Happy birthday, baby girl

Just a note to say, happy 3rd birthday in heaven, Ember Rose. You grew us in ways we didn't know were possible and changed us into people we never thought about being. We miss you daily but know you're much happier than we can imagine. 

The rain held off just long enough for us to release balloons at your birth time.

3 years ago we held you for the first time and let you go forever. So much to experience in just a few short hours when we were hoping for a lifetime. 

Xo missing you always. 

That day

3 years, today, since "no heartbeat". Here I sit thinking back to that day, even week, while a new life jiggles and wiggles inside me. 

3 years ago... Begging for that baby to move. 

3 years ago... Hopes and dreams shattered into billions of pieces in that hospital room. 

We didn't know, at this point, that our baby was a girl. We didn't find that out until three days later at her birth. I'm so glad we named her Ember, a name that you see everywhere because it's not just a name. It's in almost every book I read. I love that she's brought to mind so often. 

Pregnancy after loss has its many highs and lows. Overcoming milestones is frightening. Even though I've been told many times that this baby is healthy I still worry. Even as I type this my baby tries to tell me, with every movement, that's he's ok. But I still worry he might have a day like "today".

I feel guilt. Guilt that I'm "moving on" (though I never will) moving on to perhaps being a mom to a living baby. Something I couldn't do for Ember. 

I read somewhere about someone's experience with loss that they thought about how they would want their mom to feel if they died. How would I want my mom to feel? I wouldn't want the rest of my siblings to be less loved or celebrated because I died... And so I try to celebrate her and him. Differently but the same.

Today I mourn that dreaded day three years ago. That day that took part of me and defined my life differently than I ever imagined. But I'll look forward to celebrating Ember on the 5th in whatever way we decide to celebrate her this year. 

29 weeks

Ember's birthday is in less than two weeks. How does this day sneak up on me so quickly? 

I've been dealing with a lot of guilt and sadness about her lately, though trying to stay mostly positive for Emerson's sake. This means in 3 (ish) weeks I will be the furthest along in a pregnancy that I've ever been. That is terrifying. 

I still haven't decided what to do to honor her this year. It's so hard balancing grief/joy/anticipation/Apprehension all at the same time. 

I know these next few weeks and months are going to be just as hard on me as the first weeks were. Wondering what each day will hold for our little family. 

Trying to look forward to holding a living baby is so hard when the last baby you held was your lifeless baby girl. Nothing is promised... 

 Corrie Ten Boom — 'Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.'

Truth. 

Trying to remember any child I may ever have is not mine... 

Trying to remember there is beauty in ashes...

Trying to remember my plans are not the best plans... 

Trying. 

Then and now

Today on time hop this picture showed up... 

Apparently there aren't any pictures of me alone lately. Haha

This picture was taken when I was about as far along with Ember as I am now with Emerson. All my babies have had due dates within weeks of each other so stages and milestones coincide. 

Looking at pictures of me before my world turned upside down makes me sad. I am so not the person I was then... And I doubt I'll ever see her again.

Life is weird.

10,000 reasons

We sang 10,000 reasons today in church. 

I've written about this song before (and this probably won't be the last time I write about it). 

"The sun comes up it's a new day dawning, it's time to sing your song again, whatEVER may pass, and whatEVER lies before me... Let me be singing when the evening comes.

Bless the Lord O' my soul..."

Do you realize, while you're singing those words, the future of THAT day could hold something drastic in it? Your baby could die or your spouse. Some other loved one. You could be in a severe accident that leaves you paralyzed for life. You could find out someone close to you has cancer... 

Will you be able to sing "bless the Lord" after something like that happens? 

That song ALWAYS makes me think and I hope it makes you think too. Don't just follow along with the words... 

It's hard for me to sing those words because I don't know what could happen at the end of any day. Trusting is hard. Even when you know God has a plan for it all. After your world has turned upside down you realize how anything can happen to anyone at anytime. 

I've been there before and I have faith that if/when I'm ever there again these words will be brought to the front of my mind...

"Bless the Lord O' my soul,

 O' my soul, 

worship His holy name,

Sing like never before,

O' my soul,

I'll worship your holy name."

Courage

 I've been avoiding this post for a long time now but I don't think I can avoid it much longer.

Scanning Pinterest, trying to unwind from my week, I saw this. 

And I thought to myself "this needs to be my motto". Then I decided to look up courage for the EXACT definition...

cour·age

ˈkərij/

noun

noun: courage

1. the ability to do something that frightens one.

   "she called on all her courage to face the ordeal"

   • strength in the face of pain or grief.

     "he fought his illness with great courage"

     synonyms:

     bravery, courageousness, pluck, pluckiness, valor, fearlessness, intrepidity, nerve, daring, audacity, boldness, grit, true grit, hardihood, heroism, gallantry;  informalguts, spunk, moxie, cojones, balls "the courage of firefighters is just awesome"

     antonyms:

     cowardice

     
     

     "Strength in the face of pain or grief."

     "The ability to do something that frightens one."

     
     

     Yup, this will be my motto 

     for the next 5 months (and probably long after).

     See, I didn't intend on sharing this news on social media because of the heart break that this type of news has caused me over and over and over again. I don't know how many people (including people dearest to my heart) I have "unfollowed" on social media because I can't handle this news. 

     And the LAST thing I want to do is cause that pain to someone else...even though I know from experience it's not ME causing the pain. So with tears in my eyes and a humble spirit I ask you to forgive me if my news hurts you like I've been hurt before. That's not my intent.

      My intent is to let you all in on the continuation of my path that started with Ember. I suppose I can't involve you all for two years of grief and not include you on the rest of my journey.  

     Nothing is for sure, I don't EVER count my chickens (or eggs?) before they hatch anymore because I KNOW that "plans" can change in an instant. But what I also know is I have a miracle happening inside me... And whether that miracle lives on earth or gets to bypass this sinful/broken/hurtful earth and go straight to heaven I need to enjoy every moment I have. And rejoice in the fact that I get to have a life in me again after 2 years of infertility.

     This is a scary, nerve wracking path I'm on. I still deal with grief often and I anticipate that for the rest of my life. This is not my first baby.

     I've been here before... And I know what can happen. People tell me all the time this time it will be different but... My due date is only weeks apart and many don't know what can happen like I do. God doesn't promise healthy living babies.

      

     So now you know. I'm 16 weeks along and soon we will know if this baby has what Ember had. 

     I'd appreciate it if you would not give me fluffy words and if you not ask many questions. I'll share what I want to share as I have the strength to. 

     ❤️

     P.S if this news hurts you try to remember, I know that pain and I completely understand if you "unfollow" me. Take care of you. ❤️

Bitter

The other day my brother and I went to see our friends do a show.

On the drive home he played a song called "Bitter" and all the words were hitting a nerve deep within me but this line has stuck with me since... 

"Sometimes things just happen in life that don't make any sense, but, bitterness is a choice" 

See, I've been dealing with bitterness for a large portion of my sailing in the ocean of grief. I don't really know when I started  letting bitterness  steer me but it's been a struggle to not let it just take over completely. 

Bitterness is a choice...

It's so much easier for me to be bitter than it is for me to find the positive and growth. 

It's a struggle trying to take back over the battle between bitterness and joy... I know it's a long road but this song gives me a bit of gumption to try... 

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/andymineo/bitter.html