I'm not who I was

One day, it's inevitable, you will wake up and realize "I'm not who I was". Or at least I assume it's inevitable in that we are ever changing human beings. Some times you sit back and remember/realize...

This is who I was. 

This is who I was striving to be. 

This is who I am. 

If I continue down this path this is who I will be come. 

If I make these changes can I still be who I wanted to be?

I'm really reflecting (this past week) on who I have become. Sometimes it feels as if the person I am right now was forced on me, though, I know that I have [some] control over it.

I see a lot of things in my self that I DO NOT like... Things I never thought I would be. And yet, there are things about me that I never thought I could be, nor did I realize these areas that I was/am lacking in. 

There's a lot of dancing around with my words I realize it. I don't really want to say all that I'm thinking because "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything". 

All that being said. 

Who am I becoming? 

Bitter? 

Angry? 

Self centered? 

Stuck in my ways?

Scared? 

Unsatisfiable? 

Sad? 

I don't want those to be titles that I relate with. 

This is a daily struggle for me. 

I want to be who I was... I want to find that person again. Even in the midst of navigating the ocean of grief...I believe I can find her or at least parts of her. 

one of those nights

Today was over all a pretty swell day. (It's a Friday first of all so how could it be bad??)
I woke up to a message from a parent about the fact that the chapel message I shared yesterday had really sunk in with their child which really blessed my heart (I had been nervous and felt ill prepared to share with all those young eternal souls, but I'm so glad I didn't say NO!)
My students all did well on tests (proud teacher moment!).
I was able to get some lesson planning done and set myself up to be prepared for next week (score!).
Lastly, it was ART day today (every Friday I teach Art at my school). 
Anywho...those are all ingredients to a good day and the start of a good weekend. 
Then driving home, listening to a song that Ember and I used to jam out to in the car, I broke down (emotionally). I started sobbing. I missed my baby. I hated everyone who didn't have to give their baby[ies] back like I did. I got confused all over again. I got angry all over again. And I didn't have anyone to talk to. It's the same old story. I know people are sick of it. I know people don't know how to relate or what to say, so I shut up. I wipe off my tears and I put a smile on my face and I finish my day. 
The truth is, I love my job, I love my house, I love my pets, they are all great distractions. But what I really want is my baby. I can't get over wanting to have a room full of her toys and clothes (instead of two spare rooms with just crap in them). 
I can't get over the fact that all my stupid pictures of my dogs/house/cat/self could be (should be, in my mind) of my children. I can't get over the fact that I should be teaching MY child...she would be 2 and 4 months right now... what would she be learning? I don't even want to think about it...
I can't stop feeling betrayed by my body.
I can't stop wondering, why? 
I can't handle the constant reminders EVERYWHERE.
I can't handle feeling that I'm not able to relate to ANYONE in life right now..
And yet as I type this there comes a silent nudging...

He knows. 

"the Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:14

So, I'm gonna go be silent for awhile now.
<3

Tainted

Stillbirth (and I might add, infertility) taints you. Or, at least, it did (does) me. 

No longer can I look joyfully at a newborn baby. No longer am I able to be excited about pregnancy announcements. No longer can I listen to people spew out the "norm" for pregnancy/labor/birth. Because the truth is... It doesn't always happen that way. The labor and delivery floor doesn't ALWAYS house the labor pains that are "worth the pain". I can pretty much assume that no still birth mama thinks the pain is worth it. It's a horrible time. (Though looking back (and even to some extent, during it) I can see beauty in it). It's a terrifying, confusing, heart wrenching time.. To be on a labor and delivery floor knowing there are many other families in the rooms next door welcoming living babies. Knowing the nursery is full of crying/breathing babies. And yet here you sit with you're heart breaking more and more every contraction, every moment you come closer to holding your lifeless baby. Be mindful of those mommas...

 I know I was guilty of it too. Before it happened to me I never thought "there might be a mom laboring to give birth to a baby that's already in heaven". I do now. I always will. 

Some are not as fortunate as others. 

Some never will be. 

Some will forever be, tainted. 

My husband

My husband was meant to be a father.

He's great with kids, very loving and caring. He's fun, willing to do whatever, and kids love him. 

Watching him interact with with kids is hard for me. Knowing his heart desires children of his own. My hearts desire is to watch him hold our babies. 

It's sometimes painful watching other dads interact with their children... Children that look like their dad, and act like their dad. Knowing my husband doesn't have that. 

He would be an amazing dad to living children (just as he has been an amazing bereaved father). 

We baby sat little brother tonight... These are two of my favorite living people and it's bittersweet to watch their relationship.

❤️ 

Ed Sheeran--Photograph

These last few days I've been somewhat obsessed with this song. I know it's about romantic love but there are more words in it that speak to me about my babies in heaven so I ignore those few phrases and keep the rest for my babies.
Some times the lyrics remind me of what my babies might say to me.
Sometimes the lyrics are what I want to say to them.
Sometimes the lyrics are about Tom and I without them

Tom and I

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

And time's forever frozen still

Baby

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet

Me

You won't ever be alone

Skip some lines...

Baby

You can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul

Skip some lines...
Me

And I won't ever let you go

...

"Wait for me to come home."

There it is. my discombobulated thoughts and feelings on this song... 

Maybe someone else feels this way too. 

(hugs)

***LATER***

Oh my goodness, in my rush to get thoughts down this morning I forgot one of my favorite parts of the song! 

                

                          Me

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know
I swear it will get easier, remember that with every piece of ya
And it's the only thing to take with us when we die

Can't believe I forgot that part. 

Time

2 years... still seems strange to say. It's been, already, a lifetime and yet only a moment. It's been "that must have been a dream" and a cold slap of reality. 

Life keeps marching on, even though at times it feels as if it is paused. I wonder, how long? 

How do you gracefully grow up? I don't want to be a person that always only thinks back to "the good ole days". I want to find joy, peace, beauty, and contentment in the here and now. I want to look forward with hopeful anticipation towards the future. 

Life is passing right before my eyes (no I'm not being dramatic for my age) it's true. I've spent so much of my time, this past two years especially , looking back to college age longing to go back. I also have a bad tendency to spend so much time dreading the future. I often forget that there's a present. Be still and know that he is God. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Present tense. [random verses that popped into my head as I am typing this.]

And still here I am, longing for past things and dreading future things. 

7 years

Today I got ANOTHER timehop memory about being a doula. Yesterday I had one also and I remember vividly, those babies and those birth stories. Very different (the first birth was to an experienced couple with a few kids at home. The second was first time parents and you could tell, especially in that proud daddy) yet similar (doctor scares and epidurals even though not in the birth plan)... I was shadowing a very experienced doula and I lived over an hour away. They happened within 24 hours of each other. I was exhausted but high on birth adrenaline!

It's crazy to think all the hours of reading/class/workshop/conferences/shadowing I spent on advancing my knowledge and skill in pregnancy/birth/postpartum. Not to mention the births I went to on my own. I used to love pregnancy and birth. I used to love talking about it. I used to love bringing awareness to people, about taking control of your own birth story. I used to read about it for fun (I don't even wanna know how much money I had spent on it over the course of... 6/7 years. 

Now-I avoid it... 

Pregnant women.

Birth stories. 

New babies.

All parts of it.

I am getting a [little-tiny] bit better. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever go back, even just on a smaller scale, to the way I was before Ember and baby #2. 

It breaks my heart that one of my passions was taken from me... 

I lost so much more than a baby when I lost Ember. And this is one of them. Yes she was and is the hardest to lose. But I don't know if people realize how much more you lose in a situation like this. Dreams. Innocences. Parts of your personality. 

There are things you gain too.. Compassion. Experience. Wisdom. New personality traits. 

Just thoughts I'm having today. 

Struggles

It's such a struggle trying to figure out where you fit in when your baby isn't with you, [most] everyone around you has kids, and it seems like you may never have a living child. 

It's hard when, your whole adult (16+) life you've wanted to be a midwife/doula/birth photographer/birth advocate and yet here you stand unable to even THINK about helping a woman through a live birth. 

It's crazy when you used to be the person that held a newborn any chance you got, and now it's been over two years since you've held a baby. 

It's frustrating when you have ALL of this experience with children from newborn all the way up to teens... All these great plans and dreams for "how your family will be" and yet your family consists of, no children.

People say "you'll have kids"

People say "You're young"

People say "there's time"

People say "it'll be ok"

People say...

I don't believe it, I mean I believe it will be ok, I'm already experiencing more and more "ok" as time goes on... But sometimes 2 years feels like an eternity. Sometimes it feels like you only get a few chances. Sometimes it feels like, nope. 

Grief for a newly grieving mama

It's hard to think of words to say to a mama who has lost her baby. And I've been there so you'd think that I would have some magic, cure all words. But here's the thing...there are miscarriages, still birth, complications after birth, SIDS, and so many different types of ways to lose a baby.  Not to mention there are mamas who have known for part or most of their pregnancy that they may lose their baby. There are people like me who are completely surprised to lose their baby. 

There are mamas who have awesome support whether it's their husbands, their family, their friends, or their church. And sadly there are mamas that have to do it all alone. There are mamas with no other kids. There are mamas that have already lost kids. There are mamas that have kids at home and have to help them also grieve. 

So many scenarios (and some that I'm not mentioning I'm sure). Throw in religion, beliefs, background, personalities, life experiences, and life situations... that how could there be an answer that is a perfect puzzle piece fit?The thing about greif is, there's no way for you to possibly know how someone is feeling. Even my husband and I who have the same story, have different grief. Sometimes things you say, even with the best intentions, hurt. 

 One thing that I hope people will get from this is that we need to help grieving people realize that their grief is their own and that may not look like anybody else's. 

That if they need to have their baby's blanket with them in their purse for the next month or year that's okay.  

That if they can't leave the house without something that reminds them of their baby that they lost, that's okay too they're not crazy. 

That if suddenly driving to the grocery store is more terrifying than you ever thought it could be... That's normal.

That if they need their husband to call or text as soon as he gets where he's going so you know he's safe... Normal too. 

Things will probably never get easier but they will get manageable...you will learn to navigate your own ocean of grief and know how to handle when the waves are crashing over you and know how to take advantage of the stillness in between the swells. 

That is a combination of things said to be that I found to be the most helpful in MY situation at the time they were said. 

Also, try not to forget the important dates for the grieving mama. I have found even a simple text or picture of something that reminds you of their situation is greatly appreciated. 

I guess it all boils down to... Try not to relate, instead listen, love, and say [do] what your heart (or the Holy Spirit, if you're a believer) leads you. 

Grief is hard, people... Losing a baby is hard. Expect hurricanes and tidal waves in the ocean of greif and enjoy the calm whenever it comes (for however long it lasts). 

After

Sometime who you become, after a major life event, sucks. Sometimes people around you, after a major life event, suck. 

I keep having a flash back lately (probably because it happened almost exactly two years ago) days after I went through a stillbirth I was at Walmart with my mom and a lady stops me, of all people, and says "will you lift this for me, I'm newly pregnant and I shouldn't lift heavy things" I could have punched her... I had just given birth and shouldn't be lifting heavy things either, but of course she didn't know that. Luckily my mom was with me and I didn't even have to talk to that lady or look at her. I still have horrible feelings towards that woman... 

Becoming such a fragile person, after being a somewhat tough person, is very hard to do. Sometimes I hate the person I've become. Sometimes I just hate the situation. Like when people have to go through my husband to figure out how to handle me (guess what stillbirth dads have emotions too). Or how people have to tip toe around me. Or how some people I just can't make myself even be fake friendly to... It's not fair. Not to me, not to the other people, not to my husband.

But what's the solution? Is there one? 

Today two years ago, we said our final goodbyes to our baby girl. We had a lovely little service for her and many people came showing their love and support. 

I can't believe it's been two years... 

Big life things are happening in our life...things that are exciting but don't quite compare to what my life was like before and definitely no where near where I thought they would be. 

"Memories"

It's strange to use the Facebook "memories" or "on this day" app. Crazy to see how one year a day could be a perfectly happy day and the next one of the hardest days of your life.

I was induced today, 3 years ago. 

4 years ago my roommates and I were serenaded by the boys of the house up the hill. 

Looking back is strange thinking of myself then. Having the time of my life, engaged to a great guy, planning a beautiful wedding, not suspecting at all that exactly a year later I would be broken completely. 

And then 1 year ago my wonderful nana passed away. I think of her so fondly. So many memories that include her. I'm so thankful for a nana that loved me so and was such a big part of my childhood and even into my adult life. 

Just reflections to ponder... One day can hold so many memories. 

2 years

It's strange when you don't really know how to feel. Today is 2 years since we heard "there's no heart beat" and yesterday (her baby shower anniversary) was harder than today. As time passes I don't know how to feel... Sad? yes. Mad? Often. Happy? I try. 

I don't want to MAKE myself sad today if I didn't wake up that way but also I feel I'm being too calloused if I'm not sad. 

Ah ha, there come the tears... 

This day, 2 years ago changed my life and me personally, as a human, forever. Much more sadness (though I've always been a somewhat pessimist), much more rawness. I don't care as much what people think of me any more. I look at people who have lost...differently. I look at people who haven't lost...differently. Basically I look at life and the whole world around me.. differently. 

Not all of those changes are bad things, though sometimes I feel like my life after is just pretty much dumb. In everything I do nothing seems to hold a flame to being a mom to Ember. What I should be doing is raising a toddler but instead I'm doing ______(whatever it is that I'm doing). 

It's still hard being around infants and kids that would be her age. I suspect I will always look at them and wonder what she would be like.

God allowed this to happen for a reason, though I may never know why, I have to trust. I have to believe that it was for a greater purpose. maybe someday I will have the courage to help hurting mamas, like so many hurt mamas before me, have helped me. But for now I just do the best that I can do to occupy my time and thoughts with meaningful things.... missing her always ❤️

Reinventing

Right now in life everything I'm doing feels like a reinvention of myself. Changing myself from the stay at home mom I planned on being to the person who has to go out in the world and make a purpose for herself. Coming up on two years since my life flipped drastically and it doesn't feel any easier than one year did. I look around at the [so many!!] babies her age, or what age she would be and my heart breaks a little each time. She'd be coming up on her "terrible twos" but I know she wouldn't have been terrible.

 I look at all the things I fill my time with and my heart hurts knowing that I should have been filling my time with Ember. Teaching her things. Showing her things. Making her things. And my heart breaks a little. 

I'm thankful for the things I have to fill my time with and I do know that God has me where he wants me it's just sometimes my heart needs a little extra convincing. 

Looking back

Timehop has been reminding me of my pregnancy with Ember a lot lately. Things that I have forgotten or not thought about for 2 years. It's interesting to see what day/memory brings up what emotions. Mostly I'm thankful to be reminded. Sonetimes it's hard to think back to my innocence then... My selfishness, my confident self. 

Sometimes I worry that people are thinking "get over it, it's been two years" but then I think "you talk about your kids all the time, give me break for mentioning what I can about my short time being a mom." These thoughts are not aimed at anyone person... Just thoughts. 

Sometimes I think "it's been two years, move on."

I feel emotionally drained for many reasons tonight and if I could I would turn myself into a cocoon, spend the whole weekend renewing and  be a completely new, refreshed, different being on Monday. 

A girl can wish, right? 

Forget-me-not

As time goes on, both without Ember and seemingly without children... I often feel like I never had a baby (these are times that stretch marks are handy! Proof that a baby grew in there!) I feel like maybe it was all a dream... Like my desires for children were made up and maybe I'll be just fine without living children. But then something will randomly hit me right in the gut and I'm left breathless or in tears. Thinking about what might have been. You know she'd be working on 2 years old here pretty soon. She'd be talking some, walking well... 

Forget-me-not 

Forget-her-not 

She existed (and exists in heaven). She wasn't a dream. 

I  obsessed with forget-me-nots this year. Such cheery little things. I can't wait till it warms up and I can plant a whole lot of them in honor of all the souls not forgotten in my life. 

come as you are (David Crowder)

On the way home tonight I was listening to the new Crowder cd (well, new to me). Come as You are is a very emotional song and tonight it struck a very raw nerve.
Here are the lyrics with  my thoughts/feelings in parenthesis

Come out of sadness
From wherever you've been

(This is me... Afraid and hiding in sadness, sometimes too nervous to even THINK about hoping)

Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin

(very broken)

Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal

(is this true? can heaven really heal this sorrow? earth side)

Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame

(I am full of burdens, and often shame)

All who are broken
Lift up our face

(So broken, all parts of me)

oh wander come home
You're not too far
So lay down your hurt

(am  I willing to lay down my hurt?)

Lay down your heart

(Can I lay down my heart?)

Come as you are

There's hope for the hopeless

(where is my hope?)

And all who have strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There's rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't cure


I love this song, but tonight my heart asked the question, How does a perfect, powerful God that can create something with a word from his mouth...relate to a woman who desperately wants to create a child but cannot?
He created me with:
the DESIRE to have children
the passion to raise children
the love of teaching children
the calling of nurturing children

and yet...
here I am.

I'm not asking this question disrespectfully, I know God is all knowing... so I'm sure there is a way for Him to know. But today (and lately in general) I feel like no one can relate to me, no one knows how I'm feeling, no one can say the right thing... I feel very much alone.
I know I'm not alone, but I feel desperately alone.

Praying

I'm not good at praying. I'm being honest here. I feel like, since Ember died, what's the point. God will accomplish His will, life will happen, and my prayers don't mean much... This is me being honest. 

But then, you hear horrible things happening all over the world... And (in another honest moment) I often try to put it out of my mind... Persecution terrifies me, it does. But, it's all over. I can't ignore it... What can I do? Pray? 

The Bible tells me to. But sometimes I ask, how? Or...why? 

I'm trying to get better at it, I am. My heart breaks for all these people... My heart is anxious for what the future could hold here, or in my personal life. 

There is no conclusion to my post today because there is no conclusion in my thoughts... 

January 15th

Here I sit on the year anniversary of baby #2 date. 

Losing a baby so early along after losing a baby so far along has been a very odd thing for me. I have always valued life from conception but this baby felt and still feels a lot less real to me. In fact many times I look at the calendar and say "why is the 15th marked?" Then I read why it's marked and feel guilty again. I rarely think about this baby, about how, if he/she had been born it would be only 5 months old... My life would be vastly different. And yet this might be the first time I've actually thought of it. 

I thought I'd take a moment to write about and remember baby #2. 

Baby, you shaped me in ways I probably don't even realize. I wish I could have known you more. Missing you, tonight. Xo 

Joy

This year I'm going to try and find joy in my life. More often anyway (because I know that it would be unrealistic of me to expect myself to be joyful always...)

So I'm trying to focus on 

Jesus

Others

Yourself (me!)

In that order... I have many ambitions for myself this year, I love a new year (like a  a new journal, or new canvas) all sorts of new possibilities! 

As most of you know last year I started sharing my Bible Journaling and found encouragement in all the positive feedback I was getting. I was nervous to share at first but I will continue to because of so many of you being encouraged by it. I'd love it if you started doing it in your own Bible too!! 

Well during the holidays I got in a funk and started believing a lie.. When I went to do my first entry of the year I opened to this page and these words stuck right out at me. 

What a great way to start the new year! may I stop believing the lie that---just because things aren't going my way God is against me. 

Have a JOY-ful new year friends!