38 weeks

I'm currently 38 weeks along in my pregnancy. 6 weeks further than Ember ever lived. As birth creeps up on me I feel an unavoidable anxiety of how/what/when. I was induced with Ember and I'm not being induced this time. I feel almost like this is my first birth, though it isn't. I don't know what to expect and yet, I know all too well what to expect. I'm anxious to meet my baby and yet, afraid of what that will do to Embers memory. This whole pregnancy I have, maybe not expected, but known and planned that something bad could happen at any time... now that I'm getting closer to his birthday I don't know how to expect "normal". I know something could still happen, but normal could happen too.
We had maternity photos done this last weekend. Ember never got those.
We included her bear in the photos and I'm so glad we did. I think Ember would want me to be happy. In my mind being sad, feeling the feelings of missing her is what keeps her around. I know its possible to over come the sadness and look back with joy but I'm struggling these last few days.
Pray for me, as Emerson prepares to join us, pray that I let go of the sadness and cherish her memory in a happy way. Pray that I learn how to enjoy all my babies in their own unique way knowing that I'm not forgetting or loving the ones in heaven any less.

My birth instructor told us yesterday that we have helped her, in our openness,  know more what bereaved parents are dealing with and she is making strides to include it more in the course. <3 I love knowing that our pain might be able to help someone down the road and all along I have aimed to be open so that others might have a better understanding and grieving parents might not feel so alone.

If Ember were with us she'd be so excited to have a little brother and we join her in that excitement, we're just a little timid as we walk this path to parenthood of a living baby (God willing).
Love to you all,
Thank you for keeping us lifted in prayers throughout.

Photo Credit: Stephanie Jones Photography   

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