Today I was texting one of my best friends when all of a sudden my soul just started pouring out tons of stuff that has been festering inside of me. Struggles and burdens I've been dealing with. 

She challenged me (without even really meaning to) to find things to be thankful for. Some of you might remember I was doing that awhile back but in the past month or so stopped the "habit". I have a lot to be thankful for. So I'm going to try again...

Today I'm thankful for 

1-best friends

2-the mind that God gave me and the ability to use my mind and hands together to create things

3-my family making it home safely (even though in haven't seen them yet)

4-texting :) 

Winter

Last night the Internet was down, it was super cold, we had already played a board game, and husband and I were emotional. But since we couldn't escape to a show on Netflix we talked about our feelings, reminisced about Ember, and discussed how life is different than we planned/hoped. 

It was good for us. 

No we don't hide from our emotions all the time by watching Netflix. I just feel like we might have last night had the option been available. 

Today it's cold (for here) and I was complaining to myself thinking "it's been cold/winter forever!" [Midwest friends don't judge] but then I realized, it's been EMOTIONALLY winter for 7+ months THAT'S the issue. I'm ready for my emotional SPRING! And I feel like it's slowly coming. I'm thankful for that. 

Long post!

Here I go, about to pour my heart out to a blank screen because I just need someone to listen. I'm not looking for advice, or condolences, or well meaning words. I just want someone to hear my pain/my heart. And that's what this screen will do, listen. 

One of my favorite things about being pregnant is never being alone. Always having someone right there with me. 

The loneliness is overwhelming when that is taken from you. The emptiness, rather. 

Husband and I said goodbye to baby #2 last week.

Such a strange mix of emotions. Before I lost the baby I was sad and burdened for Ember at times. I wanted Ember to know I wasn't forgetting about her even though I was excited for a new hope. But I was excited and I was confident in this pregnancy, it was going great no signs of losing this one. 

But it happened.

Losing a baby so early on was completely different, I think my emotions are just now catching up with me. 

We knew better this time then to use phrases like "when the baby comes" instead we used "if this baby lives". But there was still a peace I had, this was my unexpected rainbow baby, I thought. 

I used to think it unfair that women get to be the pregnant ones, carry the baby, and then feed the baby. But after losing two babies I think it unfair that the woman has every physical task in having babies and even more unfair that some women have to be reminded daily, physically that there was a baby growing inside of them and then quite painfully and unexpectedly there isn't any more and you're left with a healing body, empty arms, and a broken heart. Each cramp of your body restoring itself to "prebaby" a painful reminder.

I'm sad this time too but it's different. It's even more dream like than Ember because this one was so early. With this baby we have no gender, no name, no kicks, no stories. Nothing tangible. 

But... In all of this, I'm ready to start "paying it forward". I had a great support team and so many blessings and tangible gifts to remember her by while in the hospital with Ember. I'm hoping  to put together care packages for hospitals... If you have any unique ideas of things you or someone you know received after losing a baby that was a great comfort to them message me and I'll consider putting it my care package. I'm excited to start! 

I heard this song today and re-fell in love with it... Something Beautiful 

        In your ocean, I'm ankle deep

     I feel the waves crashin' on my feet

       It's like I know where I need to be

     But I can't figure out, yeah I can't     

                       figure out

  Just how much air I will need to breathe

       When your tide rushes over me

       There's only one way to figure out

               Will ya let me drown, 

                will ya let me drown

            Hey now, this is my desire

             Consume me like a fire,

                 'cause I just want 

     something beautiful To touch me,                

               I know that I'm in reach

        'Cause I am down on my knees,

       I'm waiting for something beautiful

            Oh, something beautiful

                -NEEDTOBREATH-

Our tree

Today I took down our Christmas tree because it was sooo dry and dad had a burn pile going out at our place anyway. I had my brother cut a bit of the trunk off for me to save (husband and I did that with our first tree too). I didn't really pay much attention to it, set it aside to dry but then I picked it up to put it with my Christmas stuff and noticed something 

It has a perfect heart in the middle of it... Our tree gave us an empty nest for Ember and a heart stump for us to remember all the love we experienced this year and how our marriage grew too. 

What a blessing this tree was to me! Thank you, God, for another reminder from your creation just for me. 

Made it!

First Christmas dealing with grief and we made it through! 

We stayed the night at my parents house and all of us kids pulled out mattresses/sleeping bags and had a huge camp out (so we can all wake up at the same time) like we have every year for as long as I can remember. I'm grateful Husband doesn't think it's weird and participates in our tradition :) 

We had a great day. 

I didn't come up with anything special to do for Ember... But I will work on ideas for next year. 

I'm reassured so often that we made the right choice moving when we did. I'm thankful to be around my family. 

Thank you for your goodness to us, God! We are blessed. 

Ember's first Christmas ornament

Yay! Today it finally came!

With our baby registry we got a shutterfly gift card (for birth announcement or baby shower invites) but since I couldn't use it that way I chose to make a shutterfly Christmas ornament. Her first, and likely, only ornament. 

I was nervous it wouldn't make it on time but it came today! In time to put on the tree. 

Baby's first Christmas, in heaven with the one we celebrate today. 

Miss you, baby girl. Merry Christmas!

Xo

It's been awhile

It's been awhile. Holidays, little sisters birthday, and crafting has taken up a lot of my time lately (and all the available episodes of Alaska the Last Frontier on Netflix). I have been denying my self time to grieve by pushing it aside or distracting myself with other things. Well, I fear that recently it's catching up with me (probably doesn't help that I have a cold and can't sleep well). 

I miss my baby. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm fearful. 

I'm sad when I realize I'm not sad and sometimes I'm sad about being sad. I think sometimes I worry that if I'm not sad that means I'm forgetting Ember, or "getting over" her and that breaks my heart. Though I know it's not true, I know I'll always remember her and have a place for her...it saddens me that I go more and more days with being ok or not dwelling on losing her. 

This time last year Husband and I were secretly planning how next year would be our baby's first Christmas. And yet, here we find ourselves at Christmas time and no baby's first Christmas.