Achy heart

Grief is very odd right now...

I feel like I'm living in a two faced state of being... I smile, I laugh, I live life... But something inside always aches. Some days more than others. 

Today would be an achy breaky heart day. 

Something can easily trigger me.. A photo, a thread online, a story, etc And I'm back to square one. 

Here's the thing though, I don't even know if I will post this because, no I don't want to talk about it, and no I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't like being the person people have to tip toe around because you could hurt my feelings..

I really feel a sense of not belonging right now. I have babies but I don't have children... I should be a stay at home mommy. I should be teaching my 1 1/2 year old all the exciting things of life... 

Life is not at all going how I expected it to. 

It sucks. It's hard. It's not fair. 

And yet this is where I am. 

"Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain"

I hope some day I'll know why I'm in this "rain".

Remembering

It's very strange some days, for me at least, to think "I had a baby (speaking of Ember since I felt her move, heard her heart multiple times, and held her little self in my arms)". A lot of the time honestly it feels like maybe a movie I watched or a really well written book I read that made me feel part of it... Or maybe a dream. I struggle with selfish things at times too. For example "it would be easier to not remember" because honestly, some days go by and (though I never forget about Ember) I don't dwell on the fact she's not here. Yes it's hard when people catch you off guard with hurtful comments or painful questions. Yes it's sometimes hard when I hear of babies her (supposed to be) age and what they're accomplishing. But a lot of days pass with out sad memories, but then days when I'm expected to remember I actually sit back and re-live moments... Emotions... Horrible feelings and I think "maybe I don't want to remember".

But I will continue to participate in things to remember her, so others don't forget, so awareness is raised, so that her little life is continued to be meaningful.  

Perhaps there will come a Remembrance Day when I can think more about the positive memories... That's what I'll strive for.

Life is good...

...sometimes I forget that. Most the times actually. I find something to complain about, something to worry about, something to be angry about. In reality, my life isn't [that] bad.

Today it rained. No, it poured. It was beautiful. 

I journaled in my Bible. I enjoyed it.

I made my husband a treat because he's working so hard. Because I love him and he loves when I think of him.

Delicious smells are coming from my kitchen (Indian food). God showers us with many good gifts.

Life is good. 

Tomorrow I could forget it, but today I'm enjoying it.

Soul searching

I'm dealing with a lot of raw emotions again. I think, after soul searching, these emotions are coming from some hidden hope I had that "one year" would make a difference. And you know? It did in a lot of ways. I was able to nanny all summer which led to me being able to accept a full time job this school year (something I definitely didn't have strength for any sooner), I've made progress with being AROUND (still not holding) babies, and many other things. But these last few weeks I've started sliding back down hill at a fast pace. As I said before I think I've identified it to having high hopes of feeling better after a year... I guess it's going to take longer. 

Things aren't how I planned/hoped/dreamed they would be and you know, I don't think they ever will. I'm not saying that pessimistically I'm saying it realist-y. 

That realization doesn't help my (sometimes overwhelming) sadness. It just helps me realize I have a lot more work to do... Anger, disappointment, jealousy, bitterness, and sadness to work through. 

Add to all this, all the news of Christian persecution (nothing new I know but way more talked about lately), the continued battle for the end to murdering babies, and the sudden posts of suicide and depression... How does one find joy in such a dark and depressing world? 

Sometimes you don't feel like a city on a hill. 

Missing them

I'm always telling my little sister to be happy with what she has. Example, she says "I want to stay at my best friends house all day" to which I respond "you just spent all morning with her, be appreciative of what you have!"

Maybe I should start telling myself that and let my sister be a kid. 

One of my dear friends visited me this weekend and I find myself wanting ALL of my friend family back in Iowa. Selfish.

I want things when it's obviously not my time to have them. I'm not sure why I want them but I do.  

Why can't I be happy with what God has given me? 

Selfish.

I keep coming back to that quote something like "remember the things you have now are once things you wished you had" I can't remember how it goes and frankly I don't care enough right now to look up the quote. I'm trying to be thankful for what I have. Sometimes it's hard to be satisfied when it feels like so many people have what you want. 

Right now I miss my dear friends. Miss the relationships that we had pre-still birth. Miss the closeness that we all shared. The ability to just be us. 

Movie theaters

Tonight we went to a movie in the theater. Now I'll be honest with you, I have a slight fear of movie theaters (ever since the shooting in Colorado). I know most of you will just roll your eyes at me or say "that's dumb, do you know the chances of that happening to you?" Well guess what, it doesn't matter I still have a nervousness. Mix that in with not liking crowds, not liking to pay 9.75 or whatever a ticket costs these days, and the slight guilty feeling of wasting 2 hours watching a movie. 

Tonight, in our row, but the opposite side, a young guy had a seizure during the movie. At first of course no one knew what was going on and panic ensued. Someone jumped out of her seat and ran past us crying, someone jumped over a seat and then shortly someone yelled seizure and a nurse in the theater went over to help him while someone ran and got the cop on duty and others called 911. It was a very eventful probably 2-5 minutes of panic and unknown-ness (meanwhile the movie is still rolling and the lights are still dimmed). I sat by, unable to do anything feeling somewhat helpless and realized "I can Pray!" So that's what I did! 

The young man started relaxing and coming back to as the EMS got there and they wheeled him out, I'm pretty sure he'll be ok. 

What an eventful movie showing, I think I'm done with theaters. 

Life is beautiful

Why is it so hard for people to see the beauty in life? 

And furthermore how can people deny a Creator? 

I LOVE studying living things. I love marveling at how everything is perfectly CREATED to work in just a way that causes said living thing to live. 

From the life cycle of a worm to the development of a baby in utero it's all BEAUTIFUL and causes my heart to worship my God, The Creator of LIFE. I pray that you, dear reader, know and worship with me tonight the Creator of Beauty... The Creator of Life! 

Anxiously waiting for this beauty to appear!