"Home"

I'm in Colorado for a SUPER short visit (my great grandmas memorial/celebration of her life lived on earth). 

I grew up in Colorado (southern for the first half of my childhood northern for the second half). It's been over two years since I've been back here (northern). 

I wasn't married last time I was here, actually my (now) husband was meeting my family for the first time! 

I LOVE Colorado. I always tell people geographically its the best place to live. But The strange thing is I don't think I'd ever live here again. There's less and less for me here. I moved almost 7 years ago and when I left I was leaving life as I knew it. My family, my best friends, my job, my church, the familiarity of roads, knowing where I was... Everything. Now I come back and there's almost nothing here except memories. 

My immediate family moved, my friends moved (or we fell apart), and now just a few family members live here. 

No one knows me here... 

Isn't life weird? 

I can't believe it's been so long since I moved.  A COMPLETELY different person drive off for college nearly 7 years ago. 

I think going through this last year has made me forget a lot of positive memories I had (which is sad to me) I'm trying to find some while I'm "home". 

Nostalgia sets in- yet I am thankful for where God has me now. 

Candid

*funny story* for the longest time I thought candid meant something along the lines of funny because of Candid Camera and I always thought that show was hilarious so I related the two--ha!

I'm dealing with anger, in a lot of ways. I need prayer because sometimes i don't know how to handle it, or process it. I have never been a very angry person really and I know anger goes with grief, I'm trying to handle it Biblically but I don't particularly like this underlying feeling...

I just miss the innocence of life before all this. Everything now feel dangerous, everything feels scary. I tend to see the bad more than the good, the what might be's not the what most likely will be's. 

I've also never been an optimist which has dropped from a realist to probably more of a pessimist. 

I then struggle with "Vanessa, your life has not even been THAT hard at all toughen up" to "Vanessa, process and handle these emotions they are what you're feeling." 

I appreciate the prayers of my praying friends, I know they've helped me in the past and trust they will help me now. I also appreciate bible verses you feel led to share with me. 

Xo

Angry

Today we walked by and through the baby section at Target. Most of the time I can tough through it...today I got mad and sad. 

A lot of the time I don't bother myself with "what would have been" because frankly it just isn't so why dwell on it? But today I saw the little girl swim suits and had a flash thought of my Ember splashing in the pool, how she'd probably love the water since I was a fish as a child. I got angry because so many people take simple things like buying their baby a swim suit for granted. I got angry because I will never buy Ember a swim suit. I got angry because the baby row at Target existed. 

Another happy Remembrance Day

Obviously I don't know what it's like to be a loss daddy. Mamas and daddy grieve very differently (even more different than the different grief from mama to mama) and I am not a man so I won't pretend to know how that feels. 

Even though it is a more silent grief (in our case anyway), I know my husband grieves. So this post is for him, other loss daddy's, and people who have lost their dad. 

Happy remembing day! My prayer is that it's not a negative day but a day filled with some of the happy memories you have with your loved one and/or hope for the future and thankfulness for life.

"Not all wounds are so obvious. walk gently in the lives of others." -unknown

Love to my dear husband 

And to anyone else that might need a little extra today. 

P.S-I would also like to acknowledge daddy's who have had their babies taken in the name of "woman's choice". I know many of you and though I don't have words to say, know that my prayers are with daddy's of all kinds today. 

1 year gone

Our day celebrating/remembering Ember was great. Lunch at Embers American Grille, fairy garden shopping, wish release, balloon release, and cake. Many loved ones celebrated/remembered with us and sent/tagged photos of the candles they burned. I'm so grateful for all the love people show us.

As the day comes to a close emotions start coming more to the surface. This morning I shed a few tears thinking about how there would be no traditional first cake free for all... No cake with the birthday girl pictures and no happy birthday songs. I just couldn't bring myself to allow happy birthday to be sing today. 

The rest of the day was tear free until now. 

I look back, I look forward and I'm not sure what I'm feeling. 

I think I set standards in my head that one year was my allotted time. Now it's time to use my experience and heart break to minister to others. I pray I can use my loss to reach people that can't be reached by others. So now it's time to start taking steps towards that. I hope I'm strong enough. 

If I could send a message to Ember it would go something like this. 

Baby Ember,

I hope in heaven there's some sort of entrance to heaven celebration. 1 year there, eternity to go! 

I sure do wish we could have celebrated your life here with us, although that's mighty selfish of me. 

I hope you know how loved you are/would have been here with all of us. 

There's no way we will ever forget you. Thank you for fighting so hard to stay with me the 7 months your little body could manage. Can't wait to meet you! 

Love you to the moon, 

Your Mama 

Wednesday last year

Wednesday last year was the 5th and so even though tomorrow will be the date we celebrate Embers little life on earth, today is the day that is bringing up emotions in me. 

Scared to let go-

Feeling watched-

Feeling scared-

Pressured to preform- 

Scared of seeing my baby-

Things I never planned on feeling in a delivery situation... Never thought I would be on the brinks of buckling under the pressure to have a c-section... But my pitocin levels were getting to the max and I "wasn't progressing" (even though, of course I was). 

Scared. 

Weak. 

Drained.

Pretty soon (if you've placed yourself back in time a year with me) my lovely midwife/doula will suggest a bath as a last resort before c-section. I'll slide into the bath and into another world. It's dark, I'm finally alone. It's quiet. I can do this. An hour later I'll have my baby before the midwife can properly glove up (ha, not progressing my tushy). 

Still too afraid to see my baby. Asking my mom for details..." What is it???" I ask, A girl! A beautiful girl" "Ember Rose, I say "her name is Ember Rose." my mom encourages me to see my "beautiful baby girl". Perfectly formed the way God intended. (Spitting image of her dad)... 

We spend "all the time we want" with her. We weren't pressured to leave ever but honestly how could hours ever be all the time we need?

Hellos.

Pictures.

Holdings.

Goodbyes.

My Nana (aka great grandma aka Rose) passed away yesterday. My daughter (Ember Rose, named after her) a year ago today (except really the 5th, for some reason the day in the week has been more impact-full in my memories than the "date"). How fitting that our family should honor and remember two such beautiful (polar opposites on the age range scale) souls in the same week. 

I love(d) them both...

<3

Memories of last year

A year ago today I stayed home from church to hang out with my mom, little sister, and baby brother because they were about to make the long trek home. Mom and I got to talking about the baby inside me and how I hadn't felt it much lately. Mom and I both tried to hear the baby's heart and I tried everything to get baby to move. I called my husband whom was at church and he got someone to fill his spot so he could take me to see our midwife just to make sure. I felt silly and like I was going to look like a paranoid first time mom. I prayed the whole way there (45 minute drive) that baby would move and we could call our midwife and cancel. We got to our midwife (she was helping with a class away from her office) so in a back room on the ground she tried to hear with a fetalscope, then with a Doppler. After quite a while she calmly said something like "we should go to the hospital and get an ultrasound, just because I can't find it doesn't mean bad news. Don't worry yet." She called the midwives at the hospital and we all 3 loaded into my car to drive to the hospital (Aaron Shust was playing in the background). We got to the hospital and they also tried to hear with a Doppler then a ultrasound. I'll never ever forget the feeling of hearing the words I so dreaded "I'm sorry, there's no heart beat". Husband and I fell into each others Arms. I remember calling out loud to God, asking Him "why?" and saying "please God no!". 

By Gods careful planing my mom was still in town and was with me as soon as she could be. That night and the days ahead feel like a dream, or a movie I was watching of someone else's life. Sometimes I still don't believe I really experienced it but I do have proof, however limited it may be. 

Working on a shadow box for her in honor of her one year anniversary in Heaven.