Memories of last year

A year ago today I stayed home from church to hang out with my mom, little sister, and baby brother because they were about to make the long trek home. Mom and I got to talking about the baby inside me and how I hadn't felt it much lately. Mom and I both tried to hear the baby's heart and I tried everything to get baby to move. I called my husband whom was at church and he got someone to fill his spot so he could take me to see our midwife just to make sure. I felt silly and like I was going to look like a paranoid first time mom. I prayed the whole way there (45 minute drive) that baby would move and we could call our midwife and cancel. We got to our midwife (she was helping with a class away from her office) so in a back room on the ground she tried to hear with a fetalscope, then with a Doppler. After quite a while she calmly said something like "we should go to the hospital and get an ultrasound, just because I can't find it doesn't mean bad news. Don't worry yet." She called the midwives at the hospital and we all 3 loaded into my car to drive to the hospital (Aaron Shust was playing in the background). We got to the hospital and they also tried to hear with a Doppler then a ultrasound. I'll never ever forget the feeling of hearing the words I so dreaded "I'm sorry, there's no heart beat". Husband and I fell into each others Arms. I remember calling out loud to God, asking Him "why?" and saying "please God no!". 

By Gods careful planing my mom was still in town and was with me as soon as she could be. That night and the days ahead feel like a dream, or a movie I was watching of someone else's life. Sometimes I still don't believe I really experienced it but I do have proof, however limited it may be. 

Working on a shadow box for her in honor of her one year anniversary in Heaven.

Missing kicks

A year ago today I felt my baby move for the last time... I can't remember if it was in the car ride home from her baby shower or at a bonfire that night. I guess I didn't really pay much attention cause I thought there would be so many more to feel. I regret that. I regret not savoring each tiny movement I could. I loved feeling her move, I cherished it. Some how I feel like I could have savored it more had i known it would have been taken so quickly from me. 

If I could tell pregnant women one thing it would be to savor and appreciate those movements and feelings... Only you can feel that baby so intimately. 

Maybe one of the saddest things about an unknown future is the possibility of never feeling that again. 

I can't believe it's almost been a year. 

Reflecting

A year ago today I was anxiously awaiting my baby shower with all my great friends. Mom, little sister, and baby brother drove 18 hours to be a part of it/help host it. We were all tuckered out from a day shopping and preparing what we could. 

It's so weird trying to look back and remember how my "innocent" self felt. Plans and hopes for the future, excitement, nerves... Happiness. 

Ironically I remember being so nervous for everyone else that was pregnant along side me "I hope their pregnancies go well" or "I hope their baby is healthy" I thought those things because; wouldn't I'd be horrible to be pregnant along side so many friends and loose your baby or have something go wrong? Little did I know in just a few short days I'd be the one hearing those life changing words. 

Weird how life goes so opposite of what we "plan" sometimes.

I scrapbooked the few pictures I have of Embers time on earth. Not enough to fill a scrap book or a baby book and yet such a huge part of my life... 

Progress. Or maybe a random "strong" day

It happened again today. I was treated to a pedicure (which was amazing and relaxing) and during her small talk conversation she asked if I had children, I responded with "not living" and she said she was sorry but guess what? I didn't cry! I had a tiny tear in my eye but not even enough to wipe away or try to hide. Then later when she said it was funny I picked the same color I was able to say "ever since my daughter died I've done my nails this color" with out tears. Since this is so close to Embers earthly birth anniversary I was surprised at my ability to do this. 

I'm thankful, though, that I was able to talk about her somewhat without crying. 

Ember toes. 

~ missing my baby ~

Mother's Day

Here I sit on the eve of Mother's Day doing some contemplating. "What is the perfect thing to say to a grieving mama on Mother's Day?" I ask myself and I'm left a little confused myself... You see tomorrow wont be a "happy" Mother's Day for me I won't want to hear that I know. 

I'm sad that this day is tainted, I've always enjoyed showing my mom extra appreciation on Mother's Day, but tomorrow I will be hiding from the world. And that's ok. My phone will be off, I'll not be on the Internet, I'll not be interacting with people much. 

Tomorrow is a "happy" Remembrance Day for me, a "happy" hopeful day for me. Though I'm imagining tomorrow I won't FEEL very happy I know there are babies waiting for me in heaven and there is a hope that there are living children in my future. I can and I will try to be thankful tomorrow. 

So something I would say to women who have lost (baby/children/or their own mom)? Happy remembrance day! 

To women who are having trouble conceiving? Happy hopeful day! 

But above all loss Mamas and women who want to be mamas let's not forget it is a Happy Mother's Day because all of us wouldn't be here if it wasn't for a mama... 

Issues

This past week or so has brought up a lot of bubbling emotions... Lets just say it's been rough. 

I've been battling with a lot of things, one that I'd like to release and get out "on paper" is this: losing my daughter changed friendships. You've probably heard that losing a baby is so much more than losing a child. It's loosing dreams, plans, hopes etc. but what I've struggled with lately is it changed a lot of friendships... I think mostly because it changed me. But partially I think it's because some people don't know how or what to say (and rightfully so because I don't even know what I would want people to do or say). 

Also Easter was this weekend, it should have been Ember's first instead I found myself taking pictures of a puppy (we recently got a puppy if you didn't know) and while often I'm happy with our puppy, on Easter I found myself resenting the fact that I was taking pictures of a puppy and not my baby's first Easter. 

The last thing I want to vent is. Mother's Day is coming soon and guess what? I'm gonna come right out and say it.. I HATE the thought of what that day is gonna be like. I might punch someone in the face if they wish me a happy mothers day or I might punch someone if they totally ignore the fact that I had two babies. So perhaps i will delete my Facebook for the weekend, hide in my bed that Sunday and throw my phone off a cliff that way no one can offended me either way. 

I cry every time I think about it and yet here it comes ready or not..and soon after that is the one year date... Ugh, emotions beware, I'm beginning to think this might be a lot harder than all the other milestones so far. 

Thankful

This morning one of my best friends text me told me that her and her husband were talking about my Ember Rose last night. It made me so happy to know that they think of her and what it would have been like for our babies to grow up together (I'm pretty sure they would have gotten married *wink wink*).

I was happy/touched all day. So thankful for friends who pray for me regularly and support me in many different ways. God is good.