The last time my body felt like this

The last time my body felt like this, I went home with empty arms. This time they're oh so full of love. 

The last time my body felt like this, I had no baby to give my milk. This time my body continues to amaze me as I provide nutrients to my baby.

The last time my body felt like this, sleep was my only relief. This time sleep is sparse but I don't even care. 

The last time my body felt like this, I longed to hear a cry. This time my baby's  cry is a continuous reminder, this baby is alive.

The last time my body felt like this, I felt betrayed by a broken body. This time I am thankful for the miracle that proves my body is just fine. 

The last time my body felt like this, the mirror reflected defeat. This time the mirror reflects hope. 

The last time my body felt like this the marks on my body reminded me of a battle fought with, mind, body, and soul. This time... Nothing's changed. 

(Tape residue and an IV stick wound)

The last time my body felt like this I mourned because my baby died. This time I rejoice because my baby is alive. 

We'll always miss you, Ember. 

Thank you

Today I got more baby love in the mail 😊❤️

Then I was reminded of this post that I've wanted to write for awhile now. A post giving my heartfelt "thank you" to everyone that has prayed for us, sent us gifts, given us gift cards, and expressed your love to us in different ways. We didn't have a "shower" this time, but we have most definitely been showered and it warms my heart. Even when I haven't been able to go to showers of other mamas or greet a newborn as easily as others, you have all shown grace to me and I am so thankful. 

This past weekend Husband took me out for dinner for my birthday and right behind him was a brand spankin' new baby. This was the first time in 3+ years that I've been able to look at a newborn and not be flooded with a cocktail of mixed emotions. 

3 years I've been dealing with loss and infertility and for the first time I'm feeling ok about babies and pregnant women. Now, I realize this is not an ideal way to handle what I've been through but the fact that you all have loved me through it amazes me. 

So thank you, all of you. Thank you for your excitement and thank you for your love. 

-Vanessa

Ps I'm aware that I'm not "in the clear" I know this baby could be taken from me at any moment because he's not mine he's Gods... But, that doesn't change the fact that I am thankful right now and wishing to express that ❤️

38 weeks

I'm currently 38 weeks along in my pregnancy. 6 weeks further than Ember ever lived. As birth creeps up on me I feel an unavoidable anxiety of how/what/when. I was induced with Ember and I'm not being induced this time. I feel almost like this is my first birth, though it isn't. I don't know what to expect and yet, I know all too well what to expect. I'm anxious to meet my baby and yet, afraid of what that will do to Embers memory. This whole pregnancy I have, maybe not expected, but known and planned that something bad could happen at any time... now that I'm getting closer to his birthday I don't know how to expect "normal". I know something could still happen, but normal could happen too.
We had maternity photos done this last weekend. Ember never got those.
We included her bear in the photos and I'm so glad we did. I think Ember would want me to be happy. In my mind being sad, feeling the feelings of missing her is what keeps her around. I know its possible to over come the sadness and look back with joy but I'm struggling these last few days.
Pray for me, as Emerson prepares to join us, pray that I let go of the sadness and cherish her memory in a happy way. Pray that I learn how to enjoy all my babies in their own unique way knowing that I'm not forgetting or loving the ones in heaven any less.

My birth instructor told us yesterday that we have helped her, in our openness,  know more what bereaved parents are dealing with and she is making strides to include it more in the course. <3 I love knowing that our pain might be able to help someone down the road and all along I have aimed to be open so that others might have a better understanding and grieving parents might not feel so alone.

If Ember were with us she'd be so excited to have a little brother and we join her in that excitement, we're just a little timid as we walk this path to parenthood of a living baby (God willing).
Love to you all,
Thank you for keeping us lifted in prayers throughout.

Photo Credit: Stephanie Jones Photography   

For info on your own memory bear visit
http://mollybears.com/

Affirmations

We just finished child birthing classes this weekend. Every class the instructor would ask "what are your affirmations?" Or "how are you doing with affirmations?" Honestly, having a stillbirth in my past (and a miscarriage too) makes me aprehensive to put any belief into most birth affirmations out there. Today I took some time to write down a few that I do believe.

Gonna stick these babies up throughout my house and continue to think positively. ❤️

32 weeks

Today Emerson is 32 weeks old.

That means I'm a couple days he will be older than his big sister ever got the chance to be. 

That means in a few days I will be the furthest along in a pregnancy that I have ever been. 

That means soon I will be in uncharted territory with no milestones to cross (except labor and delivery). 

This is an emotional week. Pray for me, please. 

Happy birthday, baby girl

Just a note to say, happy 3rd birthday in heaven, Ember Rose. You grew us in ways we didn't know were possible and changed us into people we never thought about being. We miss you daily but know you're much happier than we can imagine. 

The rain held off just long enough for us to release balloons at your birth time.

3 years ago we held you for the first time and let you go forever. So much to experience in just a few short hours when we were hoping for a lifetime. 

Xo missing you always. 

That day

3 years, today, since "no heartbeat". Here I sit thinking back to that day, even week, while a new life jiggles and wiggles inside me. 

3 years ago... Begging for that baby to move. 

3 years ago... Hopes and dreams shattered into billions of pieces in that hospital room. 

We didn't know, at this point, that our baby was a girl. We didn't find that out until three days later at her birth. I'm so glad we named her Ember, a name that you see everywhere because it's not just a name. It's in almost every book I read. I love that she's brought to mind so often. 

Pregnancy after loss has its many highs and lows. Overcoming milestones is frightening. Even though I've been told many times that this baby is healthy I still worry. Even as I type this my baby tries to tell me, with every movement, that's he's ok. But I still worry he might have a day like "today".

I feel guilt. Guilt that I'm "moving on" (though I never will) moving on to perhaps being a mom to a living baby. Something I couldn't do for Ember. 

I read somewhere about someone's experience with loss that they thought about how they would want their mom to feel if they died. How would I want my mom to feel? I wouldn't want the rest of my siblings to be less loved or celebrated because I died... And so I try to celebrate her and him. Differently but the same.

Today I mourn that dreaded day three years ago. That day that took part of me and defined my life differently than I ever imagined. But I'll look forward to celebrating Ember on the 5th in whatever way we decide to celebrate her this year. 

29 weeks

Ember's birthday is in less than two weeks. How does this day sneak up on me so quickly? 

I've been dealing with a lot of guilt and sadness about her lately, though trying to stay mostly positive for Emerson's sake. This means in 3 (ish) weeks I will be the furthest along in a pregnancy that I've ever been. That is terrifying. 

I still haven't decided what to do to honor her this year. It's so hard balancing grief/joy/anticipation/Apprehension all at the same time. 

I know these next few weeks and months are going to be just as hard on me as the first weeks were. Wondering what each day will hold for our little family. 

Trying to look forward to holding a living baby is so hard when the last baby you held was your lifeless baby girl. Nothing is promised... 

 Corrie Ten Boom — 'Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.'

Truth. 

Trying to remember any child I may ever have is not mine... 

Trying to remember there is beauty in ashes...

Trying to remember my plans are not the best plans... 

Trying. 

Then and now

Today on time hop this picture showed up... 

Apparently there aren't any pictures of me alone lately. Haha

This picture was taken when I was about as far along with Ember as I am now with Emerson. All my babies have had due dates within weeks of each other so stages and milestones coincide. 

Looking at pictures of me before my world turned upside down makes me sad. I am so not the person I was then... And I doubt I'll ever see her again.

Life is weird.

10,000 reasons

We sang 10,000 reasons today in church. 

I've written about this song before (and this probably won't be the last time I write about it). 

"The sun comes up it's a new day dawning, it's time to sing your song again, whatEVER may pass, and whatEVER lies before me... Let me be singing when the evening comes.

Bless the Lord O' my soul..."

Do you realize, while you're singing those words, the future of THAT day could hold something drastic in it? Your baby could die or your spouse. Some other loved one. You could be in a severe accident that leaves you paralyzed for life. You could find out someone close to you has cancer... 

Will you be able to sing "bless the Lord" after something like that happens? 

That song ALWAYS makes me think and I hope it makes you think too. Don't just follow along with the words... 

It's hard for me to sing those words because I don't know what could happen at the end of any day. Trusting is hard. Even when you know God has a plan for it all. After your world has turned upside down you realize how anything can happen to anyone at anytime. 

I've been there before and I have faith that if/when I'm ever there again these words will be brought to the front of my mind...

"Bless the Lord O' my soul,

 O' my soul, 

worship His holy name,

Sing like never before,

O' my soul,

I'll worship your holy name."

Courage

 I've been avoiding this post for a long time now but I don't think I can avoid it much longer.

Scanning Pinterest, trying to unwind from my week, I saw this. 

And I thought to myself "this needs to be my motto". Then I decided to look up courage for the EXACT definition...

cour·age

ˈkərij/

noun

noun: courage

1. the ability to do something that frightens one.

   "she called on all her courage to face the ordeal"

   • strength in the face of pain or grief.

     "he fought his illness with great courage"

     synonyms:

     bravery, courageousness, pluck, pluckiness, valor, fearlessness, intrepidity, nerve, daring, audacity, boldness, grit, true grit, hardihood, heroism, gallantry;  informalguts, spunk, moxie, cojones, balls "the courage of firefighters is just awesome"

     antonyms:

     cowardice

     
     

     "Strength in the face of pain or grief."

     "The ability to do something that frightens one."

     
     

     Yup, this will be my motto 

     for the next 5 months (and probably long after).

     See, I didn't intend on sharing this news on social media because of the heart break that this type of news has caused me over and over and over again. I don't know how many people (including people dearest to my heart) I have "unfollowed" on social media because I can't handle this news. 

     And the LAST thing I want to do is cause that pain to someone else...even though I know from experience it's not ME causing the pain. So with tears in my eyes and a humble spirit I ask you to forgive me if my news hurts you like I've been hurt before. That's not my intent.

      My intent is to let you all in on the continuation of my path that started with Ember. I suppose I can't involve you all for two years of grief and not include you on the rest of my journey.  

     Nothing is for sure, I don't EVER count my chickens (or eggs?) before they hatch anymore because I KNOW that "plans" can change in an instant. But what I also know is I have a miracle happening inside me... And whether that miracle lives on earth or gets to bypass this sinful/broken/hurtful earth and go straight to heaven I need to enjoy every moment I have. And rejoice in the fact that I get to have a life in me again after 2 years of infertility.

     This is a scary, nerve wracking path I'm on. I still deal with grief often and I anticipate that for the rest of my life. This is not my first baby.

     I've been here before... And I know what can happen. People tell me all the time this time it will be different but... My due date is only weeks apart and many don't know what can happen like I do. God doesn't promise healthy living babies.

      

     So now you know. I'm 16 weeks along and soon we will know if this baby has what Ember had. 

     I'd appreciate it if you would not give me fluffy words and if you not ask many questions. I'll share what I want to share as I have the strength to. 

     ❤️

     P.S if this news hurts you try to remember, I know that pain and I completely understand if you "unfollow" me. Take care of you. ❤️

Bitter

The other day my brother and I went to see our friends do a show.

On the drive home he played a song called "Bitter" and all the words were hitting a nerve deep within me but this line has stuck with me since... 

"Sometimes things just happen in life that don't make any sense, but, bitterness is a choice" 

See, I've been dealing with bitterness for a large portion of my sailing in the ocean of grief. I don't really know when I started  letting bitterness  steer me but it's been a struggle to not let it just take over completely. 

Bitterness is a choice...

It's so much easier for me to be bitter than it is for me to find the positive and growth. 

It's a struggle trying to take back over the battle between bitterness and joy... I know it's a long road but this song gives me a bit of gumption to try... 

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/andymineo/bitter.html

I'm not who I was

One day, it's inevitable, you will wake up and realize "I'm not who I was". Or at least I assume it's inevitable in that we are ever changing human beings. Some times you sit back and remember/realize...

This is who I was. 

This is who I was striving to be. 

This is who I am. 

If I continue down this path this is who I will be come. 

If I make these changes can I still be who I wanted to be?

I'm really reflecting (this past week) on who I have become. Sometimes it feels as if the person I am right now was forced on me, though, I know that I have [some] control over it.

I see a lot of things in my self that I DO NOT like... Things I never thought I would be. And yet, there are things about me that I never thought I could be, nor did I realize these areas that I was/am lacking in. 

There's a lot of dancing around with my words I realize it. I don't really want to say all that I'm thinking because "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything". 

All that being said. 

Who am I becoming? 

Bitter? 

Angry? 

Self centered? 

Stuck in my ways?

Scared? 

Unsatisfiable? 

Sad? 

I don't want those to be titles that I relate with. 

This is a daily struggle for me. 

I want to be who I was... I want to find that person again. Even in the midst of navigating the ocean of grief...I believe I can find her or at least parts of her. 

one of those nights

Today was over all a pretty swell day. (It's a Friday first of all so how could it be bad??)
I woke up to a message from a parent about the fact that the chapel message I shared yesterday had really sunk in with their child which really blessed my heart (I had been nervous and felt ill prepared to share with all those young eternal souls, but I'm so glad I didn't say NO!)
My students all did well on tests (proud teacher moment!).
I was able to get some lesson planning done and set myself up to be prepared for next week (score!).
Lastly, it was ART day today (every Friday I teach Art at my school). 
Anywho...those are all ingredients to a good day and the start of a good weekend. 
Then driving home, listening to a song that Ember and I used to jam out to in the car, I broke down (emotionally). I started sobbing. I missed my baby. I hated everyone who didn't have to give their baby[ies] back like I did. I got confused all over again. I got angry all over again. And I didn't have anyone to talk to. It's the same old story. I know people are sick of it. I know people don't know how to relate or what to say, so I shut up. I wipe off my tears and I put a smile on my face and I finish my day. 
The truth is, I love my job, I love my house, I love my pets, they are all great distractions. But what I really want is my baby. I can't get over wanting to have a room full of her toys and clothes (instead of two spare rooms with just crap in them). 
I can't get over the fact that all my stupid pictures of my dogs/house/cat/self could be (should be, in my mind) of my children. I can't get over the fact that I should be teaching MY child...she would be 2 and 4 months right now... what would she be learning? I don't even want to think about it...
I can't stop feeling betrayed by my body.
I can't stop wondering, why? 
I can't handle the constant reminders EVERYWHERE.
I can't handle feeling that I'm not able to relate to ANYONE in life right now..
And yet as I type this there comes a silent nudging...

He knows. 

"the Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:14

So, I'm gonna go be silent for awhile now.
<3

Tainted

Stillbirth (and I might add, infertility) taints you. Or, at least, it did (does) me. 

No longer can I look joyfully at a newborn baby. No longer am I able to be excited about pregnancy announcements. No longer can I listen to people spew out the "norm" for pregnancy/labor/birth. Because the truth is... It doesn't always happen that way. The labor and delivery floor doesn't ALWAYS house the labor pains that are "worth the pain". I can pretty much assume that no still birth mama thinks the pain is worth it. It's a horrible time. (Though looking back (and even to some extent, during it) I can see beauty in it). It's a terrifying, confusing, heart wrenching time.. To be on a labor and delivery floor knowing there are many other families in the rooms next door welcoming living babies. Knowing the nursery is full of crying/breathing babies. And yet here you sit with you're heart breaking more and more every contraction, every moment you come closer to holding your lifeless baby. Be mindful of those mommas...

 I know I was guilty of it too. Before it happened to me I never thought "there might be a mom laboring to give birth to a baby that's already in heaven". I do now. I always will. 

Some are not as fortunate as others. 

Some never will be. 

Some will forever be, tainted. 

My husband

My husband was meant to be a father.

He's great with kids, very loving and caring. He's fun, willing to do whatever, and kids love him. 

Watching him interact with with kids is hard for me. Knowing his heart desires children of his own. My hearts desire is to watch him hold our babies. 

It's sometimes painful watching other dads interact with their children... Children that look like their dad, and act like their dad. Knowing my husband doesn't have that. 

He would be an amazing dad to living children (just as he has been an amazing bereaved father). 

We baby sat little brother tonight... These are two of my favorite living people and it's bittersweet to watch their relationship.

❤️ 

Ed Sheeran--Photograph

These last few days I've been somewhat obsessed with this song. I know it's about romantic love but there are more words in it that speak to me about my babies in heaven so I ignore those few phrases and keep the rest for my babies.
Some times the lyrics remind me of what my babies might say to me.
Sometimes the lyrics are what I want to say to them.
Sometimes the lyrics are about Tom and I without them

Tom and I

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

And time's forever frozen still

Baby

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet

Me

You won't ever be alone

Skip some lines...

Baby

You can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul

Skip some lines...
Me

And I won't ever let you go

...

"Wait for me to come home."

There it is. my discombobulated thoughts and feelings on this song... 

Maybe someone else feels this way too. 

(hugs)

***LATER***

Oh my goodness, in my rush to get thoughts down this morning I forgot one of my favorite parts of the song! 

                

                          Me

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul
And it's the only thing that I know
I swear it will get easier, remember that with every piece of ya
And it's the only thing to take with us when we die

Can't believe I forgot that part. 

Time

2 years... still seems strange to say. It's been, already, a lifetime and yet only a moment. It's been "that must have been a dream" and a cold slap of reality. 

Life keeps marching on, even though at times it feels as if it is paused. I wonder, how long? 

How do you gracefully grow up? I don't want to be a person that always only thinks back to "the good ole days". I want to find joy, peace, beauty, and contentment in the here and now. I want to look forward with hopeful anticipation towards the future. 

Life is passing right before my eyes (no I'm not being dramatic for my age) it's true. I've spent so much of my time, this past two years especially , looking back to college age longing to go back. I also have a bad tendency to spend so much time dreading the future. I often forget that there's a present. Be still and know that he is God. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Present tense. [random verses that popped into my head as I am typing this.]

And still here I am, longing for past things and dreading future things. 

7 years

Today I got ANOTHER timehop memory about being a doula. Yesterday I had one also and I remember vividly, those babies and those birth stories. Very different (the first birth was to an experienced couple with a few kids at home. The second was first time parents and you could tell, especially in that proud daddy) yet similar (doctor scares and epidurals even though not in the birth plan)... I was shadowing a very experienced doula and I lived over an hour away. They happened within 24 hours of each other. I was exhausted but high on birth adrenaline!

It's crazy to think all the hours of reading/class/workshop/conferences/shadowing I spent on advancing my knowledge and skill in pregnancy/birth/postpartum. Not to mention the births I went to on my own. I used to love pregnancy and birth. I used to love talking about it. I used to love bringing awareness to people, about taking control of your own birth story. I used to read about it for fun (I don't even wanna know how much money I had spent on it over the course of... 6/7 years. 

Now-I avoid it... 

Pregnant women.

Birth stories. 

New babies.

All parts of it.

I am getting a [little-tiny] bit better. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever go back, even just on a smaller scale, to the way I was before Ember and baby #2. 

It breaks my heart that one of my passions was taken from me... 

I lost so much more than a baby when I lost Ember. And this is one of them. Yes she was and is the hardest to lose. But I don't know if people realize how much more you lose in a situation like this. Dreams. Innocences. Parts of your personality. 

There are things you gain too.. Compassion. Experience. Wisdom. New personality traits. 

Just thoughts I'm having today. 

Struggles

It's such a struggle trying to figure out where you fit in when your baby isn't with you, [most] everyone around you has kids, and it seems like you may never have a living child. 

It's hard when, your whole adult (16+) life you've wanted to be a midwife/doula/birth photographer/birth advocate and yet here you stand unable to even THINK about helping a woman through a live birth. 

It's crazy when you used to be the person that held a newborn any chance you got, and now it's been over two years since you've held a baby. 

It's frustrating when you have ALL of this experience with children from newborn all the way up to teens... All these great plans and dreams for "how your family will be" and yet your family consists of, no children.

People say "you'll have kids"

People say "You're young"

People say "there's time"

People say "it'll be ok"

People say...

I don't believe it, I mean I believe it will be ok, I'm already experiencing more and more "ok" as time goes on... But sometimes 2 years feels like an eternity. Sometimes it feels like you only get a few chances. Sometimes it feels like, nope.