I woke up to a message from a parent about the fact that the chapel message I shared yesterday had really sunk in with their child which really blessed my heart (I had been nervous and felt ill prepared to share with all those young eternal souls, but I'm so glad I didn't say NO!)
My students all did well on tests (proud teacher moment!).
I was able to get some lesson planning done and set myself up to be prepared for next week (score!).
Lastly, it was ART day today (every Friday I teach Art at my school).
Anywho...those are all ingredients to a good day and the start of a good weekend.
Then driving home, listening to a song that Ember and I used to jam out to in the car, I broke down (emotionally). I started sobbing. I missed my baby. I hated everyone who didn't have to give their baby[ies] back like I did. I got confused all over again. I got angry all over again. And I didn't have anyone to talk to. It's the same old story. I know people are sick of it. I know people don't know how to relate or what to say, so I shut up. I wipe off my tears and I put a smile on my face and I finish my day.
The truth is, I love my job, I love my house, I love my pets, they are all great distractions. But what I really want is my baby. I can't get over wanting to have a room full of her toys and clothes (instead of two spare rooms with just crap in them).
I can't get over the fact that all my stupid pictures of my dogs/house/cat/self could be (should be, in my mind) of my children. I can't get over the fact that I should be teaching MY child...she would be 2 and 4 months right now... what would she be learning? I don't even want to think about it...
I can't stop feeling betrayed by my body.
I can't stop wondering, why?
I can't handle the constant reminders EVERYWHERE.
I can't handle feeling that I'm not able to relate to ANYONE in life right now..
And yet as I type this there comes a silent nudging...
He knows.
"the Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:14
So, I'm gonna go be silent for awhile now.
<3
