3 years ago... Begging for that baby to move.
3 years ago... Hopes and dreams shattered into billions of pieces in that hospital room.
We didn't know, at this point, that our baby was a girl. We didn't find that out until three days later at her birth. I'm so glad we named her Ember, a name that you see everywhere because it's not just a name. It's in almost every book I read. I love that she's brought to mind so often.
Pregnancy after loss has its many highs and lows. Overcoming milestones is frightening. Even though I've been told many times that this baby is healthy I still worry. Even as I type this my baby tries to tell me, with every movement, that's he's ok. But I still worry he might have a day like "today".
I feel guilt. Guilt that I'm "moving on" (though I never will) moving on to perhaps being a mom to a living baby. Something I couldn't do for Ember.
I read somewhere about someone's experience with loss that they thought about how they would want their mom to feel if they died. How would I want my mom to feel? I wouldn't want the rest of my siblings to be less loved or celebrated because I died... And so I try to celebrate her and him. Differently but the same.
Today I mourn that dreaded day three years ago. That day that took part of me and defined my life differently than I ever imagined. But I'll look forward to celebrating Ember on the 5th in whatever way we decide to celebrate her this year.
I am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing "today" and Ember with us.
<3
ReplyDeleteCelebrating Ember is a beautiful way to keep moving forward. Her loss can't be understood by those that are not you. She is your baby girl and no other children, or time will change that, or the fact she is not here with you today. Grief has no time limit nor does love. I think it is beautiful you continue to love your daughter Ember and remember her each year. She is part of you just as your son is.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the loss of your little Ember. I haven't had a stillbirth but I've had multiple first trimester losses. I felt that guilt. It's a hard place to be in. Wishing the child you lost was still there, but knowing, or wondering, if that happened would you still have the child you currently have? So excited for the new life, so guilty about being excited to mother someone else. What you're feeling is very normal. The thing about love is, you really do just multiply it. You will have enough love to love them both more than life itself. You will have the strength to mother them both in the different ways they need mothering. And you'll never forget her, even when he's here. There is healing in having a healthy living child, but never fear. They don't replace their siblings. They just expand our hearts.
ReplyDeleteThere are going to be so many days like today, so many moments that you'll have to mourn all over again. It never goes away, but it does get easier. Cherishing your younger children doesn't take away from the life that you created before they were conceived. Bless you and have a better tomorrow, and each day thereafter.
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