Missing kicks

A year ago today I felt my baby move for the last time... I can't remember if it was in the car ride home from her baby shower or at a bonfire that night. I guess I didn't really pay much attention cause I thought there would be so many more to feel. I regret that. I regret not savoring each tiny movement I could. I loved feeling her move, I cherished it. Some how I feel like I could have savored it more had i known it would have been taken so quickly from me. 

If I could tell pregnant women one thing it would be to savor and appreciate those movements and feelings... Only you can feel that baby so intimately. 

Maybe one of the saddest things about an unknown future is the possibility of never feeling that again. 

I can't believe it's almost been a year. 

Reflecting

A year ago today I was anxiously awaiting my baby shower with all my great friends. Mom, little sister, and baby brother drove 18 hours to be a part of it/help host it. We were all tuckered out from a day shopping and preparing what we could. 

It's so weird trying to look back and remember how my "innocent" self felt. Plans and hopes for the future, excitement, nerves... Happiness. 

Ironically I remember being so nervous for everyone else that was pregnant along side me "I hope their pregnancies go well" or "I hope their baby is healthy" I thought those things because; wouldn't I'd be horrible to be pregnant along side so many friends and loose your baby or have something go wrong? Little did I know in just a few short days I'd be the one hearing those life changing words. 

Weird how life goes so opposite of what we "plan" sometimes.

I scrapbooked the few pictures I have of Embers time on earth. Not enough to fill a scrap book or a baby book and yet such a huge part of my life... 

Progress. Or maybe a random "strong" day

It happened again today. I was treated to a pedicure (which was amazing and relaxing) and during her small talk conversation she asked if I had children, I responded with "not living" and she said she was sorry but guess what? I didn't cry! I had a tiny tear in my eye but not even enough to wipe away or try to hide. Then later when she said it was funny I picked the same color I was able to say "ever since my daughter died I've done my nails this color" with out tears. Since this is so close to Embers earthly birth anniversary I was surprised at my ability to do this. 

I'm thankful, though, that I was able to talk about her somewhat without crying. 

Ember toes. 

~ missing my baby ~

Mother's Day

Here I sit on the eve of Mother's Day doing some contemplating. "What is the perfect thing to say to a grieving mama on Mother's Day?" I ask myself and I'm left a little confused myself... You see tomorrow wont be a "happy" Mother's Day for me I won't want to hear that I know. 

I'm sad that this day is tainted, I've always enjoyed showing my mom extra appreciation on Mother's Day, but tomorrow I will be hiding from the world. And that's ok. My phone will be off, I'll not be on the Internet, I'll not be interacting with people much. 

Tomorrow is a "happy" Remembrance Day for me, a "happy" hopeful day for me. Though I'm imagining tomorrow I won't FEEL very happy I know there are babies waiting for me in heaven and there is a hope that there are living children in my future. I can and I will try to be thankful tomorrow. 

So something I would say to women who have lost (baby/children/or their own mom)? Happy remembrance day! 

To women who are having trouble conceiving? Happy hopeful day! 

But above all loss Mamas and women who want to be mamas let's not forget it is a Happy Mother's Day because all of us wouldn't be here if it wasn't for a mama...