A walk

Tonight Husband and I took Baby Brother and Little Sister for a walk. I love watching Baby Brother observe things. He's a year and one half and everything is new to him. Every sound is cool, every animal is a discovery, every plane flying over is exciting, and of course every ball/basket ball hoop is awesome! 

To be young, carefree, and excited about everything sounds so good. Faith like a child. Love without reserve. 

Missing my baby and the fact that I'll never watch her do these things. Thankful I have Baby Brother though. 

Today I stumbled across the realization that no one will come to me for parent advice, or questions. The only help I'll ever be is if someone goes through this horrible thing and that's unfortunate. That's not a fun thing to have experience in. 

Today

Baby brother found my phone today. Little sister said "ness! He has your phone!!" When I walked over to him he was looking at my lock screen (picture of Ember) saying "baby" then he brought the phone up to his lips and gently kissed the screen. Then he carried my phone around for a while looking at "the baby". 

It felt as if she was real to him and it made me happy. 

Later I was going to post a picture on Facebook of my latest sewing project but after seeing all the posts of all the different babies (not to discourage people from posting because I'm happy for those people that can and are posting pictures of their babies or call any certain person out cause there were lots of different people posting) I realized how lame a new craft was in comparison and how much more I'd rather be posting pictures of my baby too. 

I'm almost bitter at the "free time" I have to; learn to sew, do crafts, remodel a house, etc. because that's time that SHOULD (in a fair world) be spent on my brand new baby. 

But that's not what was supposed to happen in my life... My days are open, my arms are empty, my nights are sleepless and restless, and my heart is broken. 

I really am not trying to make anyone stop posting pictures of their baby, or make anyone "feel sorry for me" I'm just getting off my chest what I'm going through today. 

Husbands day off

Today we woke up and felt like it was going to be a good day. We watched a few episodes of our current favorite tv show then headed out to use some gift cards we received as moving away gifts. We ate lunch at Red Lobster (crab bisque yum) and buy some things for our bathroom at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. 

When we got home we finished our 

kitchen wall (I've been procrastinating the ombré wall even though it's the coolest wall!) 

(Pay no attention to our door frame, or lack thereof). 

Then I finished my curtains! 

And we painted our closet 

(Leftover paints and washi tape to make it funky) 

So it was a great, fun, productive day :) 

3 people text me today and told me they prayed for husband and I this morning and you know what? Prayer works :) 

Just a day

It's really unfair of me to only blog when I'm going through a rough day or have experienced a new sadness, but in reality my days that are"good" are pretty boring. 

 

Our bathroom is finished and I even unpacked our boxes into it! Whew that took me forever! We finished our last coat of living room paint!  Those things are done now so I can rest well tonight feeling pretty accomplished. 

Tomorrow starts "real" school, not just "getting in the groove". We (little sister and I) agreed upon a weekly theme that we pick a month at a time. First we do our "regular school" which is spelling, math etc. then we get to do the "fun stuff" This week is science experiment week. We both love science and though the experiments will be simple I'm sure we'll have fun. Next week is baking/cooking. 

Meeting new people and trying to be friendly is hard I've decided. I've never been very good at meeting new people then you throw in grief and its like psh, whatever. I need to take things slowly. I realize it's not good to get stuck, so I'll try to avoid that but...At the same time it's ok to take my time. Tricky balance. 

See, I told you. Boring.

:) 

A new perspective

Since I started this blog I kinda figured it was about 1-me releasing things to the world. 2-connecting with others like me. 3-helping people we've moved away from know what's going on.

Today I got a message from a friend that gave me another perspective. She said something along the lines of...thank you for being honest and open, helping me to know how to pray for you AND to have a greater understanding of what you and others in your situation are going through... I thought, "hey that's cool. Not only is this helping her know how to pray and help me but she is also able to apply it to others when the time comes." 

So I thought I'd just say, if you know of someone (a friend, aunt, grandma etc) who wants to know what their bereaved mama feels like so they can better minister to them by all means share my blog with them.

 Not that every one grieves the same way because they most certainly don't. But because mamas who loose their babies often go through similar things.  Things like:

-Freaking out that the house is gonna burn down and all tangible memories will be lost (which is why I got a fireproof box)

-worry about their spouses life being taken away 

-every car is out to get you and wreck into you

-keeping something that reminds you of your baby on you at all times

Just to name a few. 

Eventually I want to blog about some of the other things in more detail that I (and I know other mamas whom have lost) worry or think about. 

Anyway, it's just a thought I had today and I was encouraged at the thought of other people who haven't directly lost know how to help someone they care about. 

Rough night

Warning: my goal with this blog was to be honest and real with you and tonight I have a lot of honesty and realness to get out. 

Tonight we went to a support group (for people who have lost babies). It did quite a lot in this broken heart of mine. 

It awoken anger that I've been dealing with, anger that there were 30 ish people in this circle who were all hurting like me. Anger that these kinds of groups even have to exist, anger that I was one of the group, anger that I couldn't even say my name or my baby's name without crying, anger that I was too heart broken to speak. Anger that I'll never have a blissful pregnancy. Anger that people take for granted their pregnancies and babies. Anger that people kill their babies.

It awoken fear. Fear that it can and does happen to some more than once. Fear that if/when we have a live baby all these emotions will come flooding back. 

I cried, I laughed, I missed my baby, I was thankful for others willing to share their stories, thankful that people don't crawl inside a hole after something devastating happens but instead reach out and love on others going through the same thing. 

On the way home I wouldn't even talk to husband about the meeting. In my head I was going through all the reasons I was angry, then a song came on that I sang when I was pregnant. I thought about the words back then and thought "wow, do you really mean these words?" And tonight as I was singing it again I thought "wether I meant them or not they happened" ..."take my hopes, my dreams, my family... They're all yours God".

 I cling so tightly to my husband ever since we lost our baby. Some days it's hard to even let him go to work because something could happen while I'm not with him. I know a lot of you won't understand that fear but it's very real for me. I don't want him taken away too. 

These are my feelings right now. I am angry. And that's ok. It's part of grief. 

I have a lot to work through and like I've had to do so many times in the past two and a half months I have to take things a day at a time. 

 

More like home less like a fixer upper

We've made some good progress lately,  or at least I feel that way. This house is starting to feel more like a home. Not necessarily our home because due to all the "fixing up" it's much easier to keep things packed away. Any day now though I should be able to unpack things into my kitchen and the guest bathroom until our master bath is done. 

I'm so thankful for my parents because we wouldn't be able to have home cooked food if we were doing this process alone. 

I've decided to update you all on what it looks like so here goes...

Living room walls are neutral to balance out all my colors. 

Kitchen meet living room. 

Kitchen you are my favorite.

Bathroom still in progress. 

Anyway... I am starting to really like this house and I can't wait to unpack and really live life here :)

Today was a good day, I like when husband has the day off even if it is during the week instead of weekends. 

Oh and best news for last... Our apt. in Wi. rented out! Praise The Lord for that burden lifted!!!! 

First day of school!

Today we started school. As most of you know I'll be homeschooling my 9 year old sister this year and we're both excited about it (I think mom's excited too, for a little break after doing it for 20 years). Mostly it was just getting adjusted, organizing things, and getting "into the groove". 

Also baby brother is showing DEFINITE signs of potty training at 18 months all on his own! So he and I are working on that. I'm feeling very grateful for all this busy work. 

Today at the library baby brother was playing with some other kiddos his age and all the moms/grandmas were talking about what ages what kid started doing what and I started tearing up knowing I'll never be able to talk about my baby and her accomplishments. But I am thankful for baby brother and how much fun it is too watch him learn new things EVERYDAY. He's amazing, and I don't think I'm just being biased... Well maybe a little. 

Side note:

I'm getting sick of painting. I hope to knock most of it out tomorrow. Tuesday is husbands new Saturday so we'll get a lot done tomorrow if all goes as I plan in my head, which rarely do things go as I plan but we'll see. 

Sneak Attack

Today I experienced a sneak attack. This happens from time to time and from what I've read and heard of its common. Certain things set you off, make a good day nose dive into the sea of emotions surrounding you. I had one this morning. 

We went to church, I was in a fine mood and felt like it would be a Good day (this to me means less emotional), Until we were asked to fill out a card so the church could know more about us (our names etc.) then at the very end it asked Children's names (and birthdays)...How do we answer that? This is something we hadn't discussed, and during worship wasn't the time. The rest of service it was left blank until the end right before we had to give it back. I thought about not turning the card in, sticking it in my Bible and pretending we never filled it out. I thought about turning it in without our baby's name on it, after all she isn't "ours" any longer. Then with seconds to spare I wrote her beautiful name, Ember, followed by her earthly date of birth. I couldn't leave her out. After all she was OUR baby, our child and she does deserve the honor of being mentioned. 

It broke my heart. 

I knew the time would come, I know more times will come when we'll be asked "do you have kids?" Or "when will you guys start having kids?" And I imagine my answer will greatly depend on my strength that day. 

Luckily this happened right at the end of church so I quickly went and sat in the car to hide my tears. My baby, how could we deny her at least the mention of her name?  Someone that spent 7 short yet impactful months with us. 

It's hard when something catches you off guard like that, puts you in an awkward place. 

There's no way to prepare for some of the things mamas like me have to come up against, and there certainly is no way of knowing ahead of time how we'll react. It stinks, it really does and to be honest I hate it. Not even I know how I'll react to something so little to the majority of the world yet to me so important. I don't like not knowing how I'll react at any given time but that's just where I'm at right now. Maybe down the road there will be more stability and predictions to how I'll handle things but for now I have to walk lightly, waiting for another sneak attack to catch me off guard. 

I'm happy to say my day turned around and I still had a "good day". We got quite a bit done at the house, Husband and I went on a lovely date and then watched Thor with my family. 

I am blessed. 

Rainbows

Today I was driving through an insane rainstorm, over a bridge that's crosses a lake. So basically I was surrounded by water. I'm extra paranoid these days and I was positive I was going to fall off the bridge to my sure death. Plus I was driving my dads truck which makes me ten times more paranoid because I don't want to wreck that beautiful thing! Anyway it was a stressful bridge crossing, then all of a sudden it stopped completely and was fine. The last bit of the bridge was completely dry and as I was waiting to turn an a stop light right in front of me formed a beautiful full rainbow! I could see the bottom of it even (I looked for gold but alas it must have been on the other end). I was ok with no gold though because I loved the symbolism I drew from it. Hope that after a scary stretch of stormyness comes beauty. Hope that God will show Himself to me if I've lost sight of Him. Hope, just hope is enough. 

Rainbows have started to mean so much more to me than they did previously. I've talked about them a lot on Facebook and God has been gracious to me in showing me at least one a week ever since my baby left my body. I'm grateful for them. In my head they connect me to her a little bit, my little symbol that Gods got her but He's also watching out for me and letting me know it'll be alright. 

Hope. 

Looking back

Ever since our baby left us looking at pictures of my past is not the same. I look at myself years, months, even days before that day and think to myself "oh you poor girl, so happy and naive" or "you have no idea how your life will change". That's the thing about death, often it just blindsides you and your world is shaken. 

One of the hardest things for me is looking back and realizing I'll never be that carefree person, that innocent girl who's whole heart is intact. I'll never be her again because, I'll never have my whole heart back and I'll never be naive to the fact that babies do sometimes die before you're ready. Of course I KNEW that it happened, that babies died, but now that it's happened to me I realize it happens a lot more than the average person realizes, or at least then I realized. I don't know how to gracefully inform people (the kind of person that I used to be) that no it doesn't just happen to THOSE people, it can happen to ANYBODY. It's scary, but I think I'd like to find a way to help people not skip the chapter in their pregnancy book "when you come home empty handed". I skipped those chapters, cause guess what, that wasn't going to happen to me... I did things right, I was in touch with my body, I ate well, I was well informed and confident in my body. we read to our baby all the time, talked to her, embraced her... I did things right, I was healthy I didn't need those chapters. Oh sweet Vanessa of 2 months ago... If you only knew what was in front of you.

New home

Tonight marks a beginning for us. The beginning of living in Texas. Sure we've been here a few weeks now but up until tonight we have lived with my family and as a result we both felt like this was maybe just a vacation. Nope, it's not, it's real life! 

I love paint. Paint can turn ugly, plain, boring rooms into a place that makes me happy just to be in. We picked green for our bedroom because supposedly green is the color that brings happiness. 

This house still needs a lot of work but that is part of the reason we wanted it. Distraction, something to work on, keep our minds busy, and it doesn't hurt that I can let my creativity run wild. "Homes are for free expressions, not good impressions". 

I had my first ever sewing (machine) lesson today and started some cafe curtains for my kitchen. I would have finished them but I didn't measure my window... Duh. ⬇

Anyway, I'm very excited to hang them up when I'm done! I've always wanted to learn how to sew and I'm eager to make lots of things already! Now, what box is my sewing machine packed in?? 

Milestones

Well, I missed another one. It's been two months and two days and I didn't even think about her "two month" on the 5th. I'm not sure why they pass me by. I feel a little guilty afterwards. 
Today I downloaded the "lilypie" ticker to keep track of how long we've been without her and only then did I realize that I missed it. 
I think subconsciously I remember because I always get really angry and sad right around the significant day(s). 
We have been pretty busy, getting our house ready to move into, Husband getting a job and getting used to that new, crazy, different, schedule, and I have been getting things ready to teach my little sister. But it's still sad to me that I'm forgetting such things. 
A friend on Facebook shared this verse tonight just when I needed it "God makes all things beautiful in His own time." Ecclesiastes 3:11. It's hard for me to think of my situation as beautiful, but I do believe I've already had moments of seeing beauty in these ashes.