how to nurse. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell you what it's like to hold your baby for the first time, but I can't tell you what it's like to take her home. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell what it's like to have your heart outside of you, but I can't tell you what it's like to worry over sicknesses. I'm a mama, not a mom. 

I can tell you all about a little baby girl, but I can't watch you as you hold her, tell me she looks like me. I can't tell you when she got her teeth, or how to handle colic, or how she goes to sleep. I can't tell you what to do when you just need time alone. I can't tell you, I don't know 'cause I'm a mama, not a mom.

Something new

I was given a sketching journal by a dear friend/mentor and I've recently started illustrating Bible verses. I find it to be very helpful in a few ways: 1-I'm paying closer attention to the verse to find what word pictures are in it. 2-I'm thinking about the verse more. 3-I look forward/enjoy doing it.

I wouldn't say this life event has taken me further from God. No, I wouldn't say that at all. Actually I would say the opposite, I have been leaning on/trusting Him (and his people) more and more through it. I have had a very hard time though, being deep in His Word, only reading bits and pieces here and there. 

I'm very thankful that I have a desire lately to get back into Scripture, to study it. I have a strong suspicion a few people have been praying for that, which is exactly what I needed.   

Thank you. 

Always Remembering

I wear this Always Remembering bracelet all the time. I've thought all along how coincidental it is that the name I've loved for so long is hidden in the word RemEMBER. Ember-Spark burning low. 

I knew (before I was even talking to the man I married) my first daughter would be Ember Rose. I thought about how beautiful that would sound calling her to the table for dinner, telling her good night. I never thought about Remember Ember. I'm sad I don't get to use her name as often as I had planned... Nor in the ways I imagined. I'm sad that at this point her name brings me sadness more often than joy. I know in the future I will be able to find joy more and more in talking about my baby, remember the short time I had on this earth with my spark burning low. 

3 months

I finally remembered a milestone today! Which makes me feel like a better mom. I wasn't too sad all day either. 

We went to the beach, last time we went there I was 5 months pregnant with my baby girl. So weird how life changes things and you end up completely different than you planned. 

We wrote in the sand for her, I was sad when the tide washed her name away but also a little relieved. For some reason anytime someone else walked by it and read it I was uncomfortable, and i surely didn't want it there after we left. 

Husband and I talked about the fact that some days it really seems like my pregnancy was just a dream... And it's true, some days it really does feel that way. My body feels a little different, and I have stretch marks to prove it if I ever REALLY start to doubt it. But other than that a person watching husband and I walking down the beach would have NO idea what this summer has been like for us, and that, my friends, is bizarre.

Baby Brother is a ray of sunshine for sure, I'm so grateful his mom chose life and in doing so blessed this family more than she could ever know. Watching him enjoy the beach today was so much fun. 

Thank you God, for a beautiful way to spend the day. Trusting my baby girl had a great day in eternity with you. 

Busy Day

Whew!! Today was a productive day. After school Mom, Little Sister, and I rearranged somethings so we could have a separate school room!! I think it's gonna be great! We're trying to think of a name for our school :) 

One corner is our sewing station which is exciting 'cause Baby Brother can't get into our stuff now and projects can stay out. 

Then Husband and I set some more things up at our house and unpacked a few boxes. We're excited because He has two days off in a row!! Wahoo! Tomorrow we're headed to the beach with the fam. 

I'm hoping all of my busy work will help me to have deep sleep and by-pass the bad dreams tonight.

Today's beautiful thing- God's creation of butterflies. Every time I read about them I'm amazed at the details God puts into life. 

Fear of Fear

I'm realizing the constant state of fearing fear I'm living in. For example "how scary would it be if someone broke into our house while I'm sleeping?" Or "What if that semi truck crashes into us, the fear that I would have for the few seconds would be crippling!".

Anyway I'm always coming up with these fearful scenarios, I think because "how horrible would it be to hear the words 'no heartbeat'" recently happened in my life... 

It doesn't matter how much I bring to my mind the scripture on fear and not worrying  that I've memorized, that fear is still there. Haunting even my dreams, making my nights restless and my sleep light. The lack of sleep causes me to be even more sad, irritable, and unmotivated than I would be in this circumstance.

This is my struggle today. 

The beauty I find in today is the love and endurance people have, past their breaking point. The ability to keep pouring love out. 

What am I finding?

I've come to the realization that I'm not trying to find beauty in the ashes. When I named this blog that was my desire, to find beauty in these ashes. And yet, I realize, I'm negative. I'm stuck in a pity party rut... Guess what? I don't really want to/feel like I have strength to climb out of it either. 

But I'm gonna try.

I want to start by spending more time with my husband. I miss him all day while he's at work then he gets home and we just watch a movie or get on Facebook (or writing this blog lol!) so as soon as this is done I'm gonna suggest a board game (or maybe I'll have him read my blog and that'll be my way of suggesting it).

Then I want to find something beautiful in my life each day... Maybe I'll blog about it. Maybe it'll be a secret. But either way I want to try. 

Wish me luck (even though I don't believe in luck).